Polite & Professional English: How to soften your language

Hi. Welcome to www.engvid.com. I'm Adam. In today's video, I want to talk to you about

ways to be diplomatic when speaking. Now, this is especially important in more formal

situations like business, or when you're working with a teacher, or in school, for example,

coworkers, actual business between companies, all these things. You want to be diplomatic

so that you don't offend anyone, okay? It's very easy to offend people, and a lot of this

has to do with cultural norms, or things that are normal in one culture might not be so

normal in another culture. Now, I've had... I've been teaching for a long time, and I've

had students from all over the world, and I know that some of them like to be very direct

in their speech. But I also understand that in some countries, that direct speech can

be a little bit, you know, off-putting or a little bit offensive to the locals, right?

Canadians, for example, are very polite. A little bit too polite, some people might say.

And when somebody speaks to them very directly, very straightforward, they're a little bit,

you know, they're not sure what's going on, sometimes they get offended. So, they're a

little bit too sensitive, but just in case, you should know how to speak diplomatically.

"Diplomatically" basically means saying something in a more polite way, in a softer way, okay?

So that's the first thing we want to learn how to do. We want to soften the language

we use. So, instead of saying, "This isn't good", so somebody comes to you with a proposal

or they come to you with a design or whatever, and you say, "This isn't good", that statement,

this very straightforward, very correct, I mean, you're not wasting time, you're just

telling them what you think, but a lot of people will be, like, offended. They'll think...

They'll be insulted or they'll think they did something bad, so you don't want to make

them feel bad, right? So, what you can do is you can soften the language. Now, one way

to do that is just to turn the statement of fact into an opinion. "I think this could

be improved." Now, as soon as you put "I think", basically what you're saying is here's an

opinion, and opinions are much easier to accept than statements. Now, why? Because you're

allowed to have your opinion, you're allowed to have your opinion, everybody has an opinion.

When you give an opinion, you're opening the door to a discussion, to a dialogue, right?

And that's the whole point of diplomacy, dialogue, having a discussion about something. So, when

you say, "I think something", then you're softening it and it's much easier to get into

a discussion and see how to fix it.

Another thing you can do, always offer an alternative. If you're just saying it's bad,

well, okay, end of discussion, nothing left to talk about, that person walks away feeling

bad, you go on doing whatever you do. So, soften it, offer improvement... Offer alternatives.

And use modal verbs. "Might", "may", "could", "would", etc., right? So, I used here, "It

could be improved." I didn't say, "I think this needs to be improved", or "This needs

improvement", or whatever. That's, again, a statement. "This could be improved" means, again, I'm offering

a possibility, and possibilities open the door to discussion. I'm not saying it needs

to be improved, you have to improve it, which are kind of modals, but I'm talking about

softening modals. What you're doing is you're opening the door for discussion.

Another thing you can do is use negative questions, okay? Instead of saying, "This isn't good",

well, "Why don't we make some changes?" "Why don't we" basically means I'm offering you

the opportunity or the possibility to make some changes. I'm not saying you have to,

but when I ask you a question like this, "Why don't we make some changes to this?" Automatically,

you understand that it's not good as it is, but, okay, let's talk about what kind of changes

we can make, how can we make this better, and then you start a dialogue and you're engaged

in diplomacy, okay? Wouldn't this be better if, right? So, again, you're going to offer

an alternative, you're going to offer a different way to do something, and you're going to present

it with a modal and a negative question, right? It makes the language softer, again, opens

the door to discussion, and the person who brought you the whatever, the plan or the

design feels that you're open to listening to different ideas, you're going to offer

ideas, you're going to listen to ideas, and eventually, you guys, the two people together

will reach some sort of agreement, okay? But, with all these in mind, there are also certain

expressions that you should know that are much easier to accept than direct statements,

so we're going to look at those next.

Okay, now, we also have a few expressions, like set expressions that you can use in many

situations, instead of very direct expressions, right? If somebody offers you some food, you

go to somebody's house and they offer you some tuna, okay? Some people don't like tuna,

that's fine. Instead of saying, "I don't like it", the person who's offering it to you will

feel right away... Will feel bad, might even feel offended or insulted, so you don't...

You don't want to make them feel bad, right? So, there are other ways. You can say, "Well,

I'm not a big fan of tuna." Okay, that's fine. You don't have to like it, but again, it's

not about whether you like it or not, it's about how you say you don't like it. So, if

you say, "I'm not a big fan of", okay, understood. Not everybody likes it, you don't have to

have it. I'll bring you some mac and cheese or whatever, right?

Same meaning, "I'm not too keen on". "Too keen"... "Not keen on" means don't really like something,

or you could say, "I don't really love it", same idea. "Well, I don't really love tuna."

If you don't love tuna, it means you don't like it, you dislike it, right? It's the same

idea, more polite. "Well, tuna isn't really to my taste." So, "not really to my taste"

means I don't like it, essentially, right? I don't have the taste for it, it doesn't

taste good to me, but again, very soft way. "Tuna isn't really my cup of tea." This is

an idiom and very common, like, British use, but "not my cup of tea" means I prefer something

else, right? Or it's just not my favourite. Even if it's not... If it's not your favourite,

you can still like it, but the idea is if it's not your favourite, you just don't like

it and you don't want it. So, there's no need to say, "I don't like it." It's very harsh,

right? The way when you say it, it sounds to the person very harsh, very... Like a little

bit of a punch in the gut, they don't like that, right?

