The 2 essential skills you need for great conversations

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.

Oh, hi. James from engVid.

Today I wanted to talk to you about two tips on conversation.

These tips I think can have you...

Help you have an amazing conversation, make you really interesting...

Actually, make people really interested in you so you can keep having conversation.

After all, it's the practice that we need to get better, and if people don't want to

talk to you, you can't improve.

So quickly we'll go to the board and you'll see Mr. E has boxing gloves, and it says:

"1, 2".

In boxing, the "old one-two" is a jab and a straight punch.

Why?

It's very effective and it gets the job quickly done so you can take out your opponent.

In this case, what I want to do is teach you two things that you can use in combination

to make people you speak to enjoy the conversation with you, want to practice more, or talk to

you more so you get more practice.

Are you ready?

Let's go to the board.

So, how to knock them out with killer conversation tips, 1 and 2.

For most people when they're practicing or when they want to improve conversation, they

think: "I need to talk a lot because if I get to talk a lot I'll get better."

That's 50% of the equation, because in any conversation there's the speaker and the listener,

and both parts must be worked on, because if you have a healthy balance the person who

is listening to you will want you to continue, but usually they want to speak as well.

In a lot of conversations, something that will make a conversation go well is empathy,

which "empathy" means: "I understand what you're saying.

I also want to know how you feel."

Another part of it is energy, people want to be excited.

Nobody wants to talk to a person who talks like this on the whole subject, it wants...

It makes them want to stop talking to you.

That energy or lack of energy can be on your part or their part.

In this lesson I want to address both things, empathy and energy, to teach you how to raise

the energy in a conversation if it's low; and teach you empathy, how to feel or get

them to feel in the conversation so they care, because if they care, they share.

Are you ready?

Let's go to the board.

Let's talk about empathy.

One of the biggest parts of a conversation is empathy.

When a person cares about the conversation, they stay in it, they're excited about it,

so it's one way to raise energy.

A lot of times when we're talking we make the mistake of thinking: "Okay, well, I've

got a lot to tell people", and we get excited, so we have a lot of energy, you're talking

about: "I got a new car the other day.

It's an amazing car.

It's got, like, bucket seats.

The seats warm up in the winter.

Canada's cold.

The steering wheel warms up.

I got a really good price on it.

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I..." the magic "I".

Now, it's good for me because I get to say: "I", see?

Me and I, but for a listener it gets boring because they're like: "Ah, ah".

They want to talk.

So a way to change that around, you might say: "Well, I'll just use 'you'.

I'll say: 'How about you?

You, you, you'".

That's okay, that's a good start, putting it on them.

But if you want to show empathy to get them interested in the conversation, what you might

want to say is one of two sentences I will show you now because when you say these sentences

it makes the person know you care about them, not just about you.

And in inviting them to speak about something gives them the opportunity to put their opinion

in, so no matter how the conversation goes, they will remember that they were part of

a conversation, not a lecture where you just spoke about you.

And they will also probably remember the conversation in a more positive way, which means later

on they'll want to talk to you.

So what are these magic sentences that change everything?

Well, you say it...

Well, you know them, but how often do you say it?

The first one is: "How do you feel about that?", or: "How do you feel about it?", or: "What

do you think about that?"

I know it sounds mechanical and it might be hard to use, but play with me for a second.

So, Mr. E, I'm talking and I'm like: "So, you know, I got that car I was telling you

about.

I got a really good deal, dah-dah-dah.

You know, it's got these seats and that."

Mr. E is over here: "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mm-hmm, yeah."

It's only a matter of time before he takes out his cellphone, looks at his watch and

says: "I have to go."

It's all about me.

Now, if I'm smart and I'm just: "Dah-dah-dah", and I notice he's like: "Uh-huh, uh-huh",

then I might turn around and say: "You know what?

How do you feel about that?

I mean, you said you needed to get a new car, and how do you feel about the cars that are

there or the prices, or...?"

And they'll: "Oh, you want my opinion, you care about me."

