How to change a fight into a discussion

Why are you so angry all the time, E?

You're like smash, relax.

You're not the Incredible...

Hi. James from engVid.

E's turning green, and I know The Avengers are all over the planet, so I'm sure you know

Hulk Smash.

And the Incredible Hulk is powerful because he's angry, he's always angry.

And the funny thing is I find most people are angry about this, angry about that.

So I want to help you today do a little better, because when people are fighting, well, they're

fighting because they care.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't fight with anyone.

And I have a two-part lesson...

What I mean by two parts is I'm going to start off by giving you some expressions so you

can kind of get rid of the fighting, and then I'm going to give you some vocabulary you

can use instead of saying:

"I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm so angry."

There are other words that really let people know what you mean, and you can use some of

these words and the phrases I'm going to teach you, and you'll notice that your interactions

or the way you talk to each other will change and you'll probably be a lot happier, and

not like E. E Smash, so angry, so angry. All right?

So let's go to the board.

So what did I tell you here?

Okay? I want us to stop the fighting.

And how are we going to do that?

Well, the first thing we have to do is accept that...

Or accept that arguments and fighting are a part of life, and as I said, it's because

you care.

You fight because something is important to you, or someone is fighting with you because

something is important to them.

And when you don't take the time to understand it's important to them, that's what makes

the fight worse.

Half of the times things can be resolved or solved or fixed easily if you just go:

"Hey, that bothers you? Got it."

Once most people hear that, they're willing to talk to you.

But if they don't think they're being heard, they smash, they hit hard.

So let's go to the board.

Okay, so I'm going to give you two types of phrases.

Okay?

These will help you...

One will help you let the other person know that you care and you're listening, the other

one is so that you can express yourself.

Okay?

Because it's important that you have a voice and you should be heard.

And then in the second part when we come back we'll do words that aren't always about being

angry, but show different states and emotions, and I'll explain them and you can use them

when you're ready.

So, let's go.

Okay, these phrases, as it says, will help show that you care about the other person.

And how do we show we care about the other person?

Sometimes it's to say or to show that they're intelligent. Right?

So the first statement I use as this:

"You have a good point" or "That's a good point".

In saying: "That's a good point"...

I got to put a comma here, I just forgot my comma.

"That's a good point", in saying that you're admitting that what they're saying, there's valid.

Valid means has some truth.

You're not automatically agreeing with everything they say, and that's important.

When people are arguing, you don't have to agree with everything, but you have to listen

and see what they say because sometimes what they say is good and can help both of you

in your relationship.

So simply just saying, you know: "You have a good point.

I should think about this."

Or: "That's a good point."

Even if I don't agree with everything, I can still listen to you and hear that these are

good points or these make sense.

All right?

By using these phrases here, I just want to point out that it will help you because what

you're saying really is: No matter what we fight about, at the end you're still my good

friend, you're still my girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, student, or teacher.

Okay? Not all together, by the way.

But, you know, each one as a partnership, we're...

We can still be good or have a good relationship even though we don't agree right now.

Okay?

So that's the first one.

Here's the second one: "I can understand why you want X."

Well, what I want is important to me, and the fact that you can understand it means

at least you're listening to me or you think my views are important.

So, by saying that, you can say: "I can understand you want X."

Once again, you're not saying I'm going to give it to you, but you know what?

We've been dating-what?-15 years, living together, we have five kids, two kittens,

a dog, and a pony - you want to get married.

I can understand why you would want to get married after all of this commitment.

It doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but I can understand it because I thought about it.

That will at least let the person think: "Okay, you can understand."

They might want something, be prepared, but at least you're showing: I listened to you

and I get it.

All right?

And it's fair, you can understand that.

"Tell me more. ...And how can I help you?"

This is very powerful.

Very, very powerful, but be careful when you use it.

When you're telling someone: "Tell me more", you're saying:

I respect you as a person so I'm willing to listen to you.

I know, I said scary words: "listen to you".

My mouth will remain shut.

That's right, shut it and listen.

And then when they're done you can say: "And how can I help?"

In my job, in my day job-day job-when I teach I also help with students and that, and I've used this.

And I know it sounds crazy, but it works very well because first...

