Want to Get Ahead at Work? Risk the Awkward Moments | Henna Pryor | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Yanyan Hong

I was in my first job out of college.

我大學畢業後的第一份工作是在

A shiny, prestigious Big Four public accounting firm.

光鮮亮麗聲譽卓越的四大 國際會計師事務所之一。

"Give that work paper to Helen to work on."

「把那份工作文件交給海倫處理。」

"Helen will finish it up and give it back to the client."

「海倫會把它完成， 然後交還給客戶。」

It's my third week in, and the partner kept calling me Helen.

那是我在那裡工作的第三週， 而合夥人一直叫我海倫，

My name is Henna, by the way.

順道一提，我的名字是漢娜。

But because I didn't correct him the first time he said it,

但因為他第一次叫錯時我就沒有 指正他，我覺得時機已經過了。

I felt like that ship had sailed.

To say something now would feel a little risky

若現在才說點什麼，感覺有點冒險，

and a lot awkward.

也非常尷尬。

I wish I could say that was an isolated incident in my career,

但願我能說那只是我職涯中的 個別事件，但我常遇到這種事。

but I've had plenty of those.

我曾經發訊息給工作上的朋友， 用挖苦的方式抱怨一位客戶，

I once texted a snarky complaint about a client to my work friend,

which instead went to the client.

這訊息卻誤傳給了那位客戶。

Recently went to hug someone at work

最近在工作上我要去擁抱某人， 而他卻是要跟我擊拳，

who instead was going in for the fist bump,

結果變成他一拳打在我胸口。

and he ended up punching me in the chest instead.

That was fun.

那很好玩。

But my niece Aria is seven, and interestingly,

我的姪女艾莉亞七歲，有趣的是，

她從來沒有對我說過：

she has never once said to me,

"Henna khala, this is awkward,

「漢娜姨，這好尷尬，

but I can't open my Capri Sun."

我打不開我的果汁飲料。」

Kids don't feel awkward

孩子不會感到尷尬，

因為他們還沒有學會 他們應該要覺得尷尬。

because they haven't yet learned they should feel that way.

I think a lot of us would love to take more risks and feel less awkward.

我想我們有很多人會想要 多冒一點險，減少尷尬感。

So what gives?

所以，是怎樣？

Can we be more like Aria?

我們可以更像艾莉亞嗎？

Research from the Association of Psychological Science discovered

心理科學協會的研究發現，

在青春期初期， 我們的大腦會發生變化，

that it's early adolescence that our brains change,

and we start to internalize social norms

我們會開始將社會規範內化，

and become much more self-conscious.

也會變得更有自我意識。

And as we grow up,

隨著我們長大，難免會有 違反那些規範的時候，

there are inevitably times when we violate those norms,

intentionally or not.

故意的或不是故意的都有。

And we start to notice and remember how that felt,

我們開始注意到並記住 那是怎樣的感覺，

which is usually a little icky.

那感覺通常不是很舒服。

And because we don't love to feel a little icky,

因為我們不喜歡不是很舒服的感覺，

we start to act in ways that avoid that feeling.

我們就開始用能避免 那種感覺的方式行事。

We become conditioned to look for who we are

我們開始習慣透過那些被預期 要遵守的規範來尋找自我。

through the lens of those expected norms.

In other words, who do other people see?

換言之，就是別人 看我時看到的是誰？

更重要的是，他們是否 認可他們看到的這個人？

And more importantly, do they approve of who they see?

And as we continue into our professional lives,

隨著我們繼續邁入我們職業生活， 另一件有趣的事會發生，

another interesting thing happens.

Even though our experience and confidence go up,

儘管我們的經驗和信心都會增加，

so does our deep desire to fit in with those social norms.

我們內心深處想要融入那些 社會規範的渴望也會增加。

And as a result,

因此，

our tolerance for professional risk-taking

我們對職業風險承擔 或任何風險承擔的容忍度

or any risk-taking, absolutely goes down.

絕對會下降。

It goes down for big risks:

對大風險的容忍度會下降：

things like negotiating a new job salary or taking a new job in general.

比如協商新工作的薪酬 或接受新工作。

But it also goes down for small, everyday risks:

但對日常小風險的容忍度也會下降：

things like apologizing for a misdirected, snarky text

比如為了誤傳的挖苦訊息道歉

or correcting someone when they've said your name wrong.

或者在別人叫錯 你的名字時指正他們。

Why is that?

