Small Talk Success: A Simple Trick to Go From Awkward 😬 To Brilliant 😎

43,673 views ・ 2020-06-16

Accent's Way English with Hadar


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

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Let's talk about small talk.
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If you're the kind of person who starts sweating, as soon as the Zoom call starts
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and not everyone has joined just yet, and you need to make a little bit of a
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conversation and that stresses you out.
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"So, Jane, my manager, will join us in a sec.
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Okay?"
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Or if you are at an event, and the moment they give you a break, you run outside to
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buy coffee, trying not to bump into anyone so you wouldn't have to talk to them.
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Then this, my friend, is for you.
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Before you even begin let me know in the comments below, how
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do you feel about small talk?
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So, let's use a scale.
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Put a number between 1 to 10 in the comments, where 1 is 'I hate small talk.
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It's horrible.
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It's a horrible experience for me'.
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And 10 is 'I'm a small talk master.
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Yeah, baby!' So, let me know, put your number down, and let's
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get started with the video.
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If you are new to my channel, welcome!
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And this is a place for you if you want to speak English with
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confidence, fluency, and freedom.
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And if you like this video, consider subscribing.
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Back to small talk.
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Now, why is small talk so freaking scary?
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As a speaker of English as a second language, you probably experience
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some sort of self judgment anyway when speaking English, and that has to do
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with the fact that you simply don't feel like you can express yourself in
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English the same way you can express yourself in your native language.
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And you feel that gap when communicating with people, especially with new people.
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When there is this new interaction with another human being, we are afraid of
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being judged and we want to be okay.
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And sometimes you don't know exactly what to say and how to interact, and
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we're afraid of those silent moments.
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And we're afraid of making mistakes, and that people are not going to get who we
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are because we wouldn't be able to express ourselves fully because of English.
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Now, even native speakers, or even small talk in your native
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language might be intimidating.
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So, I believe that it's that initial interaction that we know is
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important and we have to do it, but we don't know exactly how to do it
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successfully, especially if you're an introvert and all you want to
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do is just speak to your computer.
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"I just felt so incredibly alone.
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You were right there next to me.
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And you didn't say a word.
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Nothing!"
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Also, in American English and American culture, small talk is really valued.
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And for people who don't share the same cultural values, it might seem
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a little weird to talk about the weather or the commute when we're
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here to talk about something else.
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And if you don't share the same culture, small talk might come across as a burden.
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Not necessarily because of English, but because you don't see the point in it.
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So when we want to talk about small talk and how to become better at
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small talk, it's important to discuss it within the cultural context.
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In American culture, small talk, which is this informal back and forth conversation
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about something that is not related to anything specific, especially if you're
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about to start a meeting, so it's not related to the content of the meeting,
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is really important to establish trust and to start building a relationship.
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And this is why it is important to understand how to manage it and
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how to master it even if you don't passionately feel that it's important
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for connection and communication.
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Now, if you are afraid speaking English, then let me tell you this.
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When you interact with someone, be it a native speaker or a non
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native speaker, people are usually not obsessed or they usually don't
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pay attention with what you say.
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Especially when you're first meeting with them and you're
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having this initial interaction.
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Because people want to have a healthy conversation and usually, what
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they're concerned about is themselves.
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So, usually, what goes inside a person's head is not.
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"Ooh, they used 'have worked' instead of 'worked', but "Okay.
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So what can I answer her or him so the conversation will
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keep on flowing and rolling?"
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Now, if you want to become more successful at small talk, then here are
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a few tips that are definitely going to help you do that as of this moment.
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The one thing that has incredibly helped me overcome my fear of small talk was
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to make it about the other person.
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This is the best advice that I can give you.
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It is not about you.
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Again, it is not about your mistakes, it is not about your English, it
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is not about how smart you are.
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It is about the other person.
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And the one value that will keep you in the right direction is curiosity.
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Be genuinely curious about the other person.
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A lot of times people think that 'Ooh, smalltalk is so
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superficial and artificial'.
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Not, if you make it about them, and not if you're genuinely
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curious about the other person.
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And in a second, I'm going to give you a few tips on how exactly to do
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that, and a few very technical, simple tips that you are going to love.
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I guarantee.
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So first of all, when you make it about the other person, you have less
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self judgment, which is very freeing.
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And when you have less self judgment than your more fluent.
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Because judgment takes up a lot of space in our head.
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And that prevents the words from becoming available and clear.
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And everything is less smooth and more stuck, which we don't want.
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So let go of self judgment, make it about them.
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Also, approach the other person with respect, respect for their privacy.
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So no weird questions like "How much do you make?"
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or "How much rent do you pay here?"
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Or "Do you have any kids?"
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And yes, when people come from a culture where family is one of the
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cultural values, it sounds strange not to talk about family or, or children.
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But in some cultures it is less appropriate.
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People are more personal, individual, and they don't want to talk about
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whether or not they have kids, and maybe justify their choice
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whether or not to have kids at all.
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Right?
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This is not a good topic or a great situation to be in when you
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are just introduced to someone.
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And also, I would avoid controversial topics: religion, politics, sex.
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Like, keep it for later, okay?
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I'm all about talking about controversial topics, especially
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politics, but not at the beginning.
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Because you don't know who the other person is, you don't know they might get
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offended by something that you may say.
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So you want to be respectful of their privacy and have their
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freedom to lead the conversation.
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Now, let's get practical with a few tips on what you can do to make your
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conversation very, very successful.
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First, be the leader of the conversation rather than the follower.
