RESPECT – How to give it, how to get it

When you are speaking English, I know for some of you, or maybe a lot of you, and even if you're a

native English speaker, we have anxiety when speaking because we don't think we'll be taken

seriously. Now, if you're learning the English language, that might be because you're embarrassed

because you don't think your English is good enough, or maybe you think you have too strong

an accent. Yes? So, this lesson is going to teach you how to get respect from someone else, so even

if you're making these mistakes, or what you consider mistakes, I don't think they're mistakes,

you will feel comfortable because there will be a level of respect, so you continue the

communication. In today's lesson, I'm going to teach you six ways to start off in a conversation

that will get you respect, so even if you don't feel confident about your accent, or you don't

feel confident about your language level, the respect between people will be enough that you

can continue the conversation. Ready? Let's go to the board. So, first one I want to look at with you

is "remember". Now, you'll see it says "remember 3x", and this is my poor attempt, or bad attempt, or try

at creating a brain, so hopefully that looks like a brain, and not look like... doesn't look like Africa

smashed together. So, "remember". Why do I say "remember" and I say it three times?

Well, I want you to remember something very specific, and it's the thing that makes almost

every human being happy, unless their mother is calling them by their first name this way.

It's your name. Mine is James, I don't know what yours is, but when I meet someone, I really like

it, and I think we all do when someone remembers our name. It makes us feel special, or at least

in their line of thought, right? So, they actually think about you, and it's the first step to getting

respect from someone. They have to have you in mind. Now, I have "remember" in three times,

because you need to remember their name, and I'm going to teach you a quick trick to do that,

and the three times is what I want you to do with it. Now, when someone tells you the name,

the first thing you want to do is, as soon as they say it, I want you to look at them,

maybe you look at me right now, and imagine on my head is James, and then you write it,

not with your finger, don't in real life go "James", but imagine writing their name on their

forehead, and look at their face and their name. The reason why we do this is because, well,

everybody says, "I remember names, but I always remember faces." So, put the name on the face.

Now, you look at the face, this name will be written there. It might be odd when you're

staring, reading their name on their head, but it will help you remember, okay? It's a trick.

The only reason we use a trick is to force you to focus so you don't forget the name,

and this is where we come in with the three times. Say the name at the beginning. "Oh,

James? Pleasure to meet you, James." Right? "Oh, your name's James? Pleasure to meet you."

Then, in the middle of the conversation, at least repeat the name. "Wow, that was,

James, that was a really good point you just made." And when you end the conversation,

that way you're showing that you paid attention to something that's very important to them,

and that will start creating, or another word, garnering, that means bringing respect to you,

regardless of the level of your communication, because everybody likes being listened to,

and you just demonstrated you did that. So, number two, shake. I'm not saying shake,

shake, shake, do-do-do-do, shake, shake, shake. Sorry. Disco shirt, I thought I would boogie.

Shake. What's about the shake? Well, the handshake. We've talked about their name,

and these will probably happen about the same time, let's be honest. You're not going to remember

a name until someone says it to you, and that's generally going to be near the handshake.

What's important about the handshake to remember is this. It's a little trick for respect. Funny

enough, if your hand is on top like this, and you're like that, that's what we call dominant.

You're, like, I'm the strong one, I'm the important one. I'm not going to teach you to

do something, I'm going to teach you to flip it this way. This way is what we call submissive,

like, you're the strong one, I'm not the strong one. But the importance is to make someone else

feel comfortable. An important point I should start off with, I want you to go in firm. Firm

means you meet what they do. If they're being strong, you're stronger. If they're weak, don't

be too weak, but don't be overpowering like trying to crush their hand. We've all met that one person

who's like, hi, I'm the man. And you're like, oh, okay, okay, okay, uncle. Why do you have to do

that? But you want to have a good handshake. The trick I want to teach you on the shake for the

respect is make someone feel comfortable, let your hand come slightly underneath, and they will feel

much more comfortable, and they can relax. So you want people to feel relaxed around you. You can

demonstrate authority and strength. But if you are overpowering them, making them feel insecure,

it's hard to get that respect. What you go into is fear. We want respect. And this is acknowledging

that this is an interesting person, and you're open to them. You're not trying to dominate them.