為什麼會這樣？

因為，由於幕後的社會規範，

Because thanks to those social norms behind the scenes,

we start creating an ever-widening gap

我們開始不斷拉開這兩者的 距離，讓間隙越來越大：

between how other people see us:

一邊是別人如何看待我們——

confident,

有信心、

smart, articulate;

聰明、擅長表達；

另一邊則是我們對於我們 認為他們怎麼想的感受：

and how we feel about what we think they see:

nervous, hot mess

緊張、一團亂。

Without realizing it, we start hanging out on this side of the gap.

不知不覺，我們就開始 在間隙的這一邊徘徊。

On this side of the gap, we care a lot about what other people think of us

在這一邊，我們很關心 別人對我們的看法

on preserving our existing gains.

著重保持已有的成就。

"People think you're smart now, Henna.

「漢娜，現在大家認為你很聰明。

這件事之後他們可能 就不會認為你聰明了。」

They may not think you're so smart after this."

That instead of improving,

而我們不是去改進，

instead of leveling up,

不是去提升自己，

instead of playing to win,

不是為了贏而努力，

we play not to lose.

我們反而為了不要輸而努力。

On this side of the gap,

在間隙的這一邊，

we're stuck in an approval mindset.

我們被困在認可心態中。

An approval mindset tap dances on our caveman brain

認可心態會在我們的 原始大腦上跳踢躂舞，

and reminds us that belonging feels better than almost anything else.

提醒我們，歸屬感 幾乎可說是是最好的感覺。

It explains why many of us,

這就解釋了為什麼許多人

at a deep level, are still people pleasers.

在內心深處仍然會想取悅人。

We chase external validation.

我們追求外部的認可。 我們很在意自己看起來如何，

We care a lot about how we look to our leaders, our colleagues,

我們的領導者、同事、主管、 TEDx 觀眾怎麼看待我們。

our direct reports, our TEDx audience.

What are you looking at?

你們在看什麼？

And this brings us back to feeling awkward.

此時就要再回頭來談尷尬的感受。

Feeling awkward is a nudge from our modern brain that says,

感到尷尬就像是我們的現代 大腦輕推了我們一下，說：

“Careful, there’s risk ahead,

「注意，前面有風險，

and other people are watching you."

別人正在看著你。」

That feeling tries to protect us.

那種感覺是在試圖保護我們。

It tells us to zip our lips instead of speaking up.

它叫我們閉上嘴，而不是發聲。

It tells us to just take the offered salary

它叫我們接受對方提出的 薪水，別去協商。

instead of negotiating.

Tells us, Helen isn't such a terrible name for a Pakistani girl, is it?

它告訴我們，就巴基斯坦女孩來說， 海倫並不算很爛的名字，對吧？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Sorry, mom and dad.

爸媽，對不起，

Sometimes, that nudge is a gentle poke.

有時，那輕推只是溫和地戳你一下。

"Stop fidgeting, Henna."

「別再煩躁了，漢娜。」

有時候，那輕推感覺像是猛力撞擊。

Sometimes, that nudge feels like a giant shove.

"Who says you're ready for a TEDx?"

「誰說你準備好做 TEDx 演說了？」

And to be clear, many of us live in a system

讓我說清楚，許多人身處在

that rewards us with raises and promotions and likes

會用加薪、升遷等等 來獎勵我們的系統中，

when someone else approves.

當別人認可時就會獎勵。

An approval mindset isn't all bad.

認可心態並非只有缺點。

In fact, we've picked up some pretty useful skills in an approval mindset.

事實上，我們能從認可心態中 學到一些相當有用的技能。

In an approval mindset, we learn to set the bar high for what we want.

在認可心態中，我們學會 為自己想要什麼設定高標準。

如果我們想得到老闆的讚美 且設立了高的標準，

If we want to set our bar high for earning our bosses praise

or making a client happy or innovating on a new project,

或是讓客戶開心，或是 在新專案計畫中有所創新，

we develop a desire to take action towards that bar.

我們就會發展出慾望， 想要採取行動達到這個標準。

I'm a recovering overachiever,

我是個過度成就者，正在康復中， 一旦別人為我設定目標，

and the minute someone else sets a target for me,

I'm in motion.

我就會動起來。

我不僅會達標，還會超標。

Not only will I hit it, I'll exceed it.

Challenge accepted.

接受挑戰。

And we adapt and change our behavior on our way to that bar.