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When you lead the conversation, you have more confidence and your entire
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goal is to get the other person to talk.
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Again, making it about them.
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And how do you do that?
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By asking simple questions that have an open answer.
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So try to avoid yes/no questions.
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"Was your flight here okay?
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Aha.
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Great".
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But instead, ask open questions that are simple.
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"So is this your first time here?
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No, actually I've been here before."
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And then you have an opportunity to ask a follow-up question.
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You get an answer that is more than just yes or no.
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And then you ask something, you take one word or an idea that was presented in the
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answer, and you ask a question about that.
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"Oh, cool!
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And how do you like it?
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I love it.
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I mean, the beaches here are beautiful".
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Again, an opportunity to take the answer and turn it into a question.
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"Oh, really?
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See I haven't been to the beaches here just yet.
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Which one's your favorite?"
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So I'm responding and coming up with a follow-up question.
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Now, if you get asked a question, even if you get asked a yes/no question,
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and that is because they haven't watched my video, then you might
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want to elaborate a little more.
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For example: "Was your flight here okay?
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Yeah, actually it was pretty good.
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I mean, they haven't lost my luggage, which is what they did last time.
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So, I think it was okay."
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Right?
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So, even if you get asked a question that you can answer with a simple yes
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or no, try to make it interesting and turn it into another conversation topic.
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If the person in front of you is sensitive, they will take what you
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said and continue the conversation, asking a question about that.
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One more trick that I'm going to share with you is something that I've learned
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from Chris Voss, from his masterclass 'Teaching the art of negotiation'.
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Now, he talks about it in the context of negotiation, but I find it exceptionally
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useful when used in small talk.
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The first thing is mirroring.
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Mirroring is basically the act of you taking the last part of what
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the other person has just said and repeating it in a form of a question.
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For example.
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"So is this your first time here?
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No, actually I've been here before.
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You've been here before?"
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See what I did?
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I took the last part and turned it into a question.
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"Yeah, I was at another conference about three years ago.
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Another conference?
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Yeah.
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It was a conference for female football fans.
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And we discussed the misogyny that women experience in the industry.
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In the industry?"
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Well, you see where this is going.
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So the cool thing about it is that the other person usually doesn't notice it
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because it's part of the conversation.
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So you didn't have to come up with anything here.
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You didn't have to think of new words or what questions to ask.
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You simply take the last part and turn them into a question.
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The other person is going to think that you're super interesting,
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compassionate, and they're going to want to keep on talking to you.
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Another thing that Chris Voss discusses is labeling.
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Labeling is naming an emotion that someone in front of you is experiencing.
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And the reason why he says it's important to do that is because when
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you label a negative emotion, it automatically reduces the levels of
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stress simply by naming the emotion that the other person is experiencing.
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Now, to label an emotion is basically to say "It seems to
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me that you're very upset."
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"It feels like you're really frustrated".
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He is not suggesting that you should say something like "You are frustrated"
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or "You are upset" or "You are angry", but the way you experience it: "it
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seems to me...", "it feels that..."
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Okay.
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Now, instead of labeling an emotion, cause this was probably something that
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you wouldn't want to do in a conversation.
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Oh my God.
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I love how sunny it is.
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It seems to me that the sun triggers some negative emotions, maybe something
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that had to do with your childhood..."
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Unless it's a positive emotion: "you seem very happy to be here".
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Right?
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But you could say something about the other person.
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For example, going back to the original conversation.
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"So is this your first time here?
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No, actually, I've been here before.
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Oh, cool.
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And how do you like it?
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I love it.
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I mean, the beaches here are beautiful.
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Oh, really?
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See I haven't been to the beaches here just yet.
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Which one's your favorite?
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You got to go check out the Southern shore.
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I mean, it is so beautiful, and usually there is no one there.
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Okay, maybe I'll check it out.
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It seems to me like you're a summer person".
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So I put a label on this person's experience.
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Now, whether I'm right or not, it doesn't really matter.
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As long as they keep it positive and fun, it will encourage the other
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person to speak a little bit more and to get into the conversation.
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Whether it would be, "I'm a totally summer person.
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I mean, for me, vacation is lying on the beach, drinking margaritas".
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Or "No, no, no, no, no.
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I'm a winter person.
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I mean, I was born in Alaska, right.
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For me, snow is life."
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Again, a trigger to continue the conversation.
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Okay.
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That's it for today.
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I mean, there's plenty more we can talk about, but for now I think
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that is more than enough for you to get started and start having these
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awesome conversations out there.
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Now, I have two questions for you and I'd love for you to answer them in the
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comments so we can start a conversation.
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The first is, what has helped you so far in small talk and informal conversations?
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If you had to overcome a challenge, share it with us, and share
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with us what has helped you.
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And the second one, what is one thing that you're going
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to take from this conversation and put it to use as of today?
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If you liked this video, and you'd like to learn more and understand how
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you too can become confident and clear when speaking English, I invite you
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to come on over to my website because it has a lot of great resources for
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you for free that you can put to use.
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It's very practical and it will help you get results immediately.
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Also, come on over to Instagram because that's where I get more personal and share
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with you stuff that I only share there.
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Have a beautiful, beautiful week, and I will see you next week in the next video.
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Bye.
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