How to disagree politely in English

Hi.

What do you do when you disagree with someone?

And what do you say when you disagree with someone?

These situations are always challenging in any language.

In this lesson, I'm going to show you how to disagree politely and respectfully with

someone in English, okay?

Now, that's really important because in life and in this world today, we see a lot of disagreement

going on, and it's important to be able to have these conversations in a respectful way.

And also, it can change your life, so it can change your personal life, your social life,

your professional life.

So these techniques you could use with your family, your friends, your boss, your colleagues,

or anyone else, okay?

So let's get started.

Now, we're going to analyze how to disagree politely from two different points of view.

One is the psychology of it, where I'm going to give you some tips, okay?

And that's also a good area for you to practice your listening comprehension as I explain

these strategies and tips, okay?

And the second is the actual language of disagreement.

And in that, we're going to divide it into two areas.

One is body language, and the second is verbal language.

So I'll tell you here what to do, and here I'll tell you what to say, alright?

So let's begin here with what to do.

How can we show with our bodies that we're listening to someone, okay?

Because here, our goal is that our body language should show that yes, I'm listening.

Our verbal language should show yes, I understand, okay?

Not necessarily agree, but understand.

So, how can you show with your body that you're listening?

Now, I'm going to show you - I'm going to tell you a few strategies, but you will also

learn a lot by watching movies, watching shows, and seeing what the actors are doing in those

situations, alright?

Because they are using the same strategies that I'm going to tell you right now.

So the first thing is to stay open, okay, with your body.

When someone's talking and we don't agree, sometimes people tend to sit like this or

stand like this.

They're closing themselves, okay?

So try to stay open, because that message is also being communicated.

And also, sometimes when we don't like what someone is saying, we tend to push back or

move back.

But don't do that.

Resist that temptation, even though you might feel like it, and try to, in fact, lean forward

to show that you are listening, okay?

So that's what you can do with your body.

Keep it open and lean forward.

If you're at a desk, you can, you know, you can sort of lean against the desk and lean

forward.

Also, with your face.

What can you do?

Well, in English, even though you can't see my eyebrows too well, you can use your eyebrows

and raise your eyebrows and say, "Hmm, okay, interesting."

You're raising your eyebrows.

This shows the other person that you're listening.

Also, you can nod.

When they say something, it doesn't mean you agree with them.

It means you're listening to what they're saying.

So what does it mean to nod?

This, that I'm doing, okay?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay?

This action with your head is called nodding.

So when you nod, you're not interrupting the person, but that person knows that you are

listening, okay?

And also, you can smile.

Don't laugh, even if you think what the other person is saying makes no sense.

Don't laugh, but smile.

Keep it friendly, because that way there will actually be a dialogue and a discussion, okay?

So these are some of the tips for body language.

Now, when it comes to what you say, which is also extremely important, this is how I

have divided it, alright?

And I did a lot of research from various sources to come up with these strategies to help you.

So the words you want to use are words to show that you understand what the other person

is saying, and nevertheless, you have your opinion.

So I've divided it into four areas.

Two areas.

The first two are a way of apologize and acknowledge, and I'll show you exactly what it means.

It doesn't mean you're sorry for having your opinion, no.

It's just a way to introduce your opinion, and I'm going to tell you exactly what that

is in our - on the next board.

So, apologize and acknowledge means to say, "Yes, I know what you're saying", okay?

So these two strategies are basically communicating, I hear you, okay?

I hear you, but we're going to say something.

And then the last two strategies, which are answer and ask, are basically communicating,

I hear you, and, okay?

Now, you might be wondering, is there a difference between that?

I hear you, but, I hear you, and?

There is a little difference, and you might - you will choose, you know, which you prefer.

Sometimes, when people hear the word "but", they become very defensive and they stop listening.

So sometimes, you could express the same idea by saying "and", but I'll show you both ways

and what actual language and expressions you can use when you want to show that you understand,

but you still disagree, okay?

Let's look at that next.

Okay, so now we'll start with the "I hear you, but", okay?

As we said, there are two ways, apologize and/or acknowledge.

So, when we apologize and then state what our opinion is, we would - we could start

like this, "Sorry, but I disagree."

"Sorry, but I don't see it that way."

"Sorry, but I'm not so sure about that."

Okay?

Actually, you're not sure, you don't agree at all, but you don't say it so forcefully

because in English, we usually disagree politely and a little bit gently.

It doesn't mean, because somebody's being gentle, though, that they really don't disagree

with you.