Please don't... Don't be angry when I say this, anyone watching.

Well, when somebody's angry it's like a snake.

A snake has venom.

You know?

The snake.

And the snake bites.

Now, the snake has to let that venom go or it's not good for the snake.

You know, yeah. It's just not good for the snake.

So the snake bites you, you take the venom.

Now, the snake lets the venom go, it feels better, it can go about its business.

That's what this is about.

"Tell me more" is someone's angry, they got to let it out.

By letting them let it out it's like...

Think of a balloon.

The balloon is big, about to pop, but as the air...

The air goes out, the balloon won't pop, and now the balloon can go back and forth, still

be a balloon and not explode.

That's good for the balloon. Right?

It's also good for you because you let it out, usually they let you know exactly what's

going on so you can think about it if your mouth is shut, and then you can say:

"And how can I help?"

Honestly, 50% of the time once they let that out, they're like: "I just needed to vent."

"Needed to vent" is an English expression means: "I was upset or angry, I had all this

energy inside and I had to let it go.

And now I let it go, I can do it myself.

I can fix it myself."

The other 50%, that's why I said it's dangerous, when you say: "And how can I help?" they might

say: "Hey, this is what I want from you."

And because you said: "How can I help?" you kind of have to do it.

But remember what we said up here?

Because you care about the argument or you care about the person, you probably want to

help them because you actually do care about them.

So keep that in mind. Okay?

And once they vent, usually what they ask for isn't this big, monstrous thing.

Sometimes it's a little thing that you can help with.

So be generous, say: "How can I help?"

It goes a long way. All right?

Now, these thring-, three things, as I said, will tell the other person that you care about them.

Especially this one: "How can I help you?" because I care about you.

And it'll change your relationship, it'll change the way you fight.

You'll have more respect for each other.

And you're learning my language, so I'm trying to teach you how we think.

And these words are important to us.

Now, there's two sides to every coin, and a coin is money, and in this case there are

two sides to every argument: The people you're fighting with and you.

If you don't express or let people know how you feel, things won't change for the better

or things won't be good.

So in this case I want to take the time to go through and give you some phrases that

are useful to help you express yourself.

Here's the funny thing.

Remember before we have to put the other person high and lower yourself to make them feel better?

And by the way, it's not a sign of weakness to go lower.

It takes great strength to be able to sit down and let someone else talk.

Okay?

But in this case, ah, when you want to really push your point, you have to do something

a little different.

Once again, you got to lower yourself. Huh?

Well, for some people this is called lowering themselves.

For me it's actually being very strong.

You got to tell the truth.

And in order to do that without being too strong and making the other person defensive,

which means they want to fight with you instead of listen, we're going to take what I would

say is a soft approach or a soft way of communicating.

The first one is this: "Look, I know this might sound stupid, but what really is bothering

me is this..."

So, yeah, look, I know this might sound stupid, but what's really bothering me is...

By saying: "Look"...

That's a secret command, by the way.

Saying: "Look", you're saying: "Stop. Pay attention."

But then you're saying: "What really is bothering me",

but this part here: "it might sound stupid" is saying:

"I know to you this may not be a big thing, and I know it's kind of, you know, not that important",

but because you're doing that it kind of softens what you're

about to say because you're going to say what is really bothering me.

This does not make me happy.

But I'm not saying: "Hey, stupid, you pissed me off."

I'm saying: "Hey, I know. Sorry. Don't mean to bother you."

And because that most people will go:

"Well, no, it's no bother. No, no, please speak",

because I've lowered myself and said:

"I know it doesn't seem important to you, but..."

And most people are generous enough that they'll go: "Okay, cool. Gotcha.

Well, why don't you talk?"

Cool. See? You secretly slide in.

First you come in, smash!

I'm kidding.

First you say: "Look, pay attention."

Then you lower yourself, then you introduce what you want to say.

Cool? I know, sneaky. Sorry.

Sneaky means not direct, but sometimes you do what you do to get the job done. Right?

Okay.

Here's a second: "That" and I say "X".

Whatever X is, it could be a comment they said, a thing they did:

"hurt my feelings because..."

Once again you're saying: "I'm hurt."

You're not putting the blame on the other person.

