English Anxiety? How to Overcome the Fear of Speaking

44,636 views ・ 2019-02-21

Accent's Way English with Hadar


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

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Hey everyone, it's Hadar.
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Thank you for joining me.
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Today I want to share with you a question I received from one of my followers on Instagram.
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Her name is Nadia, and she's been struggling with anxiety around having
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conversation in English.
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And this is what your rights.
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She says, "I always get anxious at work with my coworkers and director, especially
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if I want to provide new ideas or explain something.
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I always think that they, they're gonna judge me and pretty much make fun of my accent.
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I know I'm not supposed to think this way.
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But this feeling is pressuring me.
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I need your advice, especially since I applied for a management position, and I
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want to be confident to talk and express my abilities.
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I know I have a lot to offer, but I just stumble over my words when I'm nervous and
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always feel stuck when I start a conversation with people I work with.
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I want to talk and interact, but I always fail".
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So first of all, Nadia, I wanted to thank you for sharing this with me.
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I know it's not easy to be vulnerable and to express these emotions, but I think
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it's so valuable because it can actually help so many other people.
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In fact, the same week I received this message, I received two other messages
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- one on Facebook, one an email - sharing exactly the same struggle.
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Which means what you're sharing and what you're experiencing, many other non-native
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speakers share and experience the very same struggles.
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I'm not saying this to undermine or belittle your experience, not at all.
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I'm saying this to show you that if a lot of other people experience the same thing,
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then these are just patterns, human patterns,
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which we can resolve with the right tools.
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So what you're experiencing is the fear of authority.
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You get anxious and nervous around people who are ranked higher than you.
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So for example, you mentioned your director, your boss, who is constantly
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looking at your performance.
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And according to that, deciding whether or not you're a good fit for the company.
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But you also mentioned fear and anxiety around native speakers.
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When it comes to non-native speakers, it can also be the authoritative voice of the
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native speaker.
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Now, let me explain.
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When we learn a second language, we always try to reach a certain level, the level of
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the native speaker, right?
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And that level is so high up, so people at that level seem to us intimidating and
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perform as the authority.
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As if the language belongs to them, and anything that is less than what they do is
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just not good enough.
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And all you need to do all your life is to reach that level.
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Now, this experience and this perception is very, very inhibiting.
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So, the native speaker was born into the language.
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That's just circumstances.
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You learn the language, you learn it as a second language, which means that you're
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going to have an accent and a few mistakes, but that's just about it.
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It doesn't change who you are, what you have to say, how smart you are, how
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intelligent you are, how creative you are, has nothing to do with that.
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It's just limiting your form of expression, but it doesn't limit your
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presence and it shouldn't limit what you bring to the table.
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And you know what?
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In fact, most native speakers don't even see it as if they're better than you in English.
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They just recognize that you speak another language, which is amazing.
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I mean, most native speakers of English don't even speak a second language.
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So it is something admirable.
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And I'm saying most native speakers, because yes, there are some native
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speakers who feel entitled and believe that the way they speak English is the
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only way to speak English.
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And if you want proof, you can just look at some of the comments below my videos.
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"Why are you teaching people how to speak incorrectly?"
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"Oh, Americans, why do you butcher the language so?"
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"Wow, you advise your students to mispronounce the word just because
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'even native speakers do that'?".
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But I really don't care [whispering].
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So today I'm going to give you a few tips that will help you overcome this anxiety,
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and that will stop letting English be an obstacle on your way to achieving your goals.
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Now, the first thing you need to do is to change the record in your head.
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The last sentence you wrote to me is, "I want to talk and interact, but I always fail".
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Now, when you have these thoughts about yourself and beliefs about yourself, this
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is going to be your reality.
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When you go into a conversation knowing that you're going to fail, you will fail,
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okay?
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Besides, what is fail, anyway?
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So when you think that you're failing in a conversation, what, are you spilling water
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all over the other person?
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Do you keep stepping on their foot?
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Do you spit all over their face when you speak?
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I mean, I guess this would be considered as a failed conversation.
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But feeling a little awkward, feeling nervous, maybe not finding the right
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words, getting stuck a little bit - that's not failing in a conversation.
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That's just going through a conversation.
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It happens to native speakers as well.
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What do you think, native speakers don't experience anxiety around other people?
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Maybe that they don't know how to talk to or they don't know what to say?
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Introverts that feel just shy and awkward when they speak to other people?
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I mean, come on.
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This is something that we all experience as humans.
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It's not about your English.
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I mean, I don't believe that you are failing in a conversation.
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That's how you see it.
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I'm sure that your conversation partners, your colleagues,
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your friends don't see it the same way.
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I'm sure that you don't feel the same way when you speak to other non-native speakers.
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I'm sure that with close friends, you feel a lot more comfortable and expressive, so
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it's not about the English.
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Don't use English as an excuse to stop yourself from putting yourself out there
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and getting into a conversation.
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Now, when you say to yourself that you're a failure, you will feel like a failure,
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no matter what objectively happens in the situation.
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Because thoughts create feelings.
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So, instead, what I'm suggesting is the change the record in your head.
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And instead of saying, "I'm a failure", start saying, "I'm smart, I'm interesting,
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I have a lot to say, and I'm an awesome conversationalist".
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"I'm smart, I'm interesting, I have a lot to say,
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and I'm an awesome conversationalist".
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Because once you start thinking it, even if it's artificial, even if you force
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yourself, even if you cringe when you hear that and you're like, "No, no, that's not true",