They probably might disagree with you very strongly, but they're not going to come across

in a very strong way, and that's why we're learning this kind of diplomatic expressions

that you can use so that you fit into that culture and continue to make friends and have

friends, even if you disagree with their opinions, okay?

Alright.

Another way we can apologize without actually using the word "sorry" is by saying "I'm afraid".

"I'm afraid I can't agree."

Or "I'm afraid I don't agree with you."

Again, "I'm afraid I don't agree with you" is like a harsher tone.

"I'm afraid I don't agree with you."

You can still say what you need to say, but in a gentler way.

"I'm afraid that's not always the case."

Okay?

Somebody's stating some facts, you disagree, so you say "I'm afraid that's not always the

case."

Or, if you really don't agree at all with what the other person is saying, you could

say "I'm afraid that's just not true."

Okay?

Again, don't start off by getting angry very early in the game, because you can have an

entire discussion without getting angry, okay?

That way, you will hear more of each other's views.

But you could say that, "I'm afraid that's just not true", and then tell them what you

believe is the truth, okay?

So, this is one way, and it's kind of by apologizing with "sorry, but" or by using the expression

"I'm afraid".

Next, you can also acknowledge, which means to accept that the other person has a particular

point of view, which you accept, alright?

You understand that they have a right to that opinion.

So, there, but you're still saying "but", "I hear you, but".

So, you could just say, "Yes, but", okay?

So let's suppose...

Let's take an example, okay?

Let's suppose somebody's discussing whether their grown-up son who just finished university

is better off joining a big company or a smaller company, alright?

So, this is something where people might have a different point of view.

There are advantages to both options, right?

So, somebody says, "Yes, I hear you, but", and you could also say, "Yes, I hear you,

but I believe it's better to start off with a small company", okay?

Or "I understand your perspective, but I think it's better to work for a larger company",

or "I see your viewpoint, but I look at it in a different way.

This is how I look at it.

This is what I think.

This is what I believe", okay?

But you're starting it by accepting, and so that makes the other person also a little

bit calmer, and it makes it easier for them to hear your opinion by saying, "I understand,

but", or "I understand your viewpoint, but", okay?

You could also start with this expression.

This is a nice expression.

That's a valid point, "but".

It means it makes sense, but, okay, and then you say what your opinion is.

For example, you could say, "That's a valid point, but I interpret it differently.

I look at it differently", okay?

I think differently, alright?

So, these are some ways with the "I hear you, but" option.

Next we're going to look at the "I hear you, and", alright?

Alright.

Now let's look at the "I hear you, and" options, okay?

So, here, we're basically disagreeing, but we're not using the word "but".

Let's see how it works.

So, in the answer section, you could say something like this, "Well, actually, I think", or "Well,

actually I believe", okay?

Those are two options, or you could say, "Well, actually, I've read that", or "Well, actually,

I've heard that", or "Well, actually, I've noticed that", okay?

And of course, after the word "that", you're going to say whatever you think, okay?

But you see, by just saying, "Well, actually", we're not saying "but", but we're actually

starting a different conversation, a different part of the conversation, alright?

We're dividing the conversation in a different way without using the word "but", which can

sometimes be a little bit harsh.

Alright.

You could also say, "Well, actually, in my opinion", da-da-da, or "Well, actually, I

beg to differ".

"I beg to differ" is an expression that's used, and it means that, well, actually, I

disagree, respectfully, okay?

And all of this, all of these expressions are polite, diplomatic, respectful expressions,

alright?

So, that's one way where you answer the other person's opinion by using an expression like,

"Well, actually", and then continuing.

Now, another very interesting strategy to disagree with someone is to ask a question.

So, in this option, you basically phrase your opinion as a question instead of as a sentence.

So, you could say something like, "What if the tables were turned?"

The tables were turned is actually an idiom, and it means, what if the situation were reversed?

That means, what if I were in your position and you were in my position, or whoever the

two sides that they're talking about, okay?

So, what this person wants to say is really, let's look at it from a different perspective.

Let's look at it from a different point of view.

What if the situation was the other way?

So, you could use an expression like that.

But the most important thing is that it's being presented as a question.

And whenever somebody presents something to you as a question, when you decide, it's as

if it's your choice, and not because I'm forcing it on you, but because I'm allowing you and

offering it to you as a choice.

So, it's a really good psychological technique to present your opinion as a question.

Alright.

I'm just going to give you some examples here to see how it works.

So, what if we ask them to pay in advance?

So, actually, in this scenario or in this conversation, somebody - I want you to pay

in advance, I want this company to pay in advance, and you say no, we shouldn't ask

them for the money in advance.

So, I'm going to present my opinion like a question.

