Conversation Skills - How to STEAL a conversation

That's a really good point. And did you consider -- hey, listen. Hi. James, from EngVid. A

lot of times, students want to learn conversational skills so they can start a conversation. But

when they do start these conversations, they tend to find that they're not included. Today's

lesson is how to include yourself. So it's a conversational skill about how to take a

conversation or -- yeah. Take your part in a conversation. Are you ready? It's going

to be fun. I'm going to teach you two techniques that have two different uses, all right? So

you can see here, E is saying, "Wow, Bob. That's a good point, but --". And the second

point he says is just, "Listen!" All right? Let's go to the board.

The "listen" one is called a "single-word imperative". All right? Why do we use it?

Well, you're in a conversation with somebody, and they're saying things you don't necessarily

like, and they're talking, and they're talking fast and loud and being, you know, very demonstrative

and showing their hands and talking. And you want to get in there, but you don't know how

you can break into the conversation to say something or comment because maybe you don't

like what they're saying. You do something like this: [snaps fingers] "Stop." What did

I do? I just said, "Stop." One-word imperative. An "imperative" is an order. And the funny

thing about the human brain is we've been trained since we were children to listen.

Remember when you were running, and your parents would go, "Stop!" Or they would go, "Listen!"

Or they would say, "No!" They didn't say sentences; they said one word. So we've been trained

for this. But it's very blunt, and we use for children or even dogs. Okay? I'm not saying

people are dogs. They're children. But it's very effective because we're conditioned for

one-word imperatives. As you get older, we learn to be more polite. So you say, "Listen

to me, please. Can you stop saying that, please?" We add politeness. But in a situation where

you need to stop someone immediately, the one-word imperative works because it gets

right to the point; it gets directly to the person. And what it does is -- look. It draws

attention to the intended action. "I don't want you to stop talking. I want the conversation

to go, but I want you to stop." Got it? So when I say "stop", you will stop speaking

because you're going to be, in your brain, "Stop what? What am I doing?" And that gives

an opening for me to come into the conversation. Or, "No." People are like, "No? No what?"

Because you don't explain, it raises their curiosity, and they're like, "Why did you

want them to stop? Why did you say 'listen'? Why did you say 'no'?" That stop in the conversation

allows you to step into the conversation and say what you need to say, okay? See? Stops

conversation. Words you can use as examples are "no", "stop", and "listen". And don't

explain it. Because when you do say, "Listen to me, please. Listen to me", it's almost

like you're saying, "You're not listening. It's not fair" and you're being a baby.

Now, I'm telling you; this is kind of rude. So don't think I'm telling you this is a good

way to start friends. That's why I said when you're in a situation where the person saying

something you may not agree, like, "All women should not work", you might say, "Excuse me?"

Don't say "excuse me"; just say, "Stop." They'll go, "What?" And then you go "boom". You say

your part right there. Right? You can say it for almost anything. It's immediate, and

it stops action. But it might be considered rude.

So what's an alternative? You don't want to be rude, but you want to be heard, and you

wanted people to come to your side, maybe agree with you. I've got another way of doing

it. This is called the "compliment and steal", okay? We use a compliment and a conjunction.

Notice I said "imperative" here. Well, we use a conjunction. What does a conjunction

do? It brings two statements together, right, and joins them. So the ideas are kind of linked

together. "I am happy, and I am nice." "And" makes the two come together. "I'm happy, and

I'm nice." Well, we're going to use this method to take the conversation from someone. Well,

why? People love compliments. Have you ever had someone say to you, "You look nice today,

and --"? And then you wait. "And what? And what? I look nice and what?" Or, you know,

"And I really love your car, and --." It grabs your attention, right? So when someone gives

you a compliment about you, naturally, you like it, so you listen, you focus. And when

they say "and", usually, we're waiting for more of a compliment. Right? This is why it's

kind of a bit sneaky.

So when you use the compliment, it draws attention from the speaker. So the speaker goes, "Huh?

What did you say about me? Aw, that's so nice." Right? But it also draws the attention of

the audience. Remember: Whoever's speaking, people are listening to. So if the speaker

stops speak and looks at you to say, "Thank you", then everybody else will look to see,

"Who are you talking to? Who is the speaker speaking to?" So now, you have the speaker

and the audience looking at you. Now it's time to lower the boom, as we say. Hit 'em.