You'll notice if you listen carefully when I do these, I'm never saying:

"It's all your fault."

The first one I'm saying: "You might think this is stupid because it's something I'm thinking."

Not you being stupid, not your fault.

This one: "That thing hurt my feelings. Not you."

Right?

That thing that you said.

Not you, but the thing that you said hurt my feelings, and it hurt my feelings because...

Then I tell you why it hurt my feelings.

Because I'm not directly coming at you, the person can actually sit down and listen because

they don't feel like they're being attacked.

It's really important.

All right?

Third one is this one:

"I'm scared and I don't really want to admit it, but I'm afraid you

might feel..."

Or: "I'm afraid..."

Admitting scared is natural for humans that if someone says: "I'm scared" or "I'm afraid",

you want to protect them because coming to you saying: "Look, I'm scared of this", I'm

saying: "You're my protector.

Can you help me?"

And for the average person, they'll go: "You're scared?

What are you scared of?"

And they want to play superhero: "How can I help?"

So by saying that and you're saying: "I'm afraid, but I'm afraid", blah, blah, blah,

what is making me afraid, it allows them to listen and then want to participate and help you.

It's kind of like this one.

Remember I said: This might get you in trouble because they will ask for your help?

Well, this gets them in trouble because if they're going to be your protector, they have

to do something.

Yeah, see?

Yin and yang, a bit of balance on that. Okay?

So, using these phrases will change your arguments because fighting's a part of life, you can't

escape them.

But what you can do is use the fight to make a better relationship.

And by doing that, what we want to do is first of all let the other person know you care.

It doesn't matter how this argument goes, at the end we're still going to be who we

are; brother-sister, mother-father, husband-wife, teacher-student.

Our relationship doesn't change because we have a disagreement.

And I really want to listen to what's wrong so I can help.

Right?

At the same time sometimes you have to tell people this isn't working, but I want you

to know that I care about our relationship.

It's not going to change, but this is what I need from you to make it work.

Pretty cool, huh?

And it's all words, and that's why you're here, to learn English and how we use it.

Not just vocabulary, not just grammar, but how it works together to make us...

Or make us able to communicate with each other.

Now, we're going to come back in a second and what are we going to do?

Well, there's other words besides "angry".

I'm sure that's...

It's like "delicious", there are other words besides "delicious" for food, there's other

words besides "angry" for emotions, and we're going to look at that in our vocabulary.

Are you ready?

Let's go.

[Snaps]

Okay, so, let's go into the vocabulary.

We've got some useful statements that we learned earlier, and we'll do the vocabulary now.

Angry is a natural way of being, but that's a general term because what it usually covers

are other words that we're actually feeling.

So I'm... I've got them listed here because if your only word is "angry", here are some useful

words to express yourself other than "angry".

Or when you say "angry", what do you really mean?

How do you really feel inside?

"Angry" is a heat, let's just say, that you want to do something.

It's like an energy that you want to move and use. Right?

And you don't feel good.

But, see?

When I say those things, it's like: What the hell does that mean?

And that's when people feel angry, they're like: "I'm so angry!" and you're like: "Why? What?"

Here's what "angry" sometimes means, and if you actually think it through...

I mean, it's an English lesson, but let's go a little further. Okay?

It'll help you become less angry as you can actually express what you really mean.

Okay?

And you'll probably get more results this way.

So, first: "angry".

I love this word: "upset". Upset's a funny word.

For men and women it's a little different, so please listen carefully.

"Upset" means you're not happy about something.

Okay?

And you have this energy that you want to move and do something, fix something, change something.

You want to do...

That's what anger does, it makes you want to do something.

Yeah?

"Upset" means you're not happy about it and want to do that.

That's general for men.

For women "upset" is a little different, so guys, be careful.

If a woman says she's upset, she's sad and angry at the same time.

Ladies, you know what I mean.

I know you're learning English, but you know when you're so angry, but you're sad that

the bunny died in the movie, and you're so upset you want to do something about it?

That's dangerous for men because she might hit you.

Yes, she's sad and crying, but she might hit you so keep that in mind.

So if a woman says she's really upset about something, go: "Okay, baby, what's wrong?"

and take a step back, just out of swinging distance. Okay?

