Networking Doesn’t Have to Feel Gross | Daniel Hallak | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

When I was in graduate school,

我在讀研究所時，

there was a student who I looked up to.

很敬佩一個學生。

His name was Peter.

他叫彼得。

Peter was the type of person you wanted to be like.

彼得就是你會想成為的那種人。

He was smart, articulate and winsome.

他很聰明、口才好，又很迷人。

One day I saw Peter in the library.

有一天，我在圖書館看到彼得。

It was his final quarter in our program and he was about to graduate.

這是他在我們這個學程的 最後一季，他快要畢業了。

"Peter, congratulations.

「彼得，恭喜。

You must be so excited."

你一定很期待吧。」

His response surprised me.

他的回應讓我很驚訝。

"I am, but I haven't built my network like I should have,

「是沒錯，但我還沒 建立我該建立的人脈，

so I don't have any jobs lined up yet."

所以還沒有任何工作在等著我。」

His answer terrified me.

他的回答讓我很害怕。

If someone as impressive as Peter didn't have a job lined up,

如果連彼得這麼不簡單的人， 都沒有工作在等著他，

then what was I to do?

那我該怎麼辦？

As the son of two immigrants,

我的父母都是移民，

education was the key to success.

教育是我成功與否的關鍵。

I could not afford to waste this opportunity.

這個機會是我浪費不起的。

I found myself feeling anxious and fearful.

我開始感到焦慮和恐懼。

I had to find a way to protect my career.

我得設法守護我的職涯。

The stakes were too high for me to finish school

對我而言，畢業後沒有工作 等著我的賭注實在太高。

without having a job lined up.

接著我想起了我聽過無數次的建言。

Then I remembered the advice I'd been given countless times.

Go network.

去拓展人脈，建立關係。

Build relationships.

After all, it's all about who you know,

畢竟，你的人脈 比你的知識來得重要。

not what you know.

They were right.

人們說的沒錯。

Education wasn't the highway of opportunity.

教育並不是通往機會的高速公路。

It was merely an on ramp.

它只是個匝道。

The highway of opportunity was social capital.

通往機會的高速公路是社會資本，

Your network,

你的人脈，

the people you know,

你認識的人，

and more importantly, the people who know you.

更重要的是認識你的人。

I was determined.

我下定決心。

I set off to build a network that would guarantee my success.

我開始建立能確保我成功的人脈。

I spent as much time as I could building relationships with people

我盡可能花時間

去和我畢業後有可能 僱用我的人建立關係，

who could hire me when I graduated.

The process worked.

過程是行得通。

But it didn't feel right.

但感覺不對。

I was having the right conversations,

我進行了對的談話，

I was meeting the right people.

我見到了對的人，

Internship and job opportunities began to open up,

實習和工作機會陸續出現，

but networking and building relationships

但拓展人脈和建立關係

began to feel gross.

開始讓我覺得反感。

I was approaching people as a transactional consumer,

我以交易型消費者的身分去接觸人，

not as a relational investor.

而非關係型投資者的身分。

My driving question was focused on what can I get from this person?

我的焦點都是在問： 我能從這個人身上得到什麼？

How can they help me?

他們對我有什麼助益？

I was asking the wrong questions.

我沒有問對問題。

Networking was a necessary evil.

我以為拓展人脈是種必要的惡。

It felt gross.

我覺得很反感。

Then one day, the tables were turned.

接著有一天，情況轉變了。

I saw a childhood acquaintance at a coffee shop.

我在咖啡廳碰到一位兒時的熟人。

We started a conversation.

我們開始談話。

He then spent the entire time trying to convince me

接著，整段時間，他都在試圖說服我

加入他參與的金字塔式行銷計畫。

to join the multi-level marketing scheme that he was a part of.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You see, the more people he signed up underneath him,

要知道，他招募的下線越多，

他會賺的錢就越多。

the more money he would make.

But that's not all.

但不只如此。

He'd help me build an empire as well.

他也會協助我建立帝國。

In fact, I could make so much money, I would never need to work again.

事實上，我可以賺到超多錢， 多到我永遠不必再工作。

I could give to my parents for all that they had given to me,

我可以回報我的父母， 感謝他們為我做的一切，

and all by simply helping people change their spending habits

我只需要去協助別人 改變他們花錢的習慣

and just begin to buy products from us,

開始向我們買產品即可，

products that they were already going to buy on their own anyways.

反正這些產品，他們 本來就會花錢去買。

It was at that moment that I began to realize,

在那一刻，我開始意識到，

if networking ever feels gross,

如果拓展人脈讓你很反感，

you're doing it wrong.

