How to Deal with Criticism in English

20,823 views ・ 2021-11-09

Accent's Way English with Hadar


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

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Hey everyone, it's Hadar.
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Thank you so much for joining me.
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Today I want to talk about receiving criticism.
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Criticism is one of the hardest things to handle.
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Because we want to be liked, we want to be accepted.
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We want to be loved.
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We want to please people.
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And we don't like to feel like we are not good enough.
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And usually, when we receive criticism - and it doesn't matter if there is a
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source of truth in it or not - a lot of times it hits us deep in a place
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that sort of confirms our preconceived notion of us not being good enough.
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Now I'm not saying that it is true.
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This is a psychological pattern that hits most of the population
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called the impostor syndrome.
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In fact, I talk a lot about the imposter syndrome on my podcast, and
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I'm going to link to the episode below if you want to hear more about that.
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So when we receive criticism, instead of just objectively considering it and
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thinking whether or not it's right or what can you learn from it, it immediately
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confirms our deepest fears and thoughts and feelings about not being good enough.
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And especially when it comes to English, we're feeling like anyway our English
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is not good enough cause we always compare it to our native language.
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And of course, it's not going to feel good enough if you compare
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it to your first language.
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Because you know, for most people, the first language is, you know,
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so deeply rooted in them, and it's a part of their personality and
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being that the second language will never be able to live up to it.
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And that is okay.
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We don't need it to be, we need to create new space for the second language,
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and appreciate it for what it is.
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Now, I decided to make this video because a few days ago one of my students
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shared something that happened to her.
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And I wanted to share it with you, and what I said to her, one piece of advice.
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I said a lot of things, but one thing that I said to her and to
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other students, and I think a really great way to handle such situations.
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So, what happened was that she received a comment from a native speaker, telling
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her that based on the amount of work that she's investing in her English and
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the time she has lived in the US, she should sound or speak better by now.
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First of all, I categorize it as microaggression and a mild case
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of discrimination and even racism.
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Because, you know, when you don't understand someone's journey and where
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they come from, and you compare them to yourself - where you are the person
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in power and you have the privilege of being born into English - and
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you expect something from someone without having the experience of
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having it yourself, I think it's very much detached and discriminatory.
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Because you don't understand that people have different experiences,
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different sounds, different Englishes, different colors, different
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backgrounds, different cultures.
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Not everyone is like you and not everyone needs to be and sound like you.
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So that comment is irrelevant and insensitive.
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And again, people with privilege don't know what it's like for people to learn a
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second language, and to immerse themselves in a culture and in a language and in
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a country that they weren't born into.
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So let's begin with the fact that if you haven't mastered a second language
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and you're able to speak fluently in that language and clearly, you have
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no right to criticize or comment on someone else's accent, pronunciation,
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fluency, or level of English or whatever language they're speaking.
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Now, let's assume it happens.
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Because there are insensitive, entitled, rude people who will always have something
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to say about other people's performance, especially people who they feel are not
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as good as they are in certain areas.
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Like what happened with my student and many other students of mine.
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All right?
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So this is not an invented situation.
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Let's assume this happens.
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We can't control other people's actions, but we can control our reaction, our
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emotional response, and our interpretation of what it is that they're saying.
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Here's the problem with criticism and imposter syndrome.
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When someone says something negative about something that you are so afraid
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of and you believe that about yourself, what will end up happening is that
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you will use it as a confirmation to prove to yourself that what you think
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about yourself, your inner critic, the darkest part in you, is true.
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Instead of saying, "That's not true" or "That's impossible" or "What is she
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talking about?", you will say, "Oh, here.
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This is proof that I'm not good enough, that my pronunciation is not good
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enough, that I shouldn't be living here, or I don't deserve to live here
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or to speak, and I don't belong."
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So, one, you need to remember that how you respond to it is very much subjective.
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And you can respond to it different.
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So what I would encourage you to do is to decide that you have, one - your
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inner critic that will agree with, you know, feedback and criticism,
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negative feedback and criticism, unhelpful feedback and criticism.
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But don't forget that inside of you, you also have your
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guardian, or your supporter.
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And your guardian is going to do whatever is possible in their power to protect you.
