How to turn a conversation into a connection

Hi. I'm Rebecca from engVid. Today, I'm going

to share with you one of the secrets of having

better conversations with people, even when

English is not your native language. I'm going

to show you how you can turn a conversation into a connection with someone. And in this

way, you're not only going to be able to improve

your English, but I believe if you start using

some of these methods, you'll also be able to improve your relationships with people.

And when we improve our relationships, we also improve our lives. So, let's see how

to do it, and I'm going to show you lots of examples so you understand exactly what the

strategy is and how to implement it. Ready? Let's get started.

So, the secret is to ask open questions rather

than closed questions. Let me explain to you

exactly what each of these are. So, closed

questions usually start with "are you", "were

you", "do you", "did you", and open questions

start with other words like "how" and "what".

But let's look at some examples, and you'll understand immediately because you already

used these... Both of these strategies, but

maybe you didn't realize what the effect is.

So, let's understand. Let's look at this question.

Did you have a good day? So, if someone asks

you, "Did you have a good day?", what would

you probably say? "Yes" or "No". Right? That's

it. Maybe you'll go on after that, or maybe

not. Maybe that's it. Okay?

On the other hand, if you ask someone, "How

was your day?" Now, first of all, the person

doesn't have the option to say yes or no because

the answer to "How was your day?" requires

some words, some language, some information.

Right? So, you're going to get more than just

a one-word answer. So, for example, if you're

a parent and if your kids or your teenagers,

you want them to speak with you more and they're

just giving you these short, one-word answers,

then maybe you're asking the closed question

instead of the open question. Maybe by changing

your words, you will be able to transform the

answers they're giving you and the information

they're sharing with you. Okay? And it's not

only true for parents and children, it's true

for everyone.

Okay, let's look at another example.

Was it a good meeting? You might ask your colleague,

"Was it a good meeting?" He or she might say,

"Yes", "No". Again, limited. On this side,

you could ask the person, "What did you think

of the meeting?" or "How was the meeting?" "How was the meeting?", "What did you think

of the meeting?", "What did you think of the

conference?" Right? "What do you think of

that idea?" You could put anything there. Right? But this will open it up. The person

is going to share more.

Next, you could say, ask someone, ask a student,

"Did your exam go well?" Again, the person

will answer with "Yes" or "No". Here, you could say, "How was your exam?" And maybe

the person will explain a little bit more. "Well, you know, it was a little bit... It

was quite easy in the beginning, and then at the end, I, you know, was a... I ran out

of time, and so I had to rush a little bit, but overall it was good." Now, you've got

some information. Right? The person has also

been able to open up with... To you and share

their thoughts, their feelings. So, these are

the ways that you can ask the open questions

with the "how" and the "what" and so on.

Now, let's look in some more detail, a little

more about each of these kinds of questions,

because it's not that I'm saying you should always ask open questions. If you're trying

to learn more, if you're trying to build a relationship, if you want someone to share

with you, and if you want to listen, and if

you have time to listen, then you'll ask these.

If you're looking for basic information, then

these questions are useful. So, let's look

at what this is. So, you ask the closed questions,

they produce basic information. Right? "Yes",

"No". The open questions give you more detailed information.

The closed questions give you short facts. "Where did you go?" "To the office", that's

it. You know, instead of something more. And

here, you'll get more meaningful responses.

People will share more in their thoughts, their feelings, their opinions. All right?

The closed questions are... Give the listener

a forced choice. So, I'm saying, "Did you

have a good day?" So, I'm presuming that you should have a good day. All right? Or

I'm presuming that your exam should go well.

So, this is a kind of a forced choice. Or,

for example, in some professions, people use

this strategy. People who try to collect money

from those who owe money, collectors, they

don't ask you, "When would you like to pay?"

They say, "Do you want to pay on the first

of the month or the third of the month?" For

example. Right? So, that's kind of like a

forced choice. So, there are in some situations

people are looking for that. But this one gives you that forced choice, but the open

questions open up and expand. People share

feelings, people share opinions, people share

their experiences. All right? So, each one,

as I said, has its features, and its benefits,

and its pros and cons.

In the closed questions, who has the control?

The control is the person who's asking. The

control is in the hands of the person who's

asking because they are framing the question.

Right? "Did you have a good day?" I'm asking

you that you should have a good day. I'm telling

you, and I'm asking you yes or no. Here, it's

not that way. The control shifts to the person

who's answering the question. Because if I

just ask you, "How was your day?" That's it.

I've said this much, and you're probably going

to say this much. So, it's going to open up.

The control is more the person who's answering.