Now Mr. E is involved in the conversation again, and then he will get to talk.

This is when it's time for you to shh and listen, because by asking this kind of a question

you invite them to give you information so you can continue the conversation.

Because he might say: "Ah, I'm not really into getting a new car.

It's doubtful about my job.

I don't know what's going to be happening."

You go: "Hey, what's happening in your life?

What's going on with your job?"

Now they get to express themselves, make an...

You know, put an opinion on what you were talking about further about...

Further the conversation about themselves, they're into it.

When they walk away now, they're going to think: "It was really nice talking to that

person."

Right?

That's tip number one.

Tip number two, because that was empathy, get them to feel.

Feeling is important for an interesting conversation.

Energy.

Now, in this case you were talking too much about yourself because you were all energetic

and chatting, chatting, chatting.

Energy is a different thing here.

What I want to talk about is: When you have a conversation with someone and they're not

into it.

So look at my face.

I will be two characters, character A and character B, or 1 and 2.

So, 1, I'm like: "Hey, man.

I got a new car.

It's really cool.

Oh, I'm so excited about it.

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah."

And the other person's like: "Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm."

And you go: -"So, what about yourself?

What are you doing now?"

-"Well, you know, I've just got this new job."

And they go: "I just got a new job."

They don't really look at you, they just kind of drop it off...

Normally what you would say: "Oh, so tell me about the new job."

And then they'll go: "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's okay, you know, pays me a bit more money.

You know, it's a new job."

The conversation is dying.

A better example of that would help you think about this is if you've ever been on a date,

and you ask your date: -"So, how do you like the food?"

-"Ah, it's okay."

-"Oh.

Did you see...?

Did you see that new movie that just came out?"

-"No, no, no.

What about it?"

And you find yourself talking and sweating the whole time.

Here's a little trick I'm going to teach you: Use the word: "Okay."

Huh?

Well, don't just say: "Okay", say it like this: "Okay.

Hmm, okay."

Flat.

Why?

When you say the word: "Okay" like that, or even if you go: "Yeah, sure.

Sure", flat, it makes the person...

You're telling the person: "Go on."

It's like saying: "And...?"

Now, remember the conversation about the date?

I want you to think of another situation.

You walk in your boss' office and you say: "Okay, boss, I've done that project for you

today."

She looks up at you and she goes: "Okay."

And then you're like: "And I talked to Johnny like you told me to", and they look at you

again and say: "Okay", because they keep saying to you: "And...?

Go on."

You can even say: "And" as well, like: "And...?

And...?"

It means: "I'm not really impressed.

It sounds interesting maybe for you, but what makes it interesting for me?"

This causes the person you're speaking to, to raise their energy level.

They will then have to go: "Oh, so, yeah, and food's really good here, and..."

As soon as you hear them take a pause and then start speaking, you'll notice they raise

their voice and they try to bring more energy to the conversation, because your: "And",

like the boss is like: "And" or your "Okay" is like: "Okay, so what?

And, so what?

Impress me.

And in order to impress me, you're going to have to raise your energy."

After they've done that, you can turn around and then start being excited yourself.

Right?

Remember?

And then we can even use this one, go back to the empathy thing, where it's like: "So,

and then how do you feel about that new job and what have you?"

Get them more excited.

But up until that point in time, if they're being what we call lackluster and not showing

energy or not interested, it's much better that you stick with the: "Okay, and...?

So?"

Okay?

Cool?

You like that?

Good.

They're little tricks to help you improve your conversation.

But a trick is only a trick until we can make it a tool, and what I mean by that is: Make

it something that you can use on a regular basis to enhance your conversations to make

them useful so you get the practice you need.

You ready?

It's bonus time.

[Snaps]

Okay, so we talked about energy and empathy.

Think Einstein: E=MC2.

Right?

The two things you need together to have a good conversation.

One is to bring someone to speak to you, another is if they're not energetic or interested,

to make them more.