那就是你做錯了。

It turns out that social scientists had studied what I've experienced.

結果發現，社會科學家已經 研究過我經歷到的狀況。

In 2014, researchers from the University of Toronto,

多倫多大學、哈佛大學， 和東北大學的研究者在 2014 年

Harvard and Northeastern teamed up to investigate

組成團隊來探究

the impact of building social capital on people's sense of morality.

建立社會資本對人的 道德感有什麼影響。

What they discovered across their work was that when people built relationships

他們在研究中發現，當人 是為了自私的目的建立關係，

for selfish pursuits,

it left them feeling psychologically dirty

他們在心理上會感到不堪，

and even morally stained.

甚至覺得自己道德有瑕疵。

Decades of research confirms the common advice about networking.

數十年的研究證實了 關於拓展人脈的常見建議。

Building social capital leads to a host of positive outcomes: job performance,

建立社會資本會帶來 許多正面的結果：

工作表現、

salary levels, employability and so much more.

薪資水平、就業能力，

還有很多其他的。

If you want to build your career or your business,

如果你想建立自己的職涯或事業，

then networking is a good strategy.

拓展人脈是項好策略。

But here's the dilemma.

但有個兩難：

When people built relationships for selfish gain,

當人為了自私的利益 去建立人際關係，

it left them feeling dirty.

他們會感到不堪。

And when they felt dirty,

當他們感到污穢，

they were even less likely to engage with those people

他們就更不可能和那些人互動、

and to build those relationships.

去建立關係。

Even though that might be exactly what they needed

即使那可能正是他們 職涯成功所需要的。

for their success in their careers.

There's a reason that I felt gross

當我以交易型消費者的身分

when I was approaching people as a transactional consumer,

而非關係型投資者的身分去接觸人， 我會覺得反感是有原因的。

instead of as a relational investor.

How do you do relationships in a way

要如何建立人際關係

that you don't feel like you need to rinse off after every coffee meeting?

才不會讓你在每次咖啡聚會後 就會有想要洗刷什麼的感覺？

I began to ask a different question.

我開始問不同的問題。

Instead of "What can I get from this person?"

我不再問「我可以從 這個人身上得到什麼？」

I began to ask, "What can I give to this person?"

我開始問「我可以給這個人什麼？」

Everything changed.

一切都改變了。

我發現了一些慷慨的關係型投資者， 他們給了我不同的示範，

I discovered generous relational investors

who introduced me to a different paradigm,

a new way of doing relationships.

一種建立優質關係的新方式。

Jeff, a business leader in Seattle, was one of them.

其中一位是傑夫， 他是西雅圖的企業主，

If you ever sit with him for coffee,

如果你坐下來跟他喝咖啡， 你馬上就會知道，

you quickly realize his goal is to understand how he can serve you,

他的目標是要了解 他能如何為你服務，

not how you can serve him.

而不是你能如何為他服務。

This new mindset moved me from being a greedy,

這種新的心態讓我從 貪心的交易型消費者轉變成

transactional consumer

to being a generous relational investor.

慷慨的關係型投資者。

Relational investors leave people better than they found them.

關係型投資者會讓人變得 比他們初見面時更好。

The goal isn’t giving to gain

目標並不是為了取得而付出，

or even about paying it forward

或甚至回饋他人，

so that positive things circle back around for you one day.

以期望正面的事物 有一天能輪轉回到你身上。

Relational investors give out of the overflow of who they are

關係型投資者會從他們自身的豐盈 和先前受贈的資源中付出。

and what they've already been given.

They bring generosity beyond reciprocity.

他們的慷慨不只是為了互惠。

They ask a different question.

他們問的是不同的問題。

Instead of "What can I get from this person?"

不是「我能從這個人身上得到什麼？」

They ask, "What can I give to this person?"

而是「我可以給這個人什麼？」

It represents a mindset shift from fixating on pathology

這代表一種心態轉變，

從專注於問題轉換到著重於潛力。

to focusing on potential.

The human default is pathology.

人類原本就是問題導向，

Pathology is all about the barriers, the obstacles, the brokenness,

重點放在障礙、困難、 破碎，出問題的部分。

the things that are going wrong.

My PhD is in industrial and organizational psychology.

我的博士學位是工業與組織心理學。

For decades,

數十年來，

psychology and many other human-centered disciplines

心理學和許多其他以人為中心的學科

have focused on pathology.

都把焦點放在問題意識上。

What's broken?

什麼地方壞了？我們如何修復它？

How do we fix it?

Over the last 30 years,

不過，在過去三十年中， 出現了一場反問題意識的變革，

there's been a revolution that's pushed against pathology, though,

and begun to look for potential.