Because of this, they've got all their focus on you. They're focusing on your conjunction.

So you could say something like, "Gee, Bob. That's a good point." He'll go, "Yes." "But

did you consider --." Now, they're focused. They have to respond to what you said. And

the audience is looking because he gave you it. So you've taken -- you didn't even take

it. The speaker gives you the conversation, okay? Because when they give you attention,

they give you the conversation for you to do what you like. And because you gave them

a compliment, they open the door with a smile and wait. And then, when you hit them, they

have to respond to that. Cool, huh? You get to say your piece, and everybody's looking,

and you've been nice about it. Over here, you're just saying, "Stop". They stop. You

have to go.

Now, we're going to take a second. And in the next point, I'm going to finish off what

we're doing here, okay? Ready?

So we talked about the two techniques. They seem very simple, but I'm telling you, they're

powerful. Because one, you might want to use it to demonstrate that you're an individual,

you have opinions, and you want to be respected; or -- sounds bad, but you don't respect the

person who's speaking; you don't want to give them -- you know, be polite.

The second one is a bit more polite, showing respect. So when we look here, okay, the single-word

imperative -- it's a pro: It's direct. "Listen" "stop." "No." It's direct, and it's honest.

People know that you're not happy or you don't agree, and you're saying it directly. You're

not trying to make friends; you're trying to make a point. So use it when you have to

be strong in a meeting or something. Right? Even with friends. "Let's go drinking." "No."

Don't say, "No. I don't want to." Just say, "No." They will as you questions and give

you the attention, all right?

Problem, con. It can be seen as rude because you're not the treating them as equals. You're

treating them as an "I'm stepping away from you. I'm saying this. And that's the way it

is." The second thing is it takes respect away from the speaker because you're not engaging

or you're not speaking to the speaker like, "Hey. You know, I was just they thinking -- you

were saying --." No. This is it. It's done. My respect for whatever you said or where

you're going: It's not there. So know that you're doing that, okay? It's a fine line

we walk, which means you have to be careful. Okay? You don't want to be rude, but you do

want to be honest and direct.

How about the "compliment and steal"? Using conjunctions with a compliment, remember?

"And" or "but" to take a person one way and then take it away. Well, number one, pro:

gives you the conversation. Literally. The speaker will go, "Oh, thank you. I'm glad

you appreciate my point. Or you agree with this?" Because I could say something like,

"Hey. I really like what you said when you said this. However --." And boom, you just

hit them. Okay? The audience listens to you. Remember? The audience, it was listening to

the speaker. As soon as the speaker addresses you -- which means says, "Really? And what

did you like?" -- as soon as they do that, not only do they give it to you, they bring

the audience to you. You don't have to go, "Please, everybody. Listen to me." They give

it to you. Cool?

Here's what we call a "con". A "con" means "not good". It can be seen as manipulative

because you're giving a compliment just to take the conversation. So as much as this

is rude, you have to be careful how you use this. Some people think, "Oh, you didn't really

mean what you said. You just wanted to --." "No. I meant it. That was a good point." So be

honest when you say it if you do like something they're saying. Or my favorite is to say this.

"I agree that you said that." And if you listen carefully, I didn't say anything. All I said

is "I agree that you said this statement." It doesn't mean I agree with anything you

said, okay? And I can say that. "Hey. I didn't say I liked that. I just agree that you said

that, and you think it's true. It had nothing to do with me. However --." All right?

So on that note, I've given you two powerful techniques for conversation. You can try it

at work or at play with your friends or at home with your mom, all right? "Mom, dinner's

really good. However, portion size is not to my liking." All right? Anyway, look. Have

a great day. Listen. We have to go. See? That was wrong. I should just say, "Listen." And

then he stops. "We must go. We must go." See? Use those imperatives, people. Also, there's

another lesson on how to make imperatives nice. We really work with you at -- where?

Www.engvid.com, "eng" as in "English", "vid" as in "video", where you can take this lesson,

take the test, right, and other lessons. Fantastic teachers -- we have Ronnie, and we have Valen

and Alex, and -- I can't remember them all. Have a good one.