Cool? So we're going to get them to relax by shaking, coming in, same amount of pressure,

but we're going to come in slightly underneath so they can feel, hey, I feel good. I like this guy.

Creating a positive vibe or feeling at the beginning. Now let's go on to number three.

So when we're talking about shaking hands, we make contact, and we offered them some security

by going underneath and letting them feel more confident. That's a great start,

but I want to blow it out of the water, and I want you to make them excited to continue.

So while you're doing that handshake, we're going to look at their eyes. Now I already talked to

you and said you may be feeling insecure, even though you're a very confident individual,

you know, you feel good most of the time. Using your English, especially in new situations,

might make you feel a bit nervous. I want you to look in their eyes, and that's something that's

or other languages, but here's my trick that's going to make them excited to talk to you

as you offer them your hand, okay? Look into their eyes, and I want you to try and figure out what

color they are. So don't just look at their eyes, look into them. Are they green? Are they brown?

Are they kind of golden brown? That kind of interest, a curiosity is going to reflect in

your eyes as you're looking at them. They're going to see a genuine interest as you're offering

your hand and shaking firmly and saying their name. Oh my gosh, this should be illegal,

because you're basically setting up a situation where you're getting this respect by being

actually interested in the individual you're talking to, demonstrating respect by saying

their name and saying, "Hey, you may know more than me. I'm not going to allow you to leave me.

I'm going to give you the respect I think you deserve right away before anything happens." Boom,

okay? So let's go on to the fourth step. So we've started off looking in their eyes,

and we are going to do what? What's the next thing you do when you meet someone

shaking their hands? You generally ask a question. What's your name? Where are you from? Nice weather?

I want you to ask more questions than statements that you make.

Why is this important? Well, I said you start off by asking questions.

That's demonstrating interest in the first place. If you want to continue that interest,

it's best to ask more questions than making statements, because if you're asking questions,

you're learning about the person whom you're speaking to,

but you're also getting information you can use to keep the conversation going.

But the most important part about all of this is you're interested enough

that the other person notices and continues the conversation with you.

A mutual interest creates respect. A lot of us forget that. We think that by telling people how

much we know, we get respect. Like, "I'm this. I do that. I do this. I do that." If you want to get

someone's respect, ask them some questions, and if you're actually listening, you're going to ask

interesting questions that most people never ask them. You could ask them, "Hey,

what is that one thing you've never told anyone but is a secret obsession of yours?"

And they're like, "Oh, man. Blackhawks. I love the cartoon. Always loved it. I've never told

anyone that." Suddenly, they're interested in you. There's a budding interest and respect.

But you have to ask questions. If you just tell them, "Well, I'm an internationally known English

teacher, and I do videos on YouTube, and I do this, and I do that, and I do this,"

you're losing respect because you've, what we call, "shot your load." You've told them

everything about you, and there's nothing to discover, yet they haven't said anything.

Most people's favorite person in the whole wide world is themselves. And if you show interest in

that person by asking questions, trust me, they're going to want to know who it is that's asking

these questions. After they explained a lot of their, if not secrets, just things that they enjoy

doing and whatnot, they want to share. That's where the respect comes in. And this is where

you get to relax because as you're asking those questions, you don't have to speak as much,

so you can relax and you can take in that information. You can use it later on and

create a bond, which is where respect is actually born. So let's go on to point number five, shall

we? Okay, so you've asked your questions to get to know who this person is you're speaking to,

or group of people for that matter. You might have noticed number five is "shh."