Okay? They can decide if they want to give

you a short answer, a little bit longer, or a very long answer. Got it?

Next. So, again, as I've said, this one limits

the conversation. And there may be times when

you need to or want to limit the conversation.

The open questions expand the conversation.

So, if you'd like people to say more, share more, definitely use more open questions.

Why? Also because when people tell you more and

share more and say more about their thoughts

and feelings and experiences, you're giving

them a chance to express themselves, to talk

about themselves. You're giving them someone

who cares. You're giving them a person who

is ready, and willing, and able to listen to

them. And everybody likes that. Okay? Everyone

wishes that someone would really listen to them and understand them. So, if you want

to be this person, and you want to improve your

relationships personally, socially, professionally,

listen to others, the way to listen to others is by asking more open questions.

Next. Here, of course, it's all communication,

but here the focus is more on communication.

Okay? Did you have a good day? Yeah? Okay, good. Let's have dinner. Okay? You move on.

And here, it's more about connection. It's more

than communication. You're actually building

that connection because you're building the relationship. How was your day, sweetheart?

Whether you're talking to your partner, or you're talking to your child, or anyone...

Or your grandmother. Okay? And so you could

say you're creating a connection with people.

All right? So, again, these are useful...

Different types of questions are used by people

in different professions. Salespeople usually

want to make the deal fast. Right? So they

might ask more of the close questions. Also,

busy people... Here, open questions are used

by certain professions. For example, journalists

who want to learn more and gather more information,

and also counsellors whose job it is to listen.

So people who tend to listen ask more open

questions, and people who tend to speak themselves ask more closed questions. Okay?

Now let's look at several examples of how to

turn these closed questions into open questions.

So, what we can see on the board are all closed

questions. What we'll do together is to change

each of them into an open question. All right?

So, here we go. Something that people might say

in a social context. Did you have a good holiday?

Nothing wrong with that, but how could we improve

it and make it into an open question? These are

the key words you could use, "how" or "what".

So instead of saying, "Did you have a good holiday?" you could say,

"How was your holiday?" Good. In a professional

context, instead of just saying, "Was it a good

conference?" you could ask, "What did you think

of the conference?" Or, "How is always good?

How was the conference?" Again, you'll get more sharing, more information. Okay?

When you're asking about someone's health, of

course you could ask, "Are you feeling better

today?" Nothing wrong with that, but how could we

ask more? We could say, "How are you feeling today?"

Okay? Good. In a personal context, you could

ask somebody, "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Okay? That way you open it up. Maybe the person

doesn't want to watch a movie. Maybe they're

going to think of an even better idea than you

thought of. So to open up that possibility,

ask the more open question. Okay? Next, in

an... Again, in a kind of a social situation,

you might ask somebody, "Are you happy with your

new phone?" Or, "How do you like your new phone?"

Or, "How's your new phone?" Or, "What do you think

of your new phone?" Okay? Any of those. Again,

the "how" and the "what" questions will open

up the dialogue. In an academic situation,

you could ask someone, "Did you enjoy the lecture? Did you enjoy the class?" Or,

"How was your class?" That's it, you're getting

it now. See, it's coming more naturally,

which is what we want. Okay?

In a parenting situation, suppose there are

two kids who got into a fight. You could say,

"Who started the fight?" And of course, everybody

would say, "He did, she did, he did." Okay?

Instead of that, you could say, "What happened?

What happened, kids?" All right? Give each one

a chance to kind of explain and talk instead

of just pointing a finger. All right? And then,

even if you're discussing global topics and conversations, okay, you could say,

"Do you think we can achieve peace?" That's

a closed question. How could we reframe that

important question? "How can we achieve

peace?" Not... We don't want the "no" question,

here. We probably want a "yes" question, but we

want more information. How can we achieve peace?

What can we do to achieve peace? This will...

These questions will also generate more thoughts,

more ideas, more possibilities. All right? So,

if you'd like to open up your relationships,

build them, make them stronger, create connections

with people, whether it's at home, whether it's

at work, whether it's in your social circles,

anywhere, try using more open questions.

Now, in order to help you with this, I've

written a long, detailed, very helpful, I believe

I've been told, resource on this subject. I give you examples of sample conversations,

lots of different areas, like social areas,

political areas, professional areas, technical

questions, and we take them from the closed questions, make them into open questions,

just so that you have lots of examples to refer to

when you're trying to really master this subject,

which I really appreciate that you've taken

the trouble to watch all the way to the end,

and I really hope that it helps you to have better

conversations. I believe it will. All right?

Take care for now. Thanks very much for watching. Bye for now.