Why Social Health Is Key to Happiness and Longevity | Kasley Killiam | TED

9,289 views ・ 2025-03-14

TED


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So a couple of years ago,
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a woman I know who I'll call Maya,
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went through a lot of big changes in a short amount of time.
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She got married.
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She and her husband moved for his job to a new city
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where she didn’t know anyone.
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She started a new role working from home,
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all while managing her dad's new diagnosis of dementia.
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And to manage the stress of all this change,
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Maya doubled down on her physical and mental health.
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She exercised almost every day,
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she ate healthy foods,
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she went to therapy once a week.
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And these actions really helped.
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Her body got stronger.
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Her mind got more resilient, but only up to a point.
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She was still struggling,
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often losing sleep in the middle of the night,
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feeling unfocused, unmotivated during the day.
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Maya was doing everything that doctors typically tell us to do
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to be physically and mentally healthy,
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and yet something was missing.
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What if I told you that what was missing for Maya
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is also missing for billions of people around the world,
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and that it might be missing for you?
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What if I told you that not having it undermines our other efforts
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to be healthy and can even shorten your lifespan?
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I’ve been studying this for over a decade,
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and I've discovered that the traditional way we think
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about health is incomplete.
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By thinking of our health as primarily physical and mental,
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we overlook what I believe is the greatest challenge
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and the greatest opportunity of our time.
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Social health.
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While physical health is about our bodies
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and mental health is about our minds,
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social health is about our relationships.
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And if you haven't heard this term before,
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that's because it hasn't yet made its way into mainstream vocabulary,
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yet it is equally important.
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Maya didn't yet have a sense of community in her new home.
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She wasn't seeing her family,
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or her friends or her coworkers in person anymore,
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and she often went weeks only spending quality time with her husband.
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Her story shows us that we can't be fully healthy,
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we can’t thrive, if we take care of our bodies and our minds,
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but not our relationships.
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Similar to Maya,
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hundreds of millions of people around the world go weeks at a time
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without talking to a single friend or family member.
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Globally, one in four people feel lonely.
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And 20 percent of adults worldwide don't feel like they have anyone
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they can reach out to for support.
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Think about that.
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One in five people you encounter may feel like they have no one.
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This is more than heartbreaking.
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It's also a public health crisis.
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Disconnection triggers stress in the body.
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It weakens people's immune systems.
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It puts them at a risk, greater risk, of stroke, heart disease, diabetes,
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dementia, depression and early death.
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Social health is essential for longevity.
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So you might be wondering,
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what does it look like to be socially healthy?
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What does that even mean?
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Well it’s about developing close relationships
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with your family, your friends, your partner, yourself.
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It's about having regular interaction with your coworkers, your neighbors.
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It's about feeling like you belong to a community.
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Being socially healthy is about having the right quantity
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and quality of connection for you.
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And Maya's story is one example
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of how social health challenges come up.
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In my work, I hear many others.
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Stories like Jay,
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a freshman in college
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who’s eager to get involved in campus
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yet is having a hard time fitting in with people in his dorm
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and often feels homesick.
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Or Serena and Ali, a couple juggling the chaos of young kids
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with demanding jobs,
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they rarely have time to see friends
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or spend time one-on-one.
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Or Henry, recently retired,
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who cherishes time with his spouse
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and yet feels untethered without his team anymore
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and wishes he could see his kids and grandkids more often.
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These stories show that social health is relevant to each of us
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at every life stage.
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So if you're not sure where to start,
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try the 5-3-1 guideline from my book.
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It goes like this.
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Aim to interact with five different people each week,
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to strengthen at least three close relationships overall,
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and to spend one hour a day connecting.
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Let's dig into these.
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So first, interact with five different people each week.
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Just like eating a variety of vegetables
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and other food groups is more nutritious,
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research has shown that interacting with a variety of people
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is more rewarding.
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So your five could include close loved ones, casual acquaintances,
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even complete strangers.
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In fact, in one study that I love,
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people who just smiled, made eye contact
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and chit-chatted with a barista,
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felt happier and a greater sense of belonging
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than people who just rushed to get their coffee and go.
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Next, strengthen at least three close relationships.
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OK, we've all heard of a to-do list,
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but I would like to invite you to write a to-love list.
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Who matters most to you?
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Who can you be yourself with?
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Make sure that you invest
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in the names of at least three of the people that you write down.
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By scheduling regular time together,
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by showing a genuine interest in their lives,
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and also by opening up
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about the experiences that you're going through.
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And I'm often asked, does it have to be in person?
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Does texting count?
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Studies have shown that face-to-face is ideal,
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so do that whenever possible.
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But there are absolutely still benefits to staying connected virtually.
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And last, spend one hour a day on meaningful connection.
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OK, if you're an introvert, right now you're probably thinking
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one hour sounds like a lot.
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I get it.
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It might be surprising, but I'm actually also an introvert.
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However, keep in mind that just like getting eight hours of sleep at night,
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the exact amount that's right for you personally
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might be higher or lower.
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But if you are thinking that one hour a day sounds like way too much
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because you're just way too busy,
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I challenge you.
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Adults in the US spend an average of 4.5 hours
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each day on their smartphones.
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So instead of scrolling on social media,
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text a friend.
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Instead of reading news headlines