過程中，我們會根據那標準 來調整和改變我們的行為。

As an executive coach,

身為高階主管的教練， 我會看到我的客戶扭曲自己

I see my clients contort themselves into new ways of behaving

來嘗試新的行為方式，

in order to earn the respect of a new boss

以贏得新老闆的尊重，

or to avoid making waves in a meeting.

或避免在會議中引起風波。

And for 14 years in staffing,

從事人力資源配置工作 十四年，我會看到候選人

I would watch candidates shape-shift in interviews

在面談時「變身」

in order to get the job.

以期能被錄用。

Maybe you've done that too.

也許你也做過這種事。

And if you have,

如果你做過，

I'm with you

我也一樣，

because each and every time,

因為每次這樣做，

you get a piping hot cup of approval at the end.

你最終都會得到一杯熱騰騰的認可。

But even so, you're no puppet.

但即便如此，你也不是傀儡。

Even in an approval mindset, you're in control.

即使在認可心態中， 你也還是有主控權。

You're setting the bar.

你在設定標準。

You're taking action.

你在採取行動。

You're adapting.

你在適應。

But you're doing it for someone else.

但你是為了別人而做。

You're doing it for external reasons.

你是因為外部原因而做。

An approval mindset is when you decide to change

認可心態就是你決定做改變

to meet someone else's expectations.

以滿足別人的期望。

In this mindset, your biggest, beefiest goals come from outside of you.

在這種心態下，你最強大的 目標來自你的外部。

Now, case in point, a 2019 KPMG study found

舉個例子：安侯建業 在 2009 年針對超過兩千名

受過大學教育的女性所做的研究發現

in a survey of over 2,000 college-educated women

如果對她們的團體或公司有益， 她們明顯比較能夠自在地

that they were significantly more comfortable taking risks

that would benefit their group or company

承擔風險，

相對如果是對自己個人有益則不然。

over one that would benefit themselves as individuals.

我相信這個發現。

I believe it.

Telling the partner my name was actually Henna

告訴合夥人我的名字其實是漢娜

was way harder for me than telling the client

對我來說難度還高於告訴客戶 稽核報告會延遲至少兩星期。

that the audit report was going to be delayed by over two weeks.

Correcting him meant his approval of me --

指正他意味著他對我的認可——

Henna, not Helen --

漢娜，不是海倫——

and all that that approval signified

以及那份認可所象徵的一切， 我的工作、我的責任層級，

as far as my job, my level of responsibility

was suddenly at risk.

都突然岌岌可危。

What will he think if I say something now?

如果我現在說話，他會怎麼想？

What if he judges me for not saying something before?

如果他用「我以前怎麼 都不說」來評斷我怎麼辦？

Either choice felt awkward,

兩種選擇感覺都很尷尬，

and both carried huge risks.

且兩者都伴隨著巨大的風險。

Or at least I thought they did.

或者至少我認為是如此。

But what I learned is when it comes to taking a risk in the moment,

但我學到的是，當涉及 要在當下冒險時，

is that we allow our deep desire for other people to approve

我們會讓我們內心深處 渴望別人認可的慾望

outweigh whether we personally improve.

壓過我們個人是否會變得更好。

You see, the more we stay on this side of the gap,

要知道，我們越是 待在間隙的這一邊，

the more that gap widens to a chasm.

間隙就越來越大，成為鴻溝。

The cringe chasm.

尷尬的鴻溝。

A hurdle to overcome on our road to self-improvement.

在我們的自我提升之路上 要克服的障礙。

The bigger the risk,

風險越大，我們非常渴望得到 認可的對象也就越容易看到它，

the more visible it is to others whose approval we so desperately want,

the more awkward it feels.

感覺也就會越尷尬。

And at work, the stakes feel high.

在工作上，賭注感覺很高。

We are taking risks in front of people,

我們在人前冒險，

often with KPIs and success metrics on the line.

賭注通常是 KPI 和成功指標。

It feels like everyone, everywhere is watching us cross the cringe chasm.

感覺好像不論到何處每個人都在 看著我們跨越這尷尬的鴻溝。

So we tell ourselves,

因此，我們告訴自己： 「如果我不把話說出來，

"If I don't say the thing or take the chance,

或者不去冒險，那我就 不用擔心別人是否認可了。

then I don't have to worry about whether anybody else approves.

And bonus,

還有個好處，

I also don't have to acknowledge the possibility

我也不必承認我會跌倒 或摔跤的可能性。」

that I might stumble or fall."