開始尋找潛力。

What's working?

什麼行得通？什麼進行很順利？

What's going well?

How do we make things even better?

我們如何讓事情變得更好？

It's a shift from scarcity to abundance.

這是從稀缺轉為豐饒的轉變。

And it starts with the assumption that there is possibility,

它的啟始假設是有可能性存在，

and there is potential to be realized.

且有潛力可以實現這個可能性。

兩者都很重要。

Both are important.

We have to pay attention to barriers and limitations,

我們是得要留意障礙和限制，

but we also need to recognize possibility and potential.

但我們也得認可可能性和潛力。

But our baseline

但我們的底限

is self-preservation.

是自我保護。

Protect my career.

保護我的職涯。

Position myself for success.

為我的成功做好定位。

When I became free from the fear of finding a job,

當我不再對找工作感到恐懼時，

I was able to move from protecting my pathology

我便能從守護我的障礙、問題轉向

to looking for potential.

尋找潛力。

As the old saying goes,

有句老諺語：

it's even better to give than it is to receive.

施比受更有福。

And you don't have to be wealthy to be a relational investor.

並不是要有財富 才能成為關係型投資者。

I was a poor student.

我之前是個窮學生。

I discovered that generous relational investors give their time,

我發現慷慨的關係型投資者 付出的是他們的時間、

their treasure and their talent.

他們的珍寶，和他們的才華。

Generosity looks different in different seasons of life.

在人生的不同時期， 慷慨有不同的樣貌。

It could be as simple as the gift of your undivided attention.

慷慨可以很簡單， 比如全神灌注傾聽對方。

The next time you're meeting with somebody.

你下次和某人見面時，可以試試。

Or maybe it's a heartfelt thank-you note,

或者是一張窩心的感謝紙條，

letting someone know you've appreciated how they have invested in you.

讓對方知道你很感激 他們對你所做的投資。

Perhaps it's a timely introduction.

也許是適時的引介。

You've built a relationship with somebody

你已經與某人建立了關係，

and you know somebody else who would be mutually beneficial for them to meet.

而你又認識另一個人， 你知道他們若能相見必能互惠，

於是你幫這兩個人搭上線。

So you make that connection.

Generosity could even look like helping a coworker who's behind on a deadline.

慷慨甚至可能是協助 快要趕不上截止日期的同事。

Taking a little extra time to help them get caught up.

花些額外的時間幫助他們趕上進度。

It could even be as simple as the offer to review someone's resume for them.

甚至可能是像主動提出可以 幫某人看看履歷那麼簡單的事。

The possibilities for generosity are only limited by your imagination.

慷慨的可能性無限， 你想像得到的都是。

Because people aren't a process.

因為人不是過程。

People are the purpose.

人是目的。

And business is all about people.

事業的核心就是人。

It's not about extracting value or leveraging relationships.

重點不是榨取價值或利用關係。

It’s about building meaningful, generous and mutually beneficial relationships,

重點是要建立有意義、 慷慨，且互惠的關係，

looking for ways to serve other people,

想辦法服務他人，

even if they are the ones who are helping you.

即使其實是對方在幫助你。

You might not get anything back right away,

你可能無法立即得到任何回報， 甚至可能完全不會得到回報。

or even at all.

But there's still value in the relationship

但這種關係仍然是有價值的，

because every person has inherent dignity, value and worth,

因為每個人都具有與生俱來的 尊嚴、價值，和意義，

regardless of the outcome.

無論結果如何。

Years after my conversation with Peter in the library,

我在圖書館與彼得談話的數年後，

I found myself working in a university helping lead a graduate business program.

我在一所大學工作，協助帶領 研究所的一個商業學程。

I was meeting with a prospective student to learn about his goals.

我與一位來申請的學生 會面，以了解他的目標。

He was a great candidate

他是個很棒的候選人，我真的 很希望他來讀我們的學程。

and I really wanted him in our program.

But over the course of the conversation,

但在談話的過程中，

I began to realize what he was looking for

我開始意識到他想要的東西

wasn't quite what I had to offer.

和我能提供的東西不盡相同。

Reluctantly, I pointed him in a different direction.

我很不情願地指引了他另一個方向。

A year later, I had another similar conversation

一年後，我又進行了類似的談話，

with a young woman who was also exploring our program.

對象是名年輕女子， 她也在探索我們的學程。

She was incredible.

她真的很棒。

Her goals aligned with our training and she became one of our best students.

她的目標與我們的培訓一致， 她成了我們最好的學生之一。

But it wasn't until after she started

但，直到她開始修讀學程，

when I discovered she had found out about our program

我才得知她從哪裡 聽說我們學程的資訊：

from the young man I'd met over a year before.