Because she'll be crying at you, and she'll have a knife.

"I'm so upset, baby."

Step back and go:

"Why? What's wrong, honey? How can I help? Tell me more." Okay?

It is a bit of a joke, but that is one of the differences between males and females

on that particular word in my opinion.

Okay?

Men will be angry, that means they want to change something, they're not happy about

a situation.

Women are sad and they still have that anger that they need to do something usually at

that moment.

Is it good or bad?

No, it just is.

"Disappointed".

We're often disappointed and we think it's anger because we didn't get what we wanted

or we didn't...

Someone didn't do what we thought they should do.

So, I'm so angry you didn't bring that money like you were supposed to.

And what I really mean is: I'm so disappointed because I trusted you and I made plans based

on my trust in you.

Right?

That totally changes it because when you say "disappointed" to me, I'm like:

"Oh, how can I make it up?"

When you say "angry", I'm going to give you a reason why I'm angry too or as well.

Okay?

So "disappointed" means I didn't get what I wanted.

Maybe you wanted to go to a great university and you go:

"I'm so angry. Yale said no to me for the fifth time."

Well, really I'm disappointed I don't have the marks or there's not an opportunity for

me to go to a school I really want to go to.

So "disappointed" is not getting something you really want.

Sometimes people say they're angry when they're really disappointed.

"Confused".

I want to make a joke about stupid people here, but I won't.

But sometimes people are angry because they're confused.

They don't know what's going on.

And remember I kept saying that anger is like this energy you want to use?

Because you want to do something.

Right? Something's not working, you want to do.

Well, some people get confused and they don't know, so: "Now I'm angry!"

It's like: -"Why?"

-"Because I'm confused, and I don't know what to do so I got to be something."

And it's easier to say I'm angry than confused because "confused" seems to me: Well, speak

to someone, they can help you and get rid of your confusion, and you won't be angry.

Right?

But sometimes people are confused so they say angry.

A perfect example, a family finds out one of their daughters or boys are gay or homosexual.

They will say they're angry about the situation, when maybe they're confused that they don't

know how it happened, blah, blah, blah, blah, all these other things, but it comes out as

anger and it's not necessarily that way.

Right? Everybody's different.

I put "scared" but I meant to write "stressed".

Why?

A lot of people, they say they're stressed or they confuse being stressed with being

angry, which means...

Stressed means you have a lot of things going on and you feel like, you know, you've got

a lot pressure on you because you're stressed. Right?

But usually it's scared.

When I'm really stressed or scared...

Ask a child something.

Ask a child why...

About the first day of school.

They won't say they're stressed, they'll say they're scared.

And when you ask them why they're scared they'll say: "I'm scared the other children won't

like me, I'm scared it'll be too difficult."

If you ask an adult about the same thing, they'll say: -"I'm stressed about the first

day of school." -"Why?"

-"Because there's just so much going on."

And then you go: "What are you stressed about?"

They can't really articulate, and "articulate" means to say or explain.

But as soon as they change the word from "stressed" to "scared", suddenly they can tell you:

"I'm scared of this, I'm scared of this."

So if you can change that word from "angry", or "stressed" to "scared", you might notice

you're not as stressed and you're relaxed once you get it out. Okay?

"Frustrated".

"Frustrated", "angry", same, right?

No. "Angry" is that energy to move.

"Frustrated" is you're not getting what you want.

It's not the same as "disappointed".

Something's stopping you from getting what you want.

If I were trying to leave this room, and I can't get out of the room...

I'm trying.

I'm going to start getting frustrated.

Now, some people might go: "[Roars] Hulk Smash."

I'm getting frustrated because I want to go and I can't go.

And then I go: "Frustrated, okay. Yeah, I'm frustrated because I can't get out when I want to get out."

That doesn't mean I'm angry.

Angry at what?

What is this angry thing, right?

That means I'm trying and I'm not getting it, so I'm frustrated.

It's stopping me.

"Anxious".

Some people get angry about things because they're really anxious, they're worried, and

it seems so scary and you're so weak to say you're worried, but then there's nothing wrong

with saying you're worried.

Right?

You're afraid of it.