Somebody states an opinion or states an argument about something, you say, "You're wrong." Again,

nobody likes to be told that they're wrong, so you can basically suggest it without actually

saying it. "I'm not... I'm not sure that's entirely accurate." "Accurate" means like

very correct, like very exact. So, I'm not sure that's entirely accurate. When something's

not accurate, it's just not right, right? So, basically you're saying the same thing

as you're wrong, but in a particular way that opens the door to go give them the correct

information, right? And they... They're able to accept it more easily because you didn't

tell them they're wrong. They're not wrong, they're just not exactly right, but it's the

same idea.

"I'm not sure that works." Okay? So, I'm not sure that argument works, or I'm not sure

that plan works, or I'm not sure something. Again, as soon as you say, "I'm not sure",

you're presenting it as an opinion, and therefore you open the door to discussion, right?

"Well, yes and no." Now, as soon as you say "yes" and "no", it's really "no" with a little

bit of "yes", right? But if you're going to say "yes" and "no", make sure you say something

positive, but then say why you think it's wrong. And again, anything you say you have

to support, you have to back up. If you're going to tell somebody their opinion is wrong,

or their process is wrong, or whatever is wrong, make sure that you tell them what you

think is actually right, and that way, again, open to discussion and diplomacy.

Somebody brings you a project, or brings you a proposal, or brings you something, and you

say, "Well, I'm not really satisfied with this aspect of it", or "I'm not really satisfied

with your project". Again, "I'm not satisfied with" is a little bit softer than "I don't

like it", but again, the "not satisfied", you still have a negative here. "Not satisfied"

is still a little bit not nice to hear. So, you can say, "Well, this isn't exactly what

I had in mind. In my mind, I had something like this. This isn't exactly the same." So,

again, not bad, but I wanted something different, right? And if I wanted something different,

that's fine. Obviously, I can't read another person's mind. I'm not going to give it exactly,

so now we start talking. Okay, what is in your mind? Okay, I'll make some changes and

I'll bring it back to you. Well, I have some reservations about, right? Now, "some reservations"

means, like, some concerns, some things... Some parts of it that I don't really like

and that might need some changes, right? So, again, all of these things lead to discussion,

compromise, and a final agreement on something. I got a few more for you. One second.

Okay, finally, we have the one-word answer. People don't like one-word answers, especially

when that one word is "no". Okay? "Would you like to go out for a drink?" "No." "Would

you like to come over for a party?" "No." "Would you like to do anything?" "No." That

word "no", people hate this word. Right? It's very final, it's very negative, obviously,

and it doesn't give any opportunity for further discussion. So, try not to answer people with

a one-word "no" answer, even if the answer is "no". Okay? Again, sometimes people are

a little bit pushy, and the only answer that they will understand and finally stop is "no",

but again, they're not being diplomatic, you don't need to be either. If somebody's being

polite to you, be polite back. "Would you like to go out for a drink?" "I'm afraid I

can't at the moment." Okay? "I'm afraid" already softens... Softens the whole thing, and then

give a reason why right away. "I'm sorry, I can't at the moment. I have to", whatever,

finish a project. Ideally, always give an excuse or give a reason, but don't say "no".

"I just can't at the moment. I'm busy", whatever. "Actually, I need to do something else." Right?

So I can't do whatever it is you'd like me to do. Better than saying "no". Same with

"Can I speak to you?" "No." "Okay. Bye." Right? That's... That's the kind of feeling people

have when you say "no". So, "I'm a bit busy right now. You know, maybe later." Or, "Could

you give me a minute?" Okay. "Can you give me five minutes?" Basically, I'll come talk

to you later, but not right at this particular moment. It basically means "No, I'm not...

I can't talk to you now, but I'm not closing the door on doing it later."

But, when all else fails and you forget these expressions and you're not sure what to say,

say whatever you... Whatever the question is, whatever the suggestion is, whatever the offer

is, say "Oh, okay, that's a good idea", or "That's not a bad idea, but..." Now, again,

for native English speakers, as soon as we hear that word "but", we already know the

answer is "no" or we already know that the... The answer that we want is not coming to us.

Right? "But we're not too upset about it." Okay? That's a different kind of "but". "But"

fixes everything. It's... You're going to give a positive, "but", and then the negative

is already understood, you don't even have to say it. The listener will understand it.

But if you're not sure of something else, you can always just give an alternative. "Okay,

how about..." and then give a different suggestion. Right? "Would you like to go somewhere?" "Well,

how about we do it next week?" or "How about I call somebody else to join us because I

don't really want to be alone with you?" Right? Obviously you're not going to say that part,

but that's what you mean. So, "How about", a different suggestion, "Oh, I'd love to go

out right now for a drink with you." "But", and then you go on to the excuse why you can't.

Okay? Again, many ways to be diplomatic. And the thing you need to understand, if you're

new to a culture and you're saying... Speaking to somebody in a certain way, always pay attention

to reaction, pay attention to the facial gesture. If somebody asks you a question and you say

"no", for you it's just a straight answer. Right? But if they... If they pull back a

little bit or if they give you, like, a weird expression, that means you've offended them

a little bit. Right away, try to give something else to soften that "no" answer. Right? That's

being diplomatic. Okay.

Now, if you have any questions about this, please go to www.engvid.com. You can ask me

in the comments section there. There's also a quiz at www.engvid.com that you can test

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and come back. I'll give you some more good English lessons to help you guys improve your

language skills. Okay? I'll see you then. Bye.