Gossip in English & How to Deal with It — Speak Confident English

Hey, it's Annemarie with Speak Confident English and for this week's lesson we're

going to focus on a pretty delicate topic.

We're going to focus on those conversations that usually start with something

like, oh my God, did you hear what she did yesterday?

Those words are often a hint that the next thing someone says is going to be

some gossip. They're going to talk badly about somebody else. Now,

if you're like me and many others in the Confident English Community,

you don't really like gossip.

You don't like participating in it and you definitely don't want to listen to

someone else. Talk badly about someone that you care about.

Maybe a friend, a family member or a coworker,

and what I love is that this particular lesson actually came from a question

from someone in the Confident English Community several months ago I did a

lesson on how to answer uncomfortable questions in English. For example,

if someone asks a rude or inappropriate question,

what should you say? How do you handle that situation?

And on my youtube channel and someone left a comment and they asked me to

address the situation of what to do when a friend that you spend a lot of time

with tends to gossip about other people and you don't really like it.

You'd like it to stop but you're not sure how to ask her to Stop Gossiping in a

nice way. So that is exactly what we're going to work on in this lesson.

The good news is when you want to politely or kindly ask someone to stop

speaking badly about somebody else,

there are three simple strategies and in this lesson I'm going to tell you

exactly what those strategies are and give you some examples.

But before we do that,

I also want to share with you some common language and expressions that we use

to talk about gossip in English. For example,

you might hear that someone wants to dish some dirt or chew the fat,

and what that means is they want to share some gossip with you.

And of course when someone gossips,

one of the consequences is that those rumors spread to other people and we refer

to that as stabbing someone in the back or bad mouthing someone.

So if you've got a coworker or even a friend who often bad mouth other people,

and again you just want to ask them to stop,

here are three strategies to help you do that in a kind and polite way.

Strategy number one is to change it. In other words,

immediately change the topic.

So if you're in a conversation with someone and they say something like,

oh my gosh, did you hear what she did yesterday?

You know that the next thing coming is some kind of gossip or rumor.

And if you don't want to hear it or you don't want to participate in it,

you can immediately change the subject.

So here are three examples of how to do that.

When a friend starts that conversation with, oh my gosh,

did you hear what happened yesterday? You can simply say no.

But anyway,

have you started watching that new TV series or no,

I didn't anyway, are you going to the concert next week? And finally,

no, I didn't. But anyway,

tell me about how your presentation went last week and all of those examples.

I'm using a really simple formula. I'm saying no,

that I didn't hear this important information and frankly I don't care.

Anyway, I want to move on to another topic.

It's a really simple formula and it makes it easy to transition to another

topic. Now, if that doesn't work,

if you have someone who persists in saying negative things about other people,

then you can use strategy number two, which is simply shut it down.

And there are a couple of ways that you can do that.

The first thing you can do is simply be honest. For example,

you could say something like,

I don't really feel like talking about someone behind their back,

or I feel bad talking about someone when they're not here. And finally,

you know, I'm not really into gossip.

I'm not really into,

this is a great expression to say that it's something that you're not interested

in or you don't enjoy. I'm not really into, I'm not really into gossip.

Then after you've been honest about how you feel,

you can ask to simply change the topic. For example,

you might say something like, so can we talk about something else?

Or do you mind if we change the subject?

Once you put those two things together,

being honest about how you feel and requesting the change the subject,

here's how it might sound. The next time someone says something like, oh my gosh,

did you hear about, you could say, you know,

I'm not really comfortable with gossip.

Do you mind if we talk about something else or, yeah,

I'm not really into gossip. Let's talk about something else. As you can see,

when we put those together with the right intonation,

when we stay friendly and polite,

it's a perfect way to immediately shut down that gossip or negative talk.

Once you have those two strategies,

the strategy of changing the topic or shutting down that situation where

everyone wants to dish the dirt,

you can start using strategy number three and this one's a little bit different.

It's more longterm,

and the ultimate goal is to create an opportunity for change.

In other words to encourage your friend or coworker to Stop Gossiping about

other people and instead focus more on speaking positively.

A great way to do that is to simply talk about advice or values that you have

when you're having a conversation with your friend.

So the next time that you're having lunch or coffee with a friend who often

speaks badly about other people,

you can simply start talking about the things that are important to you and what

you think about gossip and use it as an opportunity to have a discussion.

Let me give you an example. You might say something like, you know,

recently I read this really interesting article that had some advice about how

to talk about people and they had this interesting idea that every time you're

going to say something about someone,

you should ask yourself three questions first. Like,

is this something that is kind about someone else?

Is it necessary for me to say and is it helpful?

And I thought that was really interesting and a great way to avoid talking badly

about other people. I don't know. What do you think?

Now that was just an example,

but you could use something similar if you read something online or hear some

great advice on a podcast or a Confident English lesson...

Simply talk about it with your friend and use it as an opportunity to discuss

the role of gossip and how terrible it can be for other people and the fact that

you're not really into it.

It's a great way to get someone else to think about the things that they say and

the consequences they might have or it's simply might be an opportunity for you

to have an honest discussion with your friend and to be clear that you're not

into gossip, you don't enjoy it and you don't want to participate in it. Now,

as always,

I've got a challenge question for you so you have the opportunity to practice

some of this language that we've talked about today. But before we do that,

if you found this lesson useful to you, I would love to know,

and there are three simple ways that you can tell me. Number one,

give this video a thumbs up on Youtube and subscribe to this channel so you

never miss a lesson. Number two, share it with friends and coworkers on Facebook.

And finally, if you have a friend who could use some good advice,

share this lesson with them by email. So now let's get to the challenge question.

Imagine that you're having lunch with one of your coworkers and it's someone you

really like. You spend a lot of time together,

you even hang out on the weekends sometimes,

but this coworker often speaks badly about other people in the office and you

like some of those other people,

so it makes you feel uncomfortable and you really wish she wouldn't do that.

What strategy would you use from this lesson to ask her to stop or to change the

topic? The best way for you to share with me,

get feedback and learn from others in the Confident English community is to

share your comments just below this lesson in the comment section. With that,

thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you next time for

your Confident English lesson.