But "worry" means to think about the future and not to have control, and you think about

all the things that can happen in the future, and you're worried that a lot of them are

bad and they can hurt you.

And that leads to being anxious about: What can happen next?

What can happen in the future?

Once you worry... Worry.

[Laughs] Once you realize you're worried and you're anxious, you can let it go because

99% of those things are never going to happen.

So, confusing anger, you're angry about this or the possible future and anxious starts

getting kind of crazy.

Okay?

And "overwhelmed" means you have too much happening, too much work, too much pressure,

too much...

It's way too much, you cannot deal with it, cannot handle, cannot do it, so you're overwhelmed.

Some of you get overwhelmed when I speak because I speak so fast.

You put it on and: "[Mumbles]."

You go: "[Gasps]."

And you need to walk away from the screen.

Right?

You can't even turn it off.

I'm overwhelmed by his voice.

Too much, too much, too much.

And I'm giving you all these words because if you talk about being angry with someone

or something what happens is you don't communicate.

Remember I talked about this energy you need to do something?

You want to smash, you want to tell them, you want to force them, you want to change

them, you want them to do something because of that.

But once you can let it go and just realize: "Look, I'm sorry, I'm just a little scared

right now because I'm anxious about what will happen on Monday.

I'm worried about it", that energy's gone and you can use it to actually make better

communication.

So, yes, an ESL lesson, I've given you some definitions for some words that will help

you express yourself, but it's also kind of a human lesson. Right?

So, let's go and see how well you have mastered your humanity or your anger.

All right? Your inner Hulk, let's say.

Now let's start with the first quiz question:

"I'm __________.

I don't want to admit it, but I'm really afraid of..."

Please don't tell me you're confused because what you're going to do if you don't remember

the answer is rewind the video.

Go back a minute or two, and you'll see the answer was already given to you.

It's one of the statements I gave you just to help you remember.

You ready?

That's right,

you're scared.

Why?

We just talked about being angry is one of the worst words you can use all the time.

We want to improve your vocabulary, so we don't want to say: "I'm angry.

I don't want to admit it", it doesn't make any sense.

You'd have to be angry about something.

But: "I'm scared, and I don't want to admit I'm afraid."

These two words are synonyms, so it's saying:

"Hey, look. I really am afraid."

I'm saying it twice to you, so maybe you can listen to me because I'm afraid.

Cool?

All right.

Let's do the next one:

"I feel __________ at work because I have so much to do, and I have more and more work to do all the time."

If "disappointed" means you're not getting what you want-right?-then what I'm thinking

of is

"overwhelmed". Right?

Overwhelmed.

Think of a wave coming over you, crashing over you.

You're overwhelmed.

You have too much.

Right? So we're overwhelmed.

"You have a __________ point."

If you've ever watched the X-Men, there's Wolverine, and Wolverine has like sharp claws.

He could probably make a good point, but I want you to figure out which one's correct:

sharp or good?

That's right.

This one is from the first points I was saying to let someone know that you care.

You want to tell them you had a good point.

Remember?

Show I care about what we're talking about, I care about you and our relationship.

And finally:

"I'm _________ because I didn't get into my favourite university."

What do you think that would be?

Well, I know you're thinking, and you're right, it could be you're angry, but once again we

were trying to improve our vocabulary, and if you notice here I said sometimes you go

here and we want to say this because I said you're upset, meaning you're sad that something

has happened.

And I would be upset if I didn't get into my favourite university, right?

So I think you would be, too.

Anyway, look, I hope you've enjoyed the lesson on how to...

It's not argue fairly, but argue in a way that makes your relationships better.

And trust me, you're going to need this because as you get better at English you're going

to find that there are a lot of people who don't agree with everything you think, and

vice versa.

I mean, you won't agree with everything they think.

And this is one of the best way to maintain your relationships.

So, what I want...

Where do I want you to go?

Well, to www, right?

.eng as in English, vid as in video.com (www.engvid.com)

where you can do the rest of the quizzes.

And before I say we go, I would like you to make sure you hit subscribe, and it's somewhere around here.

I never really know, but hit subscribe, depending on where it is on your screen.

And as always, thank you very much for watching.

I look forward to seeing you at our next video.

Have a good one.