How to Defend Yourself in English

Do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do.

Hi.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi.

James from engVid.

Today, I want to teach you some English for self-defense in a way, like karate, jiu jitsu,

Krav Maga.

I know it's...

People think it's not a martial art, but it is.

And he's wearing his black belt from doing karate.

Ah.

Why?

Once a long time ago...

Well, not that long ago, but I had a student, and although I had many great stories to tell

about students, this one was a sad story because I really liked this student, and he was one

day in the subway, and he said he noticed someone that was similar to himself, similar

cultural background, trying to ask for help from one of the workers at the subway.

And that person, he could tell was being rude to them, but he didn't know what to say.

He didn't have the words because, unfortunately, in his English classes, we were teaching,

you know, verbs, nouns, adjectives, adverbs, how to use them in proper speech and context,

and nobody taught him the skills that he would naturally have in his own language, and that

we naturally have, we all have when you speak the language.

And I'm going to use a common word, like a comeback, but really it's a...

It's a phrase or a sentence to let someone know that just because I'm learning the language

doesn't mean I'm ignorant, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know you're being rude to me and you're being disrespectful, and I don't like it.

So this lesson is to teach five ways that you can engage with people to let them know,

"Hey, I may not be, you know, perfect in your language, but I understand you're being disrespectful

or you're not being intelligent at this point in time, and I want to let you know."

Right?

The best thing about it is if your language skills in English are a little bit weak and

you say something like this, they're going to be so shocked that I doubt most of them

will want to do anything disrespectful to you in the future because they'll be afraid

of what might come out of your mouth next.

Cool?

Now, if you're ready for that, let's go to the board.

We've got Mr. E going to "Hiya", and the first one is about respect.

So what I want to do here, oops, is I want to put a point down, because we want to talk

about boundaries and kindness.

Okay?

So, what I'm doing with this one, I'm going to say something like, I'm going to say, "I'm

not used to being talked to in that way.

I don't...

I don't like...

Sorry.

I don't like being spoken to in a disrespectful way, but I do feel that whatever's happening

is making you upset or sad, and I'd like to talk about it.

Can we do that?"

Now, what I just said was two things.

The first one is I don't like being spoke to in disrespect, which means I will end this

conversation if you continue this way.

That's called drawing a boundary.

I'm saying don't talk to me this way, that is a boundary.

You talk to me this way, the conversation's over.

But there is an element of kindness because I'm respecting the fact that you're human

and you're upset about something, and I want to work with you to make you feel better.

So even though I'm saying this is a boundary, I'm saying as long as you respect my boundary

and don't speak to me in that way, I will help you or try to help you feel better or

try and make this work.

Okay?

So that's the first one.

So it talks about respect, respect for the other person and respect for yourself.

You're asking them to respect you, and you will respect them and help resolve the problem

or situation.

Okay?

And this is, you know, can be used almost any time, and it should be the first line

of defense, talking about respect for each other.

Right?

Because we want to have good communication, and that happens when we respect the fact

that the other person you're speaking to is human like you.

So, let's look at number two.

Number two is about humour, and I'll show you why.

It's our first humour device.

Now, humour in Canada is spelt this way, before I hear anybody say, "Oh, you put a 'u'",

I'm like, "Eh, I'm in Canada."

United States, they don't have the extra 'u', but that's humour.

So humour is "hahaha", funny.

So you might say something like, "Well, that was unexpected.

Thanks for keeping life interesting."

And why am I using humour?

Because I want to show them I'm unaffected.

See, if you can laugh at a situation when someone's trying to be rude to you, and you're

like, "Oh, that was unexpected.

Glad you're here to keep things interesting."

It's like, I heard what you said, but it doesn't really bother me or do anything to me, so

what?

That is disarming, because if someone's trying to be rude to you to make you feel bad, and

you're laughing, going, "Okay, well, that was cool, whatever, I guess you're a bit of

a joker."

That disarms them, because they're like, "You're not hurt."

I'm like, "Nope."

See, I'm very confident, so I don't take that seriously.

That usually disarms.

That means make them not as aggressive towards you, and no one wants that.

They want to have an effect.

That's the key for them being disrespectful, and you're taking that away by saying, "Okay,

whatever.