But do you remember at the beginning I talked to you about a 1, 2 punch?

You can use 1 or you could use the other, but in a 1, 2 punch we use them together to

be highly effective, and that's what we're going to do here.

If you know Nelson Mandela, I'm going to do a bonus part for you, as always.

Nelson Mandela was a leader of South Africa.

He went to jail.

He was very successful from going to jail and being in an apartheid situation to freeing

his people and then leading his people after being in jail.

Now, Nelson Mandela was a son of a tribal prince...

Or a king.

So, tribes are groups of people of similar background that live together.

And you can find them all over in North America with the Indian tribes.

Sometimes they're called casts or sects, but generally a group of people living together

in an area.

Anyway, he is...

King was...

His father was a tribal king, and he taught Nelson Mandela two things.

Number one, always make your table round, not square, so everyone's equal.

And number two, which is important for this conversation, he said: "Be the last to speak",

and I'm going to add the part: Be the first to listen.

The reason in make...

You know, being the last to speak is you get to hear what someone has to say, and before

you say something and have to take it back or seem silly, you get to understand their

point and then you can speak in an intelligent way.

How we're going to do that is by using these two things we just learned today on empathy

and energy.

So the first thing we could do: Get information.

When someone's speaking to you, you can say: "Okay."

Now, remember, if you want them to raise their energy level, you would say: "Okay...?

Okay...?"

Or you could go: "Oh, okay.

Okay", and use it energetically yourself to get them or promote them to give you information.

And then halfway through it we can then demonstrate empathy and go: "So, you're going to get a

new job, okay."

So they can say: "Oh, I need it, because..."

Then you go: "Okay, okay.

And how do you feel about having to change careers?"

Now we've used energy, getting them to get more excited about it, and then asking them

to give us some of that energy by saying: "Hey, tell me about how you feel.

Tell me what you think", so they can give you more information, but in a very positive...

You say vibrant, but excited way so they're really happy to talk to you, regardless what

the conversation is, whether it's being upset and being able to express their feelings so

they feel better, or being exciting about a new challenge and they get to tell you because

you're asking them to make them seem interested.

Before we do the test, actually something you can think about is this, keep this in

mind: It's more important to be interested in others than to be interesting, telling

them about yourself.

Okay?

Cool?

If you can keep that in mind with this, let's go to the board and we'll have our quiz on

conversation.

How well do you understand what I've taught you today?

Okay?

So, use the right phrase in the correct situation.

So, remember I said this one?

"How do you feel about it?" is for empathy.

All right?

And don't forget the: "Okay..." notice the arrow going up?

You go: "Okay..." and let your voice trail up or go up to tell them subconsciously or

to get them to give you more information, like you're saying to them: "Go on, continue,

keep talking."

All right?

Cool.

Let's go to the board.

Let's start off with the first one.

Someone seems disinterested in a conversation with you, would you use A or B?

You know, I want to keep that in mind to keep them to talk more, get them more excited in

the conversation.

Which do you think it would be, A or B?

That's right, if they're not interested, you need to prompt them or you need to push them,

so the answer is going to be, what?

B. You're going to go: "Okay..."

So if they were to, like: "So, I got a new job."

You go: "Okay..."

Like: "You need to give me more information to make me interested in your conversation."

By using empathy here is not going to really help you as much because they don't really

care, so first you got to make them care and then get, you know, emotion from them.

How about the next one?

Someone is upset or angry about something.

Yeah, I'd say A. Right?

They have emotion.

You want to say: "How do you feel about that?

What do you think about that?"

Help them get that energy...

They're already energetic, they're excited, they're upset.

Remember?

Angry, upset is full of energy.

Now you want them to give you more information.

"Okay..." remember, that wouldn't be good in this situation because you'd be going,

like: -"I'm so angry, my boss ran out..."

-"Okay..."

It's like not the time.

You should be like: "Well, how do you feel about it?

What do you think is going on?"

This, you want to show empathy so they know you're listening so that they will continue

to speak to you.