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you will start believing in it.
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Cause that's just how we work.
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And if you don't believe me, just give it a try.
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You start thinking those bad thoughts, you turn them around and you start inserting
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to your brain the good thoughts.
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So when you let the fear of people judging you and ridiculing you, and probably it
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doesn't even happen, it's all in your head, but that doesn't matter.
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Let's say that you really think these bad things about you, so you are choosing
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their judgment over you.
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So that means that everything you have to say and share and impact the world and
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share your gifts with the world, and all of these things don't matter cause they're
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not as important as what they think about your freaking accent.
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Okay?
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Yeah. Because that really is more important than changing things in the company, in, in, in
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people's minds, in the team, right?
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You know, 50 years from today when you're going to look back at your life, you are
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not going to remember those things that you were afraid of, what they're gonna
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think about you.
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You're not even gonna remember their names.
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But what you will remember is every choice that you've made, the path that you took,
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the people you've impacted.
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Remember that having a foreign accent is not a bad thing.
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You should cherish it and acknowledge it.
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What you bring to the table as a non-native speaker makes you unique and
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special, right?
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The challenges that you faced - moving to a different country, starting over
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learning a new language, finding yourself, succeeding, reaching the place that you've
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reached - that's what makes you so qualified to handle other situations.
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So, that obstacle that you think you have or that disadvantage is actually your advantage.
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Because you know things about the world, about people, about struggles that other
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people don't, which makes you super qualified and competent to do any job that you want.
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So instead of thinking of your accent and your English, that is an English of a
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non-native speaker as a source of shame, wear it proudly.
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Acknowledge your journey and your worth.
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Now, while you need to work on your mindset, first and foremost, here are a
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few things that you can do starting of today, that will help you feel more
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prepared and confident when you speak English.
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The first thing is always come over prepared.
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Even if it's a simple meeting, even if it's a conversation with colleagues over dinner.
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Think about the things that you want to talk about.
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Say them out loud maybe a few times.
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If you feel that you get stuck somewhere, then look for the word and say it again
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over and over again.
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If you need to share a new idea, then say it to yourself out loud a few times, until
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you get comfortable with your voice, with how you sound.
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With how you sound seeing this specific thing, then you can tweak it, you know.
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Sometimes when I try to explain a complex idea, I have to say it like five- six
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times until I know how exactly I want to say it.
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So I believe that it's not enough to think about it.
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It's not even enough to write it.
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You have to say it out loud a few times, especially if it's an important meeting or an interview.
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So always come really, really prepared.
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With bullet points, with clarity about what you're going to say.
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And if it's a complex argument or idea or opinion, then even structure it for yourself.
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And of course, say it out loud many, many times.
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Always come focused and concentrated, right?
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When we are preoccupied, when we're distracted, it definitely affects our English.
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So know that if this is a situation where you feel completely confused and tired,
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then maybe it's not a good time to go into a conversation.
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And if you have to go into the conversation or the meeting, then maybe
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meditate or sit with yourself for a few minutes before you go into a conversation
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and bring in all the baggage with you.
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Remember that the more you do it, the better you become at it.
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The things that are terrifying right now, are not going to be that scary when you
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actually do it every single day, a few times a day on a regular basis.
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So if you need to ask someone something and you can write them an email, but you
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can also walk to their desk and ask them, go and ask the question, okay?
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If you see a bunch of people gathering around and you're like, your first
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instinct is to go the other direction, go into that group of people and put yourself
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out there and start having conversation.
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Remember that it's all about the other people.
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It's not about you and they're not looking to see you fail, okay?
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They just want to connect and they just want to talk and pass a few minutes
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between emails.
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Now, if you objectively struggle with clarity because you feel that people just
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don't understand you, or if you struggle and feel self-conscious about certain
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sounds, let's say the R, and you find yourself avoiding words, avoiding using
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words that have the R sound, then there is a problem.
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And then you can resolve it.
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All you need to do is decide that you're focusing on that one element of your
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speech because you know you can improve that.
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So, for example, if the R is a struggle, then make a point of blocking out time,
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learning how to pronounce it correctly, drilling a lot of words, practicing it,
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recording yourself.
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I mean, I have tons of videos explaining how to improve your pronunciation.
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You can just go ahead and learn from that.
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But you need to commit that you are going to improve that, and you're going to
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invest time and energy in doing that.
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Because once you get that out of the way, it will boost your confidence and your clarity. Okay.
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And ultimately that's what we want.
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So of course, most of the work is on your mindset and how you perceive yourself, but
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you can actually do some specific things to help you feel better about how you sound.
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Okay. That's it.
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Nadia, thank you so much for sharing with me this question.
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I'm sure that a lot of people benefited from it.
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And actually, you know, share it with us now, everyone out there.
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Have you ever struggled with anxiety or this feeling of being a failure when
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interacting with native speakers?
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And if you have, what have you done to overcome this anxiety or to overcome the struggle?
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Okay?
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What are the tactics and tips and tricks that you use in order to become a more
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confident and fluent speaker?
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Okay. That's it.
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Thank you so much for staying till the end.
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If you enjoy this video, consider subscribing and share it with your friends
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and colleagues and family, so we can all benefit from confident English.
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Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next week in the next video.
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Bye.
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