How to say NO! Communication skills that work

Fourth dimensional patterns within eternity's monolith wood, he suggests. See, merely -- you

probably don't under what I was saying, and I'll tell you the truth. I don't. Hi. James

from EngVid. Looking at a Kindle, and I'm going to be using this in this lesson to teach

you something. Today, what I'd like to do is help you with saying no in English. Saying

no in any language is a very difficult thing to do simply because -- well, there are a

few reasons. People want what they want, okay? And they don't like hearing "no". People take

it personally. Even though you're saying no to the request, it's usually, "You don't like

me. That's why you said no." We all have that, right? And the third thing about saying no

is if you keep saying no, it's hard to have good communication because there's a lot of

negative conversational energy there. So we want to get rid of that and get rid of that

word "no". We're going to -- I'm going to help you today. Why? Because you need practice

in conversation so that you can have the best relationships you can have. Right? Right.

So what we're going to do is learn how to say no without saying "no" so that you can

maintain your relationships and free yourself up a little bit. All right? Let's go to the

board.

Nein. Nyet. No. Non. Nada. "Nada" means "nothing". Not quite "no", but you get the drift. All

right? So Mr. E's saying no. He doesn't like something. But how can you say no without

getting into trouble? Let's go to work, for instance. We're going to go to the board,

and we're going to do an example at work. Happens all the time, right? Now, especially

if you're a new person learning English, and you're trying to use English on the job, the

last thing you want to do is tell your boss, "No." Because you must work hard. This is

the job. Okay? You already know this. So let's see how you talk to a superior or a boss and

say no.

You're asked to do another job when you have already got a lot of important work to do.

So what do you say? How do you get out of this? You don't. You say something like this.

"Sure. I can do it. However, I won't be able to do this other thing you want done. Now,

which one is more important to you?" Seems simple? It is, and it's very effective, and

I'll explain why. This is why it works. First of all you let them choose. When you're saying

no to someone, you're kind of taking away power because you have the power to say yes

or no. You say no; they lose their power. You're giving it back. I'm saying you have

the power to choose what you want. What do you want to do? That's powerful by itself.

They feel good. They're like, "I get to choose?"

Next. You're not rejecting the request. To reject means no. I didn't say "no"; I said

"sure". "Sure" is the exact opposite of "no". You're saying, "Yeah. I can do it for you.

No problem. I'd love to. Problem." But it's not your problem; it's their problem. They

have to choose what they want. Okay? You're saying, "You get to choose, but I'm happy

to help you either way." I'm saying yes because I'm that kind of person. Right? Also, you're

reminding your boss -- you're telling her, you know, that, "Hey, look. I've got other

work of equal importance because I've got this job and this job, and you know they're

both important you gave them to me. You need to choose and help me here." Right?

So by reminding them of that, you're reminding them that even though you're a foreigner learning

English, your work is valuable and so are you and you should be respected a bit. Right?

After all, they hired you and they're giving you the work. So I hope you liked that one

because you don't spend all your time in the office do you? I don't think so. You have

relationships. So the next one I'm going to do is going to help you win your relationships.

Are you ready? Let's go there.

Hi. We talked about work. And you have to say no sometimes at work. But you also have

personal relationships outside of work. And this one's especially made for that. A lot

of times, people offer you things to get you to do things you don't want to do. They're

being what we call "sneaky" because they know you would say no, so they offer you something

that you have to say yes to. So let's get -- let's use some English to get you out of

that trap, shall we.

So you've got a friend or relative that wants you to help them. Maybe Johnny says, "Hey,

come over to my place for some beers, and then, we can paint a fence. He's offering

you beer, but he wants you to paint a fence. And you don't want to paint that fence. Or,

"Hey. Why don't you come and visit me this summer. I've got some work to do, and you

could help me. I'll pay for your plane." Nice, but uh-huh. So here's what we're going to

do in your relationships. You can use this one.

So if someone offers you presents or money in order to bribe you -- "bribe" means to

use money, get you to do something you're not supposed to do because you're receiving

something. So a policeman shouldn't take money for doing his job. That's his job, saving

your life. If he said, "I'll only save you if you pay me", then he's saying, "Give me

a bribe." Or, "I won't give you a ticket when you're speeding when you're driving" -- he

wants a bribe. This is bad. Your friends shouldn't bribe you. You want to do it because you want

to. So here's how you can say no without saying "no" while you're learning English and still

keep that friendship. Okay? So here's what you say. "Hey! Thanks for the offer. But"

-- place excuse here -- okay. The excuse could be anything. You can say, "Thanks for the

offer, but I'm busy that weekend." Don't lie because if you lie, it just comes back later.

Tell the truth. "Thanks for the offer, but really, I'm not into painting. But it was

really nice of you to think about me." Yeah? Or, "Thanks for the offer, but that's a long

in the future. I don't know if I'm going to be able to fly to Europe to come see you,

you know?" Don't lie. Just tell the truth.