And neither their approval

那麼，他們的認可或其他一切 就都不會被危及到了。

nor anything else is at risk.

And that may be true.

可能沒錯。

But when we stay on this side of the gap,

但，當我們留在間隙的這一邊，

when we avoid all awkwardness,

當我們避開所有的尷尬，

we never truly have a chance to personally improve,

就永遠不會有機會做到自我提升、

to speak up,

表達意見、為自己發聲、

to self-advocate,

to innovate or negotiate or try something new,

去創新或協商或嘗試新事物、

to do the very things that are proven to reduce risk over time.

去做那些已經被證明 隨時間能減少風險的事。

And leaving your potential on the table,

把你的潛力擱置不用，

that's the greatest risk of all.

那才是最大的風險。

若必須指正叫錯我名字的人， 我會覺得很尷尬。

It makes me cringe to have to correct someone about my name.

It makes me cringe even more to imagine walking through life

讓我覺得更尷尬的是想像自己一生

as someone who allows other people to call her the wrong name.

都允許別人叫錯我的名字。

Both of them are a risk.

兩者都是風險。

One, a risk of losing approval.

前者是失去認可的風險。

The other, risk of losing my identity.

後者是失去自我認同風險。

Who I am or who I want to become.

我是誰，或我想成為什麼人。

Which one am I going to take?

我要選哪個？

Which one would you take?

你會選哪個？

Awkwardness is what we feel when we reach this moment of choice.

當我們來到必須要做出選擇的 時刻，我們會感到尷尬。

That feeling tells us we're standing at the edge of the chasm.

那種感覺告訴我們， 我們正站在鴻溝的邊緣。

That feeling tells us it's time to jump.

那種感覺告訴我們， 該是跳的時候了。

And at the edge,

在邊緣上，你也會發現 我所謂的「矮額時刻」。

you're also going to find what I like to call ick moments.

When you're wincing and cringing and going "ick!"

當你皺著眉頭感到尷尬 並說出「矮額」的時刻。

此時，提醒自己， 尷尬之後才會有提升。

Remind yourself that improvement comes after cringe.

Now there are some benefits to an approval mindset, remember,

認可心態仍然有些益處，

and it's not all bad,

別忘了，它並非只有缺點， 它仍然可以讓你

it will get you somewhere in your life, in your career and in your business.

在人生、職涯、事業上 有一定的成就。

But you know what's even more powerful?

但你知道什麼更強大嗎？

When you decide to change to meet your own expectations.

當你決定做出改變， 去滿足自己的期望時。

When your biggest, beefiest goals come from inside of you.

當你最強大的目標來自你的內在時。

Now from a business perspective,

從商業的角度來看，

five separate studies confirm

有五項不同的研究證實 內在動機或內在設定的目標

that internal motivation for internally set goals

leads to greater persistence, higher learning,

會導致更長久的堅持、

更多學習、讓員工更投入、

better employee engagement,

better performance and better retention.

更好的績效，和更高的留任率。

It's the alignment that makes the achievement possible.

正是這種一致性，讓成就成為可能。

It's the alignment that helps you embrace the most awkward situations

正是這種一致性，讓你 能擁抱最尷尬的情況，

and help you cross the cringe chasm.

並協助你跨越尷尬的鴻溝。

And I have good news.

我有好消息。

You already have the skills that you built over in the approval side

你已經擁有了你在認可 這一邊所建立的技能，

to get you to where you want to go.

讓你可以到你想去的地方。

當你處於提升心態時，

When you're in an improvement mindset,

you're still setting the bar for what you want.

你還是在為你所想要的設定標準，

You're still taking action towards that bar.

你仍然在採取行動朝那標準邁進，

You're still adapting.

你仍然在適應。

When you align your own internal motivation

當你讓自己的內部動機 和內在目標一致時，

with your own internal goals,

that's how you cross to the improvement mindset

那就是你跨越鴻溝到達 提升心態並留在那裡的方式。

and stay there.

And here's what's critical about assessing risk.

關於評估風險，重要的是：

If in this moment your self-improvement,

如果在這一刻，你的自我提升，

hell, your self-identity,

或甚至你的自我認同，

is more important to you than their approval,

對你而言比得到他們的認可更重要，

then my friends,

那麼，朋友們，

it is time to jump.

該是跳的時候了。

So what needs to change?

所以，需要做什麼改變？

The only thing that needs to change is whose goals you're pointing to,

唯一需要改變的， 就是你在朝誰的目標努力。

the direction of why you do what you do.