我一年多前面談過的那位年輕人。

He had told her if she met with me,

他告訴她，如果她面談遇到的是我，

I'd put her interests first.

我會把她的利益放在首位。

And that if she wasn't the right fit,

如果她和學程沒有吻合，

I'd point her in the right direction.

我會指引她正確的方向。

Focusing on the interests of other people

把焦點放在他人的利益上，

can absolutely pay off for the long term.

長期絕對會有所回報。

But that's not the point.

但那不是重點。

There is nothing more rewarding than giving to other people.

沒有什麼比幫助他人更讓人滿足了。

My parents, they impressed the value of education on me,

我的父母讓我深刻體會 教育的重要性，

but they also demonstrated the value of generosity.

但他們也示範了慷慨的價值。

They have been avid suburban gardeners

四十多年來，他們一直 都是酷愛園藝的郊區農夫。

for over 40 years.

They started composting in Seattle before composting was the thing to do.

早在堆肥還沒成為潮流之前， 他們就在西雅圖開始堆肥了。

Every year I have watched them till the ground, fertilize,

每年，我都看著他們翻土、施肥、

prepare and plant seeds, water them

準備種子和播種、給種子澆水，

and care for their garden with great intent.

並用心照顧他們的園子。

They do such an excellent job

他們做得相當出色， 因此每年都收穫大量的農產品，

that every year, they harvest so much produce,

there's absolutely no way they can possibly consume it all themselves.

這些農產品他們絕對 無法自己全部吃完。

They have so much that it will go to spoil.

他們的收成多到會腐壞，

會浪費掉。

It will go to waste.

So what do they do?

所以他們怎麼辦？

他們沒有讓收成腐壞，

Instead of letting it go to spoil,

they spoil their friends.

而是去寵壞他們的朋友。

They take all the excess.

他們把所有多餘的收成 放到袋子和籃子裡，

They put it in bags and baskets,

and they generously share it with all of their friends and neighbors.

接著慷慨地與每一位 朋友和鄰居分享。

Most years,

有很多年，他們甚至 會把多出的種子拿去

they even take their extra seeds

to help friends start their own gardens for the following year.

協助他們的朋友在次年 開始在自己的園子裡種植。

Looking back, I realize, my parents didn't garden just for themselves.

後來回頭看，我了解到我父母 並不是為了自己而種植那些東西。

Don't get me wrong,

別誤會我，他們確實很喜歡 新鮮的水果和農產品，

they enjoyed the fresh fruit and produce,

but they had equal, if not greater, joy in giving to the people around them.

但送給身邊的人讓他們 得到同等、甚至更大的樂趣。

The relationships in their lives represented a place for giving,

他們生活中的人際關係 代表的是施予的空間，

not a vehicle for getting.

而不是索取的工具。

They showed me that you can get more than you give

他們讓我看到， 當你付出的比得到的更多，

by giving more than you get.

你反而會得到比你付出的更多。

Our networks, our relationships

我們的人脈，我們的人際關係

are also like a garden.

就如同一個園子。

If we tend them well, they will grow and they will produce fruit.

如果我們好好照顧這些關係， 它們會成長並產出果實。

So much, in fact,

事實上，產量會多到我們自己 絕對不可能用得完。

there's absolutely no way we can possibly consume it all ourselves.

Instead of letting relationships go to waste,

與其讓人際關係浪費掉，

we can invest in them,

不如投資它們、

give to them, serve them, connect them with each other.

施予它們、服務它們、 幫它們彼此牽線。

When we give social capital,

當我們施予社會資本時，

we don't lose it.

我們不會失去它。

It doesn't decrease.

它不會減少，它會增加。

It increases.

Who knows,

誰知道呢，

we might even help someone start their own garden.

我們甚至有可能協助某人 開始經營自己的園子。

Becoming a generous relational investor, it's a lifestyle.

成為慷慨的關係型投資者 是一種生活方式。

It's a different paradigm of relationships.

它是一種不同的人際關係範式。

So what's your relational posture?

所以，你的關係姿態是什麼？

Are you a greedy, transactional consumer

你是個貪心的交易型消費者，

or a generous relational investor?

還是慷慨的關係型投資者？

Are you protecting your pathology

你是在守護自己的問題或障礙，

or pushing for potential?

還是在追求潛力？

It's never too late to begin to ask a different question

沒有所謂的太遲，隨時 都可以開始，問不同的問題，

and to start to look for what can I give,

開始尋找我能給予什麼，

not what can I get?

而非我能得到什麼。

(Applause)

（掌聲）