How to be polite in English, with Leandra King -

- Hello and welcome to Speak English With Christina, the place to learn fun, fluent,

and easy American English.

Today I'm really excited because I have a special guest on today, I'll be interviewing

Leandra King, who is the creator of The Culture Sensitive Phrasebook.

Because, you know, in American English especially, but also in British English, and in lots of

different places in the English speaking world, politeness is really important.

Like when you communicate with native English speakers, it's really important to be polite.

And Leandra is the creator of this Culture Sensitive Phrasebook to help non native English

speaking expats to understand the culture that is behind the English language.

So, lots of things about politeness, and this is something that will help you to have better

relationships, it could be professional relationships or friendships, if you're trying to meet,

let's say, native speakers because you live in the United States or you live in a different

English speaking country.

She's from Barbados, as well, so it's good to have a different accent from my American

accent.

I think you'll really enjoy that.

So, I'm gonna let you enjoy this conversation.

You're going to learn a lot about politeness, why it's important, how to be polite, how

to be sure that you avoid being rude even if you don't mean to be rude, like you do

it not on purpose.

Alright, and I'll see you after the video, as well.

Okay, so hello Leandra, and how are you?

- Hi, Christina, I'm good, how are you doing?

- I'm good, I'm good.

So, first of all, I just wanna say thank you for taking some time to talk with us today.

Especially because the whole issue of politeness and sort of being sensitive to that is, in

my opinion, one of the neglected aspects of English language teaching a lot of times.

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, I agree.

And your book, The Culture Sensitive Phrasebook, I've read it, it's absolutely awesome.

So maybe just to start out, can you maybe tell us some stories or maybe some experiences,

I mean what led you to write this book, basically?

- Yeah, well, first of all, thanks for having me.

And, as you mentioned, The Culture Sensitive Phrasebook is about being more polite in English.

And the reason I really lean towards this area is because I've had experiences before

where, as you noticed, that non native speakers weren't as polite as they ought to be.

And it wasn't only towards me, I observed it with other native speakers, and the result

that that led to, how they were regarded, how they were viewed, that it was not positive,

so I wanted to make persons aware of the mistakes because I think that a lot of times it's unintentional

and the persons aren't aware of the mistakes that they're making, so that led me to my

experiences and wanting others to be aware of the mistakes, that led me to want to create

the book.

- Right, okay.

Yeah, cause I think it's the same, you know I've had the same experience, especially as

a teacher, you know when you say something and let's say that the polite way, if someone

says something to you and you don't understand, the polite thing is to say something like,

sorry, or, I didn't quite catch that, or, wait can you say that again?

And a lot of times people would just say like, I don't understand.

And especially, like between the sentence, which is very direct, and the intonation,

which a lot of times people don't really pay much attention to, it comes off as almost

aggressive.

- Yes.

- And I don't think they want to sound that way, I think it's just they're using what

they have to express the idea as directly as they can, and it comes out sounding like,

they're kind of rude.

-Yeah, definitely.

Also to add to that, I was having a Skype conversation with a French speaker the other

day and she didn't understand what I said, and her response was like, what?

- Yeah, yeah, I get that, yeah, what?

- And she said it so aggressively, I was a bit, like even though I teach polite English

I was a bit taken aback, because she said in such an aggressive manner, and I know she

didn't mean it in an aggressive manner, but she just didn't understand, and so then I

had to explain to her, you need to say, well, sorry, I didn't catch that.

Yeah, because.

- Yeah, the what is.

- Just simple things like that can really create problems when you're communicating

with a native speaker.

- Yeah, exactly, because it can be perceived in like an aggressive way.

And I think, you know, like I think, you know, in the U.S. and maybe in the English speaking

world, in general, for example, with French people we have this stereotype that French

people are rude, and I think it comes, and maybe a part of that comes from this notion

of like, probably when American tourists are interacting with people on their visit to

France, yeah, I'm sure the Americans, their French level is probably not so great, so

they're speaking English to French people, and the French people are maybe saying like,

what, what?

And they're like, ugh, these people are so rude.

And I think that's perhaps part of the stereotype.

So, yeah, so in your opinion why it is so important to be polite in English, I mean,

why is it not sufficient just to express your idea?