What if we ask them to pay in advance instead of just saying, "Well, but I think they should

pay in advance."

Okay?

See the difference?

Quite a difference.

Or what if you went back to school?

What if you went back to university?

Very often in English when we say "back to school" and you're talking about an adult,

you're basically referring to university or college, okay?

You could also ask a question by using this expression.

Do you think the union would agree to 5%?

Again, presenting your opinion, your view as a question.

Or do you think he could work part-time?

Is that a possibility?

And actually, you just want to say he should work part-time, okay?

But you don't say it like that, you express it as a question, okay?

And then finally, if all attempts at a conversation or at agreement fail and you don't agree,

then there is an expression that we use in English which allows both sides or all sides

to go away peacefully, alright?

Or relatively peacefully.

And that is to say, alright, so let's agree to disagree, okay?

That's a really nice expression to use if you don't want to continue the conversation

and, at the same time, you haven't agreed to what the other person thinks, okay?

So, you just say, let's agree to disagree.

That means I'll go away with my opinion, you'll go away with yours, but we go away in peace,

alright?

So, these are some of the verbal strategies that you can use to disagree politely.

Next, we will look at the psychological techniques that you should keep in mind when you're disagreeing.

Alright, now let's look at some psychological techniques that you can use to disagree more

politely and diplomatically.

Let's look at what you should not do and what you should do, alright?

So, first, don't make personal attacks at somebody's morality, their lifestyle, or their

beliefs, okay?

Their political beliefs, their religious beliefs, don't attack them personally.

Because if you're discussing a subject in general, don't say, oh, but you do this, oh,

but you live like that.

No, don't do that.

Don't make it personal.

That is not considered acceptable, alright?

Discuss the situation in general, good.

Also, don't say sentences like "but you always" or "you never", okay?

These are not useful phrases.

Not in your personal life, for sure, and not in your academic life, and not in your professional

life, okay?

Nobody always does something or never does something.

And even if they do, it's probably best if we don't say it that way, because it's not

going to get any kind of productive response, okay?

So, don't say that.

Next, don't use hostile, angry, aggressive language or actions, alright?

So, don't yell, and shout, and abuse, or don't start banging the table, and don't call somebody

names, oh, you're a liar, you're like this, you're like that, no.

That doesn't help.

Before your discussion reaches any level like that, both of you should probably walk away,

and we're going to talk about that.

And don't forget that expression, that very useful expression, right?

Let's agree to disagree.

Alright.

So, let's look at some things that you can do.

First of all, choose your battles.

What does that mean?

That's an expression that we have in English, and it means - it doesn't actually mean battle,

which is a fight, but it means choose what you want to get into a discussion with somebody

about.

Don't start discussions about every subject, small subjects, and medium subjects, and big

subjects, no.

Because it'll be too much discussing, and too much arguing, and too much disagreeing,

and that's not very helpful.

Not at home, not at work, not in your social life, nowhere.

Okay?

So, choose the topics or the subjects that really matter to you, or that you really have

no choice but to discuss, and discuss those.

So, choose your battles wisely.

Next, state the facts.

Okay?

And when it comes to - as much as you can, try to support your opinion and your arguments

with some facts.

And if you're discussing political views or something like that, and you actually have

some facts, some statistics, some history, then present it like that, because that's

a little bit more neutral.

Okay?

And it also might be believed by the other side more.

They might question it, but at least they'll pay attention to it, and it'll be a little

more serious.

And last of all, remember to take a break.

If a discussion is getting too intense, take a break.

Respond when - you know, both of you sort of go away for a while, or for some days,

and respond again when you're calm.

Okay?

Why?

It's just to get some more perspective, to maybe talk to others and consult others.

Well, what do you think about that?

You know?

Remember also to take time to consider the consequences, that if I disagree with this

person about this, let's say at work, or at home, or somewhere else, what does that mean

for me?

Or in your - let's say you're in university, you disagree very much with a professor, but

what are the consequences?

So, think about all of those things with your professor, with your manager, with your husband

or wife.

Okay?

With your friends.

All of these discussions have consequences for our lives, and we want to look at everything

in a sensible way.

So, if you've watched this all the way to the end, I am so proud of you, I can't even

tell you.

You are like me.

You're a serious person who cares about our words and our actions, and I'm so glad and

I'm so thankful that you stayed all the way to the end to watch, and I hope that this

lesson will help you to enrich your life.

Nothing less than that.

Okay?

And I mean that with all my heart.

So, if you want more lessons like this, please subscribe to my YouTube channel, I'd love

to share more of my thoughts and ideas with you about how to communicate more effectively

in English.

Okay, bye for now.