But here's why it works. So this is what you say -- this is what they're offering; this

is what you say. Here's why it works. First, you acknowledge the offer. Acknowledging says,

"Hey. I know that you said this. I didn't ignore you. I listened to you. I appreciate

it." And you show appreciation. That's what the thanks is for. "Thank you. I mean, you

thought about me. You could've asked many people, but you asked me, and I appreciate

that." Okay?

Your "but" is for you -- and I'll come back to it in a second.

You also give them an out. When you give someone an "out", you give them a way to escape from

getting in trouble. If I need an "out", if means I'm in a situation that's not good.

And just like anything, I need a door or an exit to get out. Okay? Now, "loss of face".

"Loss of face" means you look bad. Now, gentleman, you will understand this. Have you ever walked

up to a bunch of girls at a party or dance, and there's a pretty girl sitting there, and

you walk up, and you're like, "Excuse me." Of course, with your Kindle in your hand.

"Hi. I saw you from over there, and I thought we could -- dance with me?" The girl has two

ways of doing this. If she offers you an out, she could just say, "Hey. That sounds great,

but you've got your Kindle. You might want to put that down. You don't want to break

it, right?" That's offering you an out. She's saying no, but giving you a way to walk away

and tell your friends, "She was concerned about my Kindle. I'll ask her again later."

Okay? And loss of face -- by saying that she doesn't make you look bad in front of the

other girls or your friends. So when someone doesn't have a loss of face or you don't want

to give them loss of face, you try to make them not look back so they get to make the

decision. Here, you're saying, "Thank you for the offer, but it's a long time in the

future, and I don't know if you're going to want me to come or what's going on." And they

can say, "Oh, yeah. I know what you're saying. Don't worry about it. I'll see you later."

They get to step away. Nobody looks bad. Right? "Hey! Come and paint my fence for the beers."

"Dude, I'd love to, but you know I'm not really a good painter, right?" "Yeah, yeah. I don't

want to do it again. My girlfriend will kill me." You give them an out to escape, and they

don't have to look bad. Cool?

That's why this works, and that's why this is good for relationships. Now, how about

we do one more, and we're going to work on both relationships and your work environment.

This one you're going to love. Right, E?

Okay. So as I promised, we're on the third part right now. And the third part will have

work and relationships -- combining the two. This is a beautiful one.

So let's just say you're being asked to do something, and then, step by step, this person's

telling you what to do. So they say, "Hey. Can you help me paint my wall?" Great. You're

painting, and they say, "Well, you know, it's always better to go horizontal or vertical

or blah. And you should do this, and you should do that." And you're like, "Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh-huh, uh-huh." No. Look. You're not anybody's personal robot. Someone can ask you to do

something and let you do the job, or they can assist you doing the job. But to watch

you and tell you while they watch you -- I don't know about you, I'm not for that. And

now, this can happen at work and at home, but you always have to have that balance,

right? Especially as I've noted or I've said, you are learning a language, and you need

as much practice as you can get. So you don't want to cause people to be upset, right? So

let's take a look at what you can say. What you say is this, "Hey. I think it's better

if you do it yourself because you know exactly how you want it done." Sneaky, right? Why?

Well, this is why. I'm going to start at the bottom and work up, and I'll tell you why.

What you're doing is you're acknowledging that they're the only one who knows exactly

-- or they're the only ones who know exactly what they want. You're telling them, "Hey,

dude, only you know what you want, and I'm just going to make it bad." And now, go here.

Reason why? You're also saying, "Listen. I'll help you, but I'm not your personal slave.

I'm not your personal robot." Okay? So you acknowledged that they're the only ones that

know what they want, but you're telling them, "I'm not your robot." Here's the second thing.

I'm telling you this is going to happen. When the job is done, and when you walk away, they're

going to start the complaining process. They're going to say, "This wasn't done. I would've

done this I. Would've done that." I'm telling you: Avoid it. You can avoid it just by not

doing the job. But remember, saying "I'm not going to doing it because you're telling me

what to do" just causes problems. Avoid the problems by say, "You're the only one, Obi-Wan.

You're the only one who knows what you want. So I think it's best you do it because you'll

get the best results." Because if someone is already telling you blah, blah, blah, they're

going to see it when it's not done probably, and you're going to hear about it. Okay? And

at work, we know you can't just say "no". But by telling them that they would do the

best job, you give them a compliment and allow yourself to step back. And at home, you're

just saying, "Baby, you know what's best. Don't let me get in the way of it." Okay?

Anyway. So these are three ways that you can say no in English without saying "no". And

why are they important? Because I'll be quite honest with you. You're learning a language.

It's difficult enough without the pressure of having to tell people "no" because nobody

wants to hear that. It helps save relationships. Call me Dr. James. No. Dr. Phil exists, and

I'm not stealing that silly name. Dr. Phil. Okay? Mr. E and I, we're out. What do you

mean, "No"? No. The camera's going off. It's going to go black, buddy. You can stay there

all you want. Before I take off, we're going to www.engvid.com -- see how it makes a W?

"Eng" as in "English, "vid" as in "video" -- where you can learn more on communication

skills, reading, writing, TOEFL, IELTS -- the whole kit and caboodle. All right? Take care,

and I'll see you soon.