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You can also think of it as your protector.
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And when something happens that challenges you, you can choose who you want to hear
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their voice - your inner critic that will agree with it, or your guardian
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that will deflect it and fight it.
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And it's up to you.
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Because again, we can't change them, and it's not our job to change them,
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they need to do their own work.
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But it's your job to decide how you are going to respond to things, so
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that you will keep on the right track and the right path to success, and not
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deviate from it or stop or regress.
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Because here's the thing.
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When you receive feedback and you say, "Yes, it's true", and you
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internalize it and you feel bad about it, you're actually agreeing with it.
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But how about this?
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Let's assume someone says, "How long have you lived here?
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Four years?
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Oh, your English should be better by now."
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Or, "Based on all the hard work that you're doing, I don't know why you don't
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sound like a native speaker just yet."
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So, option one: "That is so true.
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I can't believe it."
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And then from that feeling, you will feel defeated and you would want to quit.
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Instead, what if you fight back, and what if you deflect that criticism?
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And what if you let your guardians step up and do the work?
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And instead of saying, "Yes, you're right", say, "Who do you
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think you are telling me this?
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You have no right commenting on my English.
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My English is none of business."
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So, that way, instead of internalizing it, you're fighting it.
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Instead of agreeing with it, you're rejecting it.
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Instead of letting it stop you or hold you back, you're using it as fuel to
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motivate you to do it despite or they think, to prove them wrong, to prove
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to yourself that you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to.
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And that you are good enough, wherever you're at.
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Your English is good enough.
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This is the job of your guardian that is inside of you.
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You just need to give it more space, instead of giving more
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space to the inner critic.
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That is the best way to deflect criticism.
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And I'm not saying that you have to respond on the spot, but you
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could, like saying something like, "Oh, tell me how you did it.
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What other language do you speak, remind me?
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How did you do it that you got so fluent in...
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what was that?
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What's the second language that you're learning?
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I'd be happy to learn from you."
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Okay.
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Usually, and this is why I'm saying that this is a legit response,
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people who comment on your English and criticize your English - they
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have no idea what it's like.
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Otherwise, they wouldn't be criticizing.
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Now, yes, I know.
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You might say, "No, but fellow non-native speakers might say that",
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or "People from my own country, they always criticize each other."
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I know that sometimes this is a trend.
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And here I would categorize it as 'people who gain power by
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making other people feel crappy'.
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But again, the response should be the same.
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Who do you think you are?
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Who are you to tell me how I'm supposed or not supposed to sound like?
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Who are you to tell me who do I need to sound like?
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Become a fighter.
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Reject, deflect, and move forward.
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And that is my advice to you on how to deal with criticism and
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comments about your English.
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What is your piece of advice for people who struggle with criticism,
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who get comments on their English or pronunciation or intonation or a voice?
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So I would love to hear from you.
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Put it in the comments and give us more ideas as to ways to deal with
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it mentally, technically, if you have specific sentences that you say to people.
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Because I think we can definitely all learn from each other.
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When it comes to me, and you know I often get criticism, I have learned
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to deflect that and to reject that.
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And I usually make a joke about the comment, this is my way of handling it.
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I use humor because I have already taught myself to or trained myself to use the
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'who do you think you are?' pattern, thinking pattern, whenever I get feedback.
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And no matter who that person is, right?
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Native speakers, not native speakers, teachers, non-teachers - I don't care.
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You can't tell me how I should sound or what I should sound like.
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And I hope that you got that from this episode.
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All right.
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So thank you so, so much.
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And I hope that discussion in the comments is going to be fruitful.
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And as I said, I've added a bunch of useful videos in links to my
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podcast and other YouTube videos where I talk about similar things.
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So, if you want to build up your confidence and your resilience as an
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English speaker as a second language, then make sure to check those out.
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And if you haven't subscribed to my channel just yet,
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what are you waiting for?
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Click 'subscribe' and hit the bell to get notifications
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whenever I release a new video.
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Thank you so much for being here.
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And I'll catch you next time.
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