Didn't affect me."

Right?

So, this is the first one where we're moving from being kindness, and we're maybe not being

kind anymore, but we're saying, "You didn't bother me by that comment."

Cool?

Let's look at number three.

Okay, now number three.

In life, we go in stages.

You start small, and you grow.

When something goes like this, we call it an escalation.

It's going more and more.

So, you might have noticed, here's kindness, no kindness, but humor.

But now, I'm going to talk about responsibility.

Sometimes when people are being rude, they're trying to put responsibility or blame on you,

because they don't want to take blame for something.

So, like, "I didn't do it, it was your fault, it was your responsibility, blah, blah, blah",

and they can be very rude.

In fact, I know a situation that happened recently with someone I work with, someone

came to them and said, "Don't tell people that I did this.

I'm not responsible when they actually did it."

And the other person was like, "Back up.

Don't try and get me in trouble for what you have done."

So, here's what you can say to somebody who's trying to make you responsible, or trying

to blame you, or trying to blame you for something that they actually have done.

You can say something like this, okay, "Don't try and make me responsible for X, Y, and

Z."

X, Y, and Z means whatever they're saying.

"I'm as responsible as your parents were irresponsible for having you."

You're kind of slapping them, and their parents, and their grandparents in the face for having

such an idiot.

Don't let people make you responsible for their faults or mistakes.

You can admit what you've done, but don't take the blame for others, because what happens

after a while is they start trying to make you what we call the "fall guy", make you

look stupid all the time so they can escape their own bad decisions and lack of responsibility.

So that's not a nice one, and you might get, what we say, a little pushback.

People might not be happy with that, but you know what?

If they're being that rude, they kind of deserve it.

I like this one, I really do, but it's mean.

My dad, and I hope he's watching, love my dad, said something when I was a kid I never

liked it, but when I grew older, I find myself saying it.

I hear my dad saying, "You not listen, you feel."

So some of you who aren't West Indian won't understand what that means, so I'll explain

it.

And it has to do with this one.

If someone is doing something silly and they look at you, you can say...

And they say, "What are you looking at?"

I can go, "Ah, the next Darwin Award."

So for some of you now, you're going, "There's two things you said, 'Darwin Award' and 'you

not listen, you feel'.

What is he talking about?"

Well, there is this award that is given out every year for the dumbest way to die and

leave life.

So you've left humanity and you've died in a stupid way.

It's called the Darwin Award because people are happy to give it because you're no longer

in the evolutionary pool, so you're no longer in humanity, so you will not reproduce.

So if you get a Darwin Award, it means you're dead for doing something stupid.

So when I say I'm looking at the next Darwin Award, I'm trying to tell you what you're

doing is so stupid, you're probably going to get hurt from this.

Well, my father would say, "You not listen, you feel.

Listen to the words.

If you don't listen, you will feel the consequence."

So, most people wouldn't understand "you not listen, you feel", so you can just turn around

and go.

If you keep doing that, you're going to be the next Darwin Award.

And if they say, "What are you looking at?", "The next Darwin Award", or you can say, "Are

you trying to get the next...", you got it, "Darwin Award".

This is someone being not very smart, right?

Not smart moves.

They're not being very smart, and you're trying to help them.

But they're not listening, so "you not listen, you feel".

Maybe you're like my dad was, actually, I love it.

And the last one, the last resort, I'm not talking about a resort hotel.

In the last resort is when you do something like this.

Somebody says something to you that is so rude, they're being rude or what have you,

you do this.

Oh, miss me?

Yeah, they will, too, because if it's in the middle of a conversation, what you just said

is...

And it's the important...

The eye contact first is important, because you're not leaving because...

Sorry, you're afraid of them.

That's not why you're leaving.

You look at them to say, "What I found, what you said was so disrespectful or rude, or

so far above the line, like you've crossed the line, done something that you cannot get

back from.

I have nothing to say to you.

Your excuses or apologies are not going to work on me.

I want nothing to do with you, so I'm not afraid of you.

I'm letting you know with my eyes that this is disappointment and disgust, and my feet

are showing you, and I will not tolerate it, and I will leave."

And if you say, "But I was joking", I'm not going to come back and say, "Oh, God, no,

you just leave."