- Right, well, I think you had touched on this before, but this is an area that's so

often overlooked, like especially in language classes the focus is on fluency in terms of

linguistic fluency, and I find that not much attention is paid towards polite English.

And, yes, you learn please and thank you, but polite English goes way beyond just those

two basic words.

And if you want to have better relationships with your, let's say you're working with English

speaking colleagues or you have friends, if you're living in a native speaking country

you have neighbors, you have to interact with them on a daily basis, you need to have good

relationships, have a good rapport with people, and also it shows good manners because you

don't want to be seen as that rude expat, you know, she's so rude, he's so rude, and

then you will find that if you are rude, even if it's unintentional, persons start to view

you differently, they treat you differently, and you might start to notice their attitudes,

maybe their attitude is changing and you don't even know what you've done wrong or why.

So it's so important.

I was thinking, too, that persons think in terms of fluency as expressing yourself.

I've even noticed persons who, like they have an advanced level of English, I mean like

near native speaker or almost like a native speaker, and sometimes they're so rude in

the way they communicate with others, even though they already have an advanced level.

So it just goes to show, like you have to understand the culture behind the language

being more sensitive, being more thoughtful, things like that, because if you are just

able to express yourself that's not enough, like you need to actually understand the way

behind certain things.

- Right, yeah, it's because there's a lot of cultural let's say expectations, I think,

that are connected to this idea of politeness, like what is considered polite or rude in

one culture is maybe completely different in another culture, and so you just have to

also be aware of that.

And so, it even goes beyond language, it's even maybe country specific, as well, and

that's something to learn when you're learning the language, especially, yeah.

And you talked about people, like if you're not careful about being polite, how people's

attitudes can change towards you, like how will the other people see you if you're not

doing these polite things or using this polite language, like what happens?

- Right, so you like start to notice maybe the person is a bit standoffish, a bit cold,

or they don't wanna spend much time around you, or even maybe dismissive of certain things

that you may say just because of that perception of rudeness and like, okay, well I don't have

time to put up with this kind of thing, and you might notice this, yeah, this standoffish

kind of attitude and you're not sure why, and also I was thinking it could affect you

financially because I know persons who, because of how they express themselves, they lost

business, persons, they don't want to become clients because of their attitude and how

they responded, and, I mean, it might have been unintentional, but it could really affect

your career, as well.

- Okay, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, that's a really good point about, yeah, if you're talking to a potential client

and you're not using these polite expressions or this polite way of speaking and communicating,

they might say, I don't wanna work with this guy, he's a jerk.

Well maybe just a quick little vocabulary thing, you said people are standoffish, like

some of the people watching the video, they might not know that expression, how would

you explain, like what is, how do you recognize when someone is standoffish?

- I would say it's another word for how they're being cold towards you, so they're not being

close towards you, close to you, they might be not coming around you as much anymore,

spending more time, there's more distance between you two, I guess you can say.

- Okay, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, like they're really avoiding.

It could be avoiding you, but you can definitely tell that they're not enjoying being in your

company.

- Yeah, your company, yeah.

- Okay, yeah, sure.

Now what about some tips for people who maybe they're afraid of being unintentionally rude,

like they don't feel like they're being rude, and maybe they're a little worried about that,

like what tips would you give someone who wants to be sure that they're not unintentionally

being rude?

- Right, okay.

So a good one I can think of is in terms of making requests.

So, like you're asking for help with something, I mean it's something you have to do almost

on a daily basis.

- All the time, yeah.

- Yeah.

So, some persons have a tendency of just giving like a direct command and maybe just adding

please at the end of it.

- Right, yeah, thinking that's polite.

If I say please, it's okay.

- Yeah, but it might not be seen as that polite.

So, in terms of using a verb like could.

So, instead of, give me the plate please, you know, could you please give me the plate,

could you please hand me the plate.

Something like that, using that could, it softens your request for help, because you

don't want to do it in such a way that's like you're bossing the person around, you're being

domineering, and you want the person to feel more inclined to actually help you.

- Right, yeah, exactly.

- Yeah, so that's one.

Another one that I think is often overlooked is body language, as well, because when you're

communicating your body language says a lot, and if your body language is not in sync with

what you're saying, in terms of maintaining eye contact, nodding, not folding or crossing

your arms, things like that, smiling during a conversation, that helps a lot in terms

of politeness.