你為什麼做你正在做的事的方向。

Fitness trainers have known this for years.

多年前健身教練就已經知道

If you do the same exercises in the same order,

如果你用相同的順序做相同的運動， 你的身體就會習慣，進展就會停滯。

your bodies get used to it, and you plateau.

That's because routines also reduce our capability to improve.

這是因為慣例也會降低 我們的提升能力。

So to improve,

因此，為了提升，

we change direction of the circuit.

我們得改變迴路的方向。

So now we're going to take all those skills,

所以現在我們要把我們在 認可迴路上建立的技能、肌肉

those muscles we've built over on the approval circuit

and work them in a new, slightly uncomfortable way

用到一種新的、 有點不舒服的方式當中，

這麼一來，我們就可以提升 我們在必要時冒些小險的能力。

so that we can improve our ability to take small risks when we need to.

To condition for awkward.

為適應尷尬做好準備。

And we condition by seeking out strategic micro stressors

而我們的調適方式是尋找

策略性的微小壓力源 和刻意造成的不舒服，

and deliberate discomfort

in the exact places where there's the most room for change.

且是針對最有 改變空間的地方去尋找。

At work, instead of backing away from an uncomfortable conversation,

在工作中，不要遇到 不舒服的談話就退縮，

changing direction might look like naming how awkward it is

改變方向的方式可以是

說出要談這件事有多尷尬，

to have to talk about this, maybe with a little bit of humor.

也許再加點幽默。

Or let’s say you get called on in a meeting

或者，假設你在會議中被點名發言， 而，糟糕，你完全在恍神。

and whoops, you totally zoned out.

Instead of running from the awkwardness,

不要逃避尷尬，

which research actually says backfires

研究發現逃避反而會有反效果， 長期還會讓狀況更尷尬——

and makes things even more awkward long term --

been there, done that --

這種事我幹過了——

maybe you'll try owning it

也許你可以嘗試坦然面對它，就承認

and just admitting that you will recover faster than you think.

你會恢復得比你想像的還快。

The truth is, your internal motivation is always burning inside of you.

事實是，你的內在動機 一直都在你的內在燃燒。

The question is,

問題是，

are you going to use that spark to ignite your own improvement

你要用那火花來點燃你的自我提升，

or to feed a fire of someone else's making?

還是要用來助長別人製造的火？

你是否會蓄意尋找那些「矮額時刻」，

And are you going to purposely look for those ick moments,

those opportunities where improvement can come after the cringe?

在尷尬之後便有可能 帶來提升的機會？

Are you going to make your internal motivation muscles stronger?

你是否要讓內部動機的 肌肉變得更強健？

Now one final word of warning.

最後給大家一句警語。

Changing direction isn't easy.

改變方向並不容易。

It takes deliberate practice.

需要刻意去練習。

Much like stepping into the TEDx lights for the first time,

就像第一次踏上 TEDx 的舞台，

trying something new is awkward as hell.

嘗試新事物真的是夭壽尷尬。

認可心態發出的聲響很大。

The approval mindset is blaring.

I hear it right now.

我現在就聽得到。

It's easy to peter out

當你的心態肌肉開始說 「這很難」時，就很容易漸漸放棄。

when your mindset muscles start saying "This is hard."

But if you want to play to win

但是，如果你想為了贏而努力，

and not just not to lose,

不只是為了不要輸，

you can start right now.

你現在就可以開始。

Find one goal you want to feel awkward for

找一個你願意為它感到尷尬的目標，

so that you can cross the chasm towards improvement.

讓你可以跨越鴻溝， 朝向自我提升邁進。

And practice embracing the awkward every day

每天練習擁抱尷尬，

so that you're as strong as you can be for the moments when it counts.

這麼一來，到了關鍵時刻， 你就會是在最堅強的狀態。

What you risk reveals what you value.

從你冒的風險能看出你重視什麼。

Not every twinge of cringe needs to be overcome.

你不用去克服每一絲尷尬感。

Just the one stopping you from getting to where you want to go.

只要克服阻擋你 邁向目標的那些就好。

It's up to you if you want to jump.

要不要跳取決於你。

And if you don't know where to start,

如果你不知道從何開始，

咱們邊喝果汁飲料邊談吧。

let's talk about it over a Capri Sun.

Can't promise I won't make it awkward,

我不能保證我不會讓狀況變尷尬， 但我能保證它真的夭壽好喝。

but I promise you they taste damn good.

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）