And you let everybody else look at them and kind of go, "Whoa, what did you just do?"

I call it the last resort because almost, you know, walk away.

But the important thing here you want to remember is eye contact.

Sorry, eye contact.

You cannot walk away and not look at them because they...

If someone is that rude, they will feel that they made you afraid and feel small.

But for you to look directly in their eyes, hold their gaze for three, four, five seconds,

just look at them.

Look right at them.

I'll give you a secret.

If you have a hard time because you say, "I'm shy, I'm introverted, I can't do that", look

here between their eyebrows.

Don't look.

To them, it looks as though you're looking in their eyes anyway, so you can avoid direct

eye contact, but you just look there for five seconds.

Don't say a word.

Don't try to say, "You were rude", don't say nothing.

Stare for five seconds, look, turn your head, walk away.

Don't respond to anything they say.

Trust me.

Trust me, trust me, that will have an effect.

Because they wanted to have an effect on you, and you showed nothing.

You gave them nothing.

You left them alone with their feelings, emotions, or what have you.

That bothers people who want to have an effect on you.

Anyway, these were the five ways to use English on using comebacks.

Right?

The first one I said to you, so if you want to try and remember, that is, "I don't like

people speaking to me in a disrespectful way, but I do feel that you're upset and I'm happy

to help you with it.

How can we work this out?"

That's showing your kindness and your boundaries.

Don't talk to me like that and I'll help you.

The second one, unexpected, well, that was unexpected.

You could use something like that.

That was unexpected.

"Thanks for keeping things lively, here."

Or "That was unexpected.

I didn't know you were a comedian."

Or "That was unexpected.

Nobody wanted to hear you say that, but thank you."

By saying this, it's like what you said is rude, and no one expects people to be rude,

but I'm using humour to get back and say...

But I'm unaffected by it.

Right?

Unaffected.

Other one, responsibility.

If someone tries to say you're responsible, you could say, "I am not responsible for XYZ",

whatever it is, just as your parents were being irresponsible when they had you.

Ouch.

This is...

Bam, hitting the head, because no one's expecting you to say that.

It's pretty rude because you're talking about their parents now.

It's one thing to talk about me, but I'm saying you and your whole family are screwed up.

The "Darwin" is when someone's not listening and they're going to get hurt, so this is

different.

You're trying...

You've tried to say, "Please don't do that.

You're going to get hurt."

Oh my gosh, I'm thinking of how many times my father said, "Please stop.

You're going to get hurt.

You're going to get...

You're not listening."

You feel...

And walked away.

He tried.

Dad, I know you tried.

Okay.

So, anyway.

But when someone's not doing something smart, you say, "Hey, listen.

I'm looking at the next Darwin Award."

The reason why you say that is to...

When I say "listen", to get them to stop and go, "What do you mean?

What are you talking about?"

It gives you an opportunity to explain it.

Okay?

So, as much as it's got joke in it and it's not very nice, you're trying to look for an

opportunity to get them to listen when nothing else has happened.

And then finally, some people can't be reasoned with.

You just don't talk to them because they are that rude.

They don't want to discuss things.

They don't want to fix things.

Look them in the eyes, and that secret I told you, between the two eyebrows, if you need

to, two, three, four seconds, five, hold it.

Say nothing.

Hold your ground.

Because they're waiting for you to say something.

Then just leave.

Just like I'm going to do in about five seconds, because I hope you enjoyed the lesson.

Please, if you have any questions or you want any, you know, help, put it in the comments

on engVid or on YouTube.

Right?

People there, it's not just myself, because I've given you examples.

I've given you examples, like with this one, "The Unexpected", I showed you how you can

change it for yourself.

Other people can give you probably examples of what's happened to them, and...

Or stories of that happened to them and how they handle the situation.

This is a great way to make the community grow, or language community grow, and to make

yourself safe out there.

Right?

Because we're not just here to teach you grammar and stuff.

We want you to have a good life in the countries and the experiences you come to.

Right?

With English-speaking people.

Anyway, thank you very much for listening.

I'm looking forward to sharing another video with you soon.

Leave comments below, because if you like it, we'll do another one like that.

Right?

So, you can go here on YouTube, or you can go to engVid, and I'll see you soon.

Ciao.