Always have something to say in English conversations

- Hi there, and welcome to Speak English with Christina

where you'll learn American culture and business know how

to become confident in English

and welcome back for the next part in our mini course

and today's episode is all about how to always have

something to say and to hesitate less in conversations

and as always, if you want to activate the subtitles

for this video, go ahead and click on that little CC icon

and just a reminder, this is part of our free mini course,

which is called Confident Conversation Skills:

Small Talk Strategies For Big Success

and it's all about helping you feel more confident

in your small talk conversations,

so that you can, you know, make connections

and advance in your career

and if you want to get all of the lessons

that I'll send in the future,

go ahead and sign up at christinarebuffet.com

and I'll send you a new English lesson every Tuesday

and you'll be a part of our

Speak English Ambassador community

and today is part three of our mini course

and it's about how to always have something to say

and hesitate less in conversations,

so that you feel more confident

and you feel more comfortable

and we're going to look at specifically

how to make connections and share personal information

in a small talk conversation

because connecting with the other person is the key

to you know, using small talk wisely

and having a good small talk conversation.

So in this lesson, we're going to look at key vocabulary,

discourse markers and we'll also see what those are exactly

but for now, just know that they are essential

if you want to sound relaxed and natural.

We'll look at a conversation strategy that is very effective

for connecting with the other person,

no matter what the topic of conversation

and we'll also look at some cultural insights

and the American conversation style

of looking for consensus.

So let's get into the key vocabulary

and the discourse markers

and to start, we will just define,

you know, what are discourse markers?

They are these little words and phrases that are used

in conversations to show reactions, transitions,

to show interest et cetera,

and they are a big part of spoken conversations.

Like according to studies by linguists,

65% of sentences in conversations

begin with discourse markers

and something that I've noticed in 15 years

of teaching students, adult students

is that very few students use them

regularly in their conversation,

but like I said, they are essential

if you want to sound natural and friendly.

So we're going to look at five very common discourse markers

and how you can use them in your conversation.

We're going to look at actually, well,

so anyway, you're kidding and I know what you mean.

You can see a discourse marker,

sometimes it's just a single word,

but sometimes it can be a complete sentence.

We're going to look at each one individually,

we'll define it, you know, how it works

and I'll give you an example of how you would use it

in a small talk conversation.

So actually, this modifies or contradicts

what the other person said.

It's like a polite way of correcting someone

and it does not mean at the moment.

In some languages, I know that words that look similar

to actually, they mean now or currently or at the moment,

but that's a false friend.

So in a conversation, let's imagine you're at a conference

and someone asks you, you know,

oh is this your first time at the conference?

Well, it's not.

So you can very nicely correct them

and just say well actually, this is my fourth year here.

So you modify or contradict what the other person says,

but of course, in a very natural polite way.

Well, this makes a disagreement more polite.

So for example, someone says, oh your brother's a policeman.

That must be pretty exciting and in reality, not really.

So you would say, well,

I think it's more stressful than exciting.

So you're politely disagreeing

but the well is also very useful

to give you time to think and to find your words.

So for example, someone says,

well what do you think of the new director?

And you're not sure what you want to say.

You can take a minute to think and, you know, well,

hmm, he's not too bad, I guess

and that is a very natural way of hesitating

to look for your words.

So you don't always have to have a response

immediately to be natural.

So anyway, this is a very smooth way to change the topic,

especially useful if you don't want to talk about a subject.

So for example, someone wants to talk about politics

and they say, ah, I can't believe

that the president said that.

You can acknowledge what they say, like, yeah, I know

and then change the topic.

So anyway, got any plans for the weekend.

That's a very natural polite way of doing that

and then, you're kidding.

This is very useful to show a reaction after a coincidence

or something surprising that someone says.

For example, someone says, oh my daughter went to New York

to study English last year

and oh, it's a coincidence because

your son was in New York also

and you can say, oh you're kidding, so did my son

but to study architecture.

So that's a good way of, you know,

showing a reaction to something

and finally, I know what you mean.

This is a way of saying I understand your point of view,

I sympathize with you.

So imagine you come out of a very long meeting

with a colleague and the colleague is like geesh,

that was the longest meeting ever

and you can say yeah, I know what you mean,

time for a coffee break and it just shows that you are

sympathizing or that you understand the other person.

It's a great way to build a connection.

Now, let's look at that conversation strategy

for connecting with the other person.

So what you want to do here is to identify

things that you have in common.

This creates trust, it builds rapport

and it shows that you have a connection together

and in business, this is very important

because we want to work with people who share our values,

not necessarily who have the same interests as us,

that can help, but it's really more about showing

that you have some kind of similar values

and the key to this is to listen to the other person

very actively, very attentively

and we'll see why that's important,

because when you're listening,

you can hear lots of different things

and you can connect something that they say to your life

and show that connection.

So let's look at a concrete example.

So let's imagine you are in a conversation.

Someone says oh, so how was your vacation?

Very common small talk topic

and your colleague says, oh it was great.

We went to Aspen in the Rockies

and we tried skiing for the first time.

That's hard stuff.

Now, we have lots of possibilities

to create a connection with this person

based on what she just said.

We're going to see.

So imagine you say hmm, okay, so she's talking about travel.

I can talk about travel and oh, coincidence,

I went to the Rockies in the past as well.

Now, maybe you didn't, but you can still talk about travel

in a more general way and you can say something like,

oh, was it fun?

So you're showing interest in the other person

and then you're making a connection.

I visited the Rockies 10 years ago during a trip to the US.

I loved it.

So even if it was 10 years ago,

you didn't go skiing specifically,

but you had a you know, a trip to the US

and you can share something

and you've built a connection with that person.

Now let's look at another way that you can find

a different topic of conversation.

We don't change what the other person says

but we say, oh I can talk about skiing,

I've tried that one time as well.

There's something we have in common

and you say ah, I know what you mean.

So, I understand when you say skiing is difficult.

I know what you mean.

I tried one time in the Alps and I fell all the time,

but it was lots of fun.

So again, showing a connection to some kind of activity

that you have in common

and let's look at another way that you can find

another topic of conversation,

just in that same thing that your colleague said.

Hmm, okay, I haven't been to the Rockies.

I haven't traveled to the US.

I don't like skiing but I can talk about sports in general

and so you can say, oh that sounds like fun.

I love doing things outdoors, but I've never been skiing.

How was it?

So again, you know, you found something in common.

It's quite general, this is true but that is totally fine.

You're talking about sports and being outdoors

and you're also putting the person, you know,

in a position where you want to listen to them

because you've asked them to describe and share

their experience with you and I think especially today,

you know, people don't listen to each other enough

and so, when someone asks you a question,

and they really want to hear your answer,

you know that just builds a great connection.

So, you know, the important thing in that technique

is to really, to listen and to connect

what the other person says to your life

in any way that you can, even if it's just,

oh, I've never done that, what is it like?

That's connecting it to your life and you can ask questions

and then of course, listen to their answer,

show interest in the other person.

So next, let's look at cultural insights

and looking for consensus.

In the US, in small talk, we tend to look for connections,

to look for similarities, to try to find consensus,

maybe polite disagreement perhaps

but we don't try to provoke people

with controversial topics or ideas

at least not in small talk and not in the early stages,

not before you have built a connection with the person

and you know them a little better.

So, you want to stay with some safe topics

at least in the beginning and the more you get to know

the person, the stronger your connections,

the more you can get into hot topics, let's say,

you know things like US foreign policy and wars,

the gap between the rich and the poor in the US,

US domestic politics, the growing power

of what we call GAFA.

This is Google, Amazon, Facebook and not Amazon twice,

that should be Apple, sorry about that.

Guns and violence and the role that those have

in American society.

These, you know, are considered interesting to discuss

in a lot of cultures and you may you know, genuinely

want to take advantage of having an American there

to ask about this and get their perspective

but these can be divisive and controversial topics.

So you want to build that relationship first.

Like don't start the conversation like,

oh, what do you think of President Trump?

I've had so many people say like, oh, you're American,

nice to meet you, what do you think about Trump?

And I'm like, you know, I don't want to get into this

right now, I don't want to argue about politics yet.

Let's get to know each other a little bit.

So you've got to build that relationship first

and this is really part of, I guess,

the American logic of conversation,

for better or for worse, let's say, it's what it is,

but we do tend to try to avoid confrontation

that can damage a personal or professional relationship

and like I said, you have to first find the connections

and the reasons to relate to the other person

and to build and strengthen those connections

and when you've connected on the things

that you have in common, then you can address

the sensitive topics because they are interesting

and it is interesting to get a you know,

a different person's perspective but to do it carefully

after you've got those other connections in place.

So here's the recap for today

on how to always have things to say.

Use those discourse markers to sound natural,

but also to give you time to think in a very natural way.

Connect with others by listening

and finding things in common,

and remember that many Americans look for consensus

and agreement to build relationships

before discussing sensitive topics

if they discuss them at all.

Now I have a question for you.

Talking about topics of conversation,

what is one topic of conversation

that you need more vocabulary for,

that you just really feel stuck

when the conversation turns to that topic.

Share your suggestions with me in the comments

and then I can make lots of videos on that vocabulary

and if you are, you know, feel like you want to become

more confident and better at conversations in English,

I've got a very special offer that is going to start

on Wednesday, November 13th on a new course

an updated course, that's called American English

Confident Conversation Skills.

This was the course formerly called Successful Small Talk,

but we're updating it, we're adding new materials

and so we're also changing the title to reflect that

and on Wednesday, November 13th, that special offer,

you will be able to get the online course,

American English Confident Conversation Skills

and a bonus of two months of live conversation practice

in my Faster Fluency Conversation Club.

Normally that package together would be 395 euros

but we're doing a very special offer,

you can get it for only 197 euros.

That's like 50% off almost that package.

So, I want to help you to become more confident.

I want to help you to become better

at conversation in English and for me to do that,

I need you to go and sign up at christinarebuffet.com,

so that I can send you that special offer

and also, I can send you a free English lesson every week.

Alright, that's it for today.

Thanks a lot and I'll see you next time.