Why would I say that? Well, there are two things I want to say. Part of the "shh" is,

don't interrupt. If you ask the question, show respect to get respect, let them answer the

question, even if you think you know the answer. But more importantly, when they finish speaking

or answering the question, this may seem a bit tricky, or some people go, "It's underhanded,

it's sneaky, it's not authentic," meaning they don't think it's real, but it is real. Don't speak

for two to three seconds afterwards. If you ask someone a question and you think they've thought

about it and they're giving you a good answer, take the time to think about it. If your mouth

is moving, you're not thinking, you're not listening. So take a second or two, see what

you've absorbed, because you might not want to say something, you might want to ask another question

to clarify because you weren't sure. Or you can take that two or three seconds to simplify,

not simplify, but to give back what they said in a shorter, more concise way to show that you've

understood before you continue the conversation. Now, if you've listened to what I just said,

you're probably thinking about conversations you've had where you finish speaking and someone

said something immediately after. Do you feel like they actually listened to you,

or they heard your point? And doesn't it bother you when they didn't quite get what you said,

but if they'd only taken three seconds, you think, just to think about what you said?

So this isn't just to be quiet to manipulate, you know, control the situation.

It's telling the person, "I'm actually thinking about what you said."

And one of two things that are going to come out of my mouth next, another question to clarify,

so I understand more, or I'm going to give it back to you to show you that I've understood,

and we can continue the conversation. That, my friend, is an amazing way to create respect

between two people. And as a language learner, it gives you time to actually process,

to listen to what they said, take that time to think, "Did I understand it or not?

And what question do I need to ask to make sure I do?" And trust me, even if you think

your English is low, people will appreciate that because no one likes to have to reiterate or say

again and again, repeat themselves on things that they don't think you listened to in the first

place. Okay? So you're creating an amazing bond of respect by listening, taking the time to think,

and respond with a question if necessary, you need to, or to recap, we call a recap,

to show I listened to what you said and I think you mean this.

Cool? Now, what we're going to do from here is I want to go to number six, points number six.

Why stop? I said wrap up. Wrap up means to finish or end.

Have you ever been at a party where you're the last person there? I mean, I want you to imagine

this, you're standing in the room, everybody's walking out and you're left by yourself.

Unless you're the host, that means you're the person who's at the party, that should never be

you. Stop. End the conversation in what we call a high note. You've been listening to the person,

um, you've been engaging them, you're keeping your eyes on them,

and now the conversation's finished. Don't wait until the end where they have to say,

okay, well, I have to go now. Give them that feedback, as I said, you're going to say, okay,

so you meant this, this, this, that was really incredible, and then you say something near the

end while you're still on a high, listen, that was a brilliant conversation, it's really nice

to meet you, I look forward to talking to you again, and leave. Do it then, you've earned

their respect, and you've earned something that's even more valuable than that.

You've earned their curiosity. When someone's curious about you, they're going to want to

come back and talk to you again. Even if they don't see you for three months, they'll be like,

oh, oh, Jeffrey, you, oh, remember our last conversation?

You won't have to try as hard and you can relax. So now you've done something what I call

bridging. You've taken a conversation, you've created a bond that's based on respect,

and you've created curiosity. So the next time you meet, they will want to talk to you,

or at the very least, they're going to tell other people about this interesting person

they spoke to at this party, yada, yada, yada. If you noticed, you didn't do much talking.

You asked questions, you reiterated back to make sure you understood what they said.

You may ask further questions like, what are they working on? Have they been to this

organization before? Yada, yada, yada, what have you. You've listened, you've demonstrated,

you listened, you ended the conversation before it fell to the ground. And that curiosity will

foster them to talk to other people like, who was that guy I was just talking to?

And they're going to be curious about you, or in their mind, they're going to want to

talk to you again. Respect, my friend, it isn't just a thing of you look up to someone,

the original word for respect, re, means to look back or again. And you want them to think about

you and look back on that conversation again, and think it was good, and want to meet you.

And in doing that, you've created a respect because you're at the same level. They're not

looking down on you, they're thinking of you as an equal, whether your language is high level

or low. And that's all we can ask for. Anyway, what I want to do is give you a little bonus.

