Uncomfortable Questions and How You Should Deal with Them in English

Hi, my name is Anne Marie with Speak Confident English and this week we are

going to talk about those questions like: so why aren't you married yet? And why

don't you have any kids? What happened with your divorce? Or so why did you

leave your country? If you've ever had to deal with an uncomfortable awkward or

intrusive question, then in today's video we're going to talk about how to deal

with those questions politely in English.

One of the biggest difficulties when speaking another language is how to

answer or deal with uncomfortable questions. Now honestly when someone asks

you a question that really isn't polite or appropriate, they know it. They know

that it's nosy and that they shouldn't ask it. In fact, in English we often use

phrases like I know I shouldn't ask this but... I know I shouldn't ask this but why

don't you have kids? Or I hope you don't mind me asking... I hope you don't mind me

asking but what happened in your divorce? If you hear someone using those phrases

they know they're asking a question that isn't polite. The challenge is how do you

respond and this is why it's difficult. In your native language you totally know

what to say. You could make some kind of joke or say something like: hey that's

none of your business! Which we do say in English. But when you're doing it in a

second language you're not so comfortable about making the jokes and

you might feel really embarrassed in the situation, you're surprised by the

question and honestly you just don't know what to do. You want to change the

topic or answer the right away but it doesn't make you feel

comfortable. But in today's Confident English lesson you'll have several

strategies that you can use to politely and kindly deal with those questions in

a way where both of you can leave the conversation and feel happy or you can

continue the conversation on a totally different subject. But first there's one

thing you need to know and that is you don't have to answer an uncomfortable or

awkward question! If someone asks you something and you don't feel very good

about it, you don't have to answer it. So let's

talk about some ways that you can deal with that situation. Strategy number one

play at their own game. Now I only recommend this strategy if

you're talking to someone that you know well and you see them regularly and you

can control your intonation in English. Now if you need practice with intonation

I actually have a fantastic lesson on that and I'll be sure to include a link

at the bottom of this lesson below the video but when you play at their own

game you are repeating a really difficult or uncomfortable question back

to them and you might say something like well how much do you weigh or before I

answer that question you tell me why don't you have kids. But to do that

correctly, you need to make sure that your intonation doesn't sound angry or

upset. You want it to be a little bit playful and light. So again you need to

be in control of that intonation and I recommend that it's with someone that

you see regularly or you know well—maybe it's a neighbor or someone that you work

with. Now if you're not comfortable playing with the language and asking an

inappropriate or uncomfortable question back, then here are four other strategies

that are really simple and polite to use. First simply address it politely and you

can say something like: I'm sorry I really don't want to answer that.

You know I'd rather not talk about that or you know I'd

rather not talk about that here maybe we can go to lunch sometime and talk about

it. Sorry can we talk about something else:

And finally, I'm not really comfortable answering that. All of those examples are

perfectly polite and it's a great response to an uncomfortable question

and then you can immediately end the conversation if you want or ask a

different question and change the subject. Now number two: you could be much

more direct and this might be better if someone asks a particularly nosy or

intrusive question, something that really isn't appropriate. For example: That's

really personal I'm not going to answer that. Or that question makes me really

uncomfortable I'm not answering it. I'm gonna pretend you didn't just ask me

that. Where I come from I was taught not to ask those kinds of questions. As I

said, those are much more direct but it does let the person know that what they

asked wasn't okay and again you don't have to answer it if you don't want to.

Now let's imagine that someone continues to ask you this uncomfortable question

they won't let you say no, they won't let you push the question away, then it might

be appropriate to call them out. In other words you are directly letting them know

that what they are doing is not okay. For example: I can't believe you're asking me

that. It's really not appropriate. It's not okay to ask that kind of question.

That's a really rude question. Or finally, you could even just ask them why they

need to know—why do you need to know that? Why are you asking me? And the truth

is, there isn't a reason why. They don't need to know. The final strategy you can

use is to brush it off like a joke. You can laugh a little bit make a joke

out of it and then continue the conversation without answering the

question. This strategy again is all about your

intonation so if you remember that very first strategy where we talked about

asking an inappropriate question back, just like that we really need to control

your intonation. You want your voice to be light and friendly, polite as you make

a joke and then move on to a new topic. Some common phrases that we use to make

a joke out of inappropriate questions are things like: That's for me to know

and you to find out. Why don't I just give you my diary? My lips are sealed, my

lips are sealed. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave you

in suspense on that one forever. Now in today's video I've given you those five

strategies of how to deal with uncomfortable questions and I shared

with you some of the common expressions and phrases that native speakers say,

things that I say when someone asks me a question I don't want to answer but the

truth is there are so many options and in the online lesson today I've included

many more examples, so I recommend that you go to the online lesson and review

those other examples. The best way to really get comfortable and be prepared

for how to deal with an uncomfortable question is to review the online lesson

and find one or two phrases that are easy for you to remember and that you're

comfortable saying. Practice saying them out loud so that when that happens in

your real life—hopefully it never does but if it does, if you have a nosy

neighbor or a colleague at work that gets a little too personal—you know

exactly how to deal with it in a polite and kind way so you both end the

conversation happily. Now as always I do have a couple of challenge questions

for you and I would love to hear from you on these topics: number one have you

ever had a situation in English where someone asked you an inappropriate

question? If so what did you do about it did you use a strategy like what we

talked about today or maybe you had another strategy that

you've used. I would love to hear about it and you might have an experience that

can help someone else. The best way to share with me and with the Confident English Community is in

the comment section of the online lesson. The second question I have for you is

what is one expression or phrase that was new for you today in this lesson? Now

if you enjoyed today's lesson, don't forget to give it a thumbs up on YouTube

and share it with friends or colleagues on Facebook. Thank you so much for

joining me and I look forward to seeing you next time for your Confident English

lesson.