Okay?

Excellent.

You're doing a good job.

Let's try the next one.

Someone is excited about something.

Someone is excited about something.

That's right, it's similar to the other situation.

Excited is with energy, they already have energy, so: -"How do you feel about it?"

-"I just got a new job, and it's, like, going to be in a new city and I have to travel."

And it's like: "So how do you feel about that?

Are you excited about that?"

You don't put emotions, you ask them, so go: "Yeah, I'm terribly excited.

I'm also afraid because I have to leave my friends, and..."

They're going to be excited to talk to you because they need to get it out, and you're

allowing them to do that.

"Okay..." as in: "Go on" would seem like...

We might say you seem disinterested, like: "Yeah?

What's so important about it?"

Clearly you can see they're excited, demonstrate you understand by asking them: "How do you

feel about it?"

Next one: You've been talking a lot in a conversation.

What should you do?

Hmm, you're going to say: "Oh, I'm not too sure."

I'll tell you what you do.

This.

"What?

Why would you do that?"

Well, you've been talking a lot, so you've been taking a lot of the air and the energy

in the conversation.

They might be now disinterested in the conversation or maybe even angry because you've been talking

the whole time like you don't care about them.

It's time for you to say something, like: "And then I did this, and then I did this,

and then I...

Do you know what?

You haven't been on a vacation in a long time.

How do you feel about taking a vacation to a country like this?

How would...?

What would you do?"

Turn it around, show empathy that I do care about what you think about my life, but I

also care what you think because I care about you.

Remember: One of the most important words in the English language is not the letter

A, but the letter I, right?

And once you say: "You", and they can say: "I think, I feel", they feel included, that's

where the emotion and the empathy comes in.

And finally: Someone is talking down to you.

Talking down to you means, like, this, they are going: "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."

They've got their nose, they're looking down on you because you're not important to them.

You seem like nothing to them.

"Mm-hmm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, what I feel..."

What would you do, A or B?

Yeah, funny enough, B.

And as a bonus, once the conversation turns around, first of all I would say: "Okay."

If they're talking down on me, like: "Dah-dah-dah", I go: "Yeah, okay, okay", because you're saying:

"Just as you don't think I'm not important, I'm not really impressed by your conversational

skills.

You need to bring them up.

You need to make me interested."

But here's a key: Once they are interested and they seem to give some energy or they're

interested in your conversation, then switch to A. After all, you're trying to improve

your conversation, right?

And the best way to improve your conversations is to have conversations.

To make people feel bad just because they make you feel bad doesn't make you get more...

Won't help you get more practice.

So what we want to do is maybe go to B because you're human and you deserve respect, but

once they're showing it to you, show A, that you care about them, because after all, this

lesson was how you can improve your conversation, but it's by doing practice or getting a lot

of practice.

To do that you need to involve people in that, the conversation, not just talk at them, but

talk with them.

With these two tips you'll be well on your way to finding that many people, even in your

own language, like talking to you more, want to talk to you, and enjoy conversations with

you.

You get the practice you need to be the person you want to be in a language: Fluent.

Now, I got to get going, so before you go...

Before I go, first of all I want to say thank...

Oh, I almost forgot.

You got homework.

You know what your homework is?

I need you to go to engVid.

There are a lot of people there and I see all the time...

Go to www.eng as in English, vid as in video.com (www.engvid.com).

A lot of people are always saying: "I need to talk to somebody.

I want to chat and practice."

Go there, go especially after this lesson, check out the people who are there.

Go on there, they often put down their Facebook or whatever, saying: "Hit me up" or "What's

up?"

Do so, practice these things so you can get it.

So if you can't talk to somebody, you know, in person right away, get online and talk

to people.

Cool?

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the lesson, once again.

Please subscribe, it's either up here or over there; it changes every day.

All right?

And I want to say thank you for watching the video.

Excuse me.

And don't forget to go check out other people on the website, they're great teachers.

Okay?

Been a pleasure, and I'll talk to you soon.