So, I'm going to ask you to stick around for the second part, and we're back.

And I promised you a bonus. And what possible bonus could I offer you after I've given you

all this wonderful information about creating respect when you meet someone for the first time?

I'm going to give you the secret key ingredient that makes all of this work.

Sorry, I'm going to use a different marker, because that one's not so good.

If you were talking when I was writing that, you weren't listening.

If you were thinking about a possible response to what I wrote on the board,

you weren't listening. If you were interrupting me right now as I'm speaking, you are not listening.

The key ingredient to make all of this work is to listen. When we're using our eyes,

looking in the eyes, we're not saying anything to them. We're showing curiosity. So, listening

with our eyes by paying attention to what's in front of us. We're asking questions. If I'm asking

a question, then my mouth should be closed so someone can respond. And I listen for three

seconds. That's the time you get to listen to the voice in your head saying, "Did I understand or

don't I understand?" And listen to pay attention to know when the conversation should be over.

Why is this important? I want you to think of one instance in your life where you truly felt

listened to. Can you think of a time? You probably, when you were done, looked at that

person with different eyes. Those are the eyes of respect and appreciation, gratitude. We listen to

our elders. We listen to professionals. We listen to experts because we expect them to know.

And we don't question, we listen. Maybe perhaps afterwards we question.

But at the time we want to take the information in. Give your audience that respect and they will

give you that respect back by listening. That's the key to this and that's the bonus that I'm

going to give you. Homework, because I always give you homework. Your homework is to engage

in one of these conversations every day. And I want you to don't get snobby and say special

and think it's only for business. Next time you're at the coffee shop,

you walk in, walk in, you see a new employee. "Hi, you must be new here. I'm James. What's your

name?" "Sheila." "Oh, great to meet you, Sheila. Say your name." Draw the name on her head. "Okay,

Sheila, it's great to meet you. I usually come in here and I get a coffee. The other guys know me,

Josh and those guys know me. Oh, that's really cool. So, Sheila, how long have you been here

for? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, my order is so and so. Okay, thank you, Sheila. Thank you

very much." You may not shake her hand. If you can, you can do that, but you may not shake her

hand. But make that eye contact. Look into Sheila's eyes. See what color they are. Are they

green? Are they blue? Are they speckled? As you're speaking to her, she will find that you're actually

interested in her, not just usual transaction. "I don't care about you." If you're waiting,

ask some questions. You said how long she's working here. "Oh, you work here? You go to

school? Oh, where do you go to school? Oh, this is your dad's shop?" What have you, right?

When she responds, take two, three seconds, make sure, because you might say something back like,

she said, "I go to school. I go to York University." You go, "Oh, York. Wait,

one, two, three. Oh, York University. That's close to here." It shows you've been paying

attention. End the conversation. When Sheila's next customer comes up, don't be standing there

going, "So anyway, I just live down the street." No, get out. Your time is done. But get there

before the customer comes. Go, "Hey, you have a customer, Sheila. Pleasant. It's a pleasure

talking to you. Talk to you in the future." That person will come back and go, "James,

hi. You're back." And you go, "Whoa." Friends go, "You come here? They know you?" It's like,

"Nah, this is the first time." Try it in every interaction until it becomes natural. And then

any situation in, you'll find that the people will respect you and want to communicate with you.

And that's what we're here for, communication at the end of it, right? You want to become a

better communicator? Excuse me. We become better communicators with greater practice,

and it's easy to do that if we know that the people we're talking to respect us as individuals,

as human beings. And this lesson isn't just about getting respect, so you're powerful,

power moves you could make in the office. It's about giving people the due respect,

sorry, the respect that they are due, and that you should be giving yourself and expect from others.

Cool? Anyway, that's another engVid lesson. And I want you to go to either www.engvid.com

or come to YouTube and make sure you like and subscribe.

Thank you very much, and I will see you in the next one.