Another thing would be being more sensitive.

So, when I was doing some research on polite English and stuff, I found out that the Dutch,

and Germans, as well, that they're very direct and they don't mince words, they just say

it directly, so if you ask them for something they'll say no without like any explanation,

based on my research.

But, you know, you need to be a bit more sensitive, especially when you're giving feedback and

giving your opinion on something, or telling someone what you think, you know, could kind

of beat around the bush a bit.

So you have a bit more time, and so you aren't considered rude.

Also, like when you're giving your feedback, there are sometimes words you can add to make

it a bit nicer.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, like what are some examples?

- So, for example, you know, like even a simple, okay, you say, I'm not fond of, I don't know,

this drawing.

Or you could say, I'm not too fond, I don't know, just those little, or, there are some

issues with this, or, there are a few issues, instead of just saying, there are issues,

you know, you add in a few to soften.

- Yeah, like to minimize it a little bit.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course there are times when you need to give strong counsel, but in general when

you're having a conversation every day with your colleagues, you don't want to be burning

bridges like that unnecessarily.

So being more sensitive, thinking of how your comments affect persons, whether positively

or negatively, you're giving someone feedback on maybe their clothing, or hair style or

something, thinking about, you know, taking the person's feelings into consideration and

trying to think of how would it affect you if it was said, if it was the other way around.

- Like if they said, if someone said that to you how would it make you feel?

- Exactly.

- Yeah, okay, so there's a lot of empathy, as well, like putting yourself in the place

of the other person, too.

You know, think before you speak basically, which is sort of good common sense advice,

in any case.

Right, okay, so that's really good to just think about, especially I think when working

with like English speaking cultures we are very big on politeness and indirectness, and,

yeah, exactly.

And there are some cultures where they prefer, it's actually considered better to be direct

and frank and, you know, an expression we have in English, brutally honest.

- Exactly, yeah, I've heard it's actually like that, you have to be, if you're beating

around the bush you're being, like that's considered rude.

- Yeah, yeah, cause you're not being honest, exactly.

So, yeah, there is a lot of cultural differences sort of wrapped up in this notion of politeness,

but if you're dealing with English speaking cultures we do tend to kind of lean towards

the politeness side of it, right, good.

Okay, great, great, great.

Leandra, I just wanna say thank you so much for this conversation because it was very

interesting, and I think it's going to be useful for a lot of people in the Speak English

community because a lot of them work with Americans, different nationalities, and politeness

is definitely a hot topic.

So thank you so very much for all of your time and your advice.

- Yeah, so thank you for having me.

- Okay, thanks.

Okay, so I hope that you really enjoyed that interview.

I had a lot of fun talking to Leandra.

If you don't know, Leandra and I, we actually met on Facebook in a group for English teachers

who make videos on YouTube.

So I definitely want to encourage you to check out her site, and I'll put the link to that

in the notes below this video, but also to go over and to actually check out her book,

The Culture Sensitive Phrasebook, because there is a phrasebook, and there is also a

workbook, and it is, I had a look at it, and personally, I think that this is just a really

useful resource for helping you to avoid those situations where the way that you speak could

be perceived as rude, and the book will help you to improve those situations, to use the

language and the attitudes that help you to speak English in a more polite way, to improve

the relationships, to maybe get more clients or better clients, and just to enjoy the conversations

that you have more because people are friendlier, people are more open with you, people enjoy

talking with you in English because you are polite and friendly in English.

So definitely go over, I'll put the notes, put the link, sorry, in the notes below this

video so you can check out Leandra's site, you can get a copy of The Culture Sensitive

Phrasebook and the workbook, and you can just start becoming lovely, and friendly, and polite

in English.

I'm sure you're very polite already, and very friendly, but, you know, there's always things

that can be improved, and politeness really is one of those complex aspects of speaking

English because it's culturally connected, it's connected to the language, and, like

Leandra said, just putting please on the end of your sentence is not always sufficient.

So, enjoy that and I'm gonna tell you I will you see you next week for a new Speak English

With Christina episode.

Alright, you guys, have a good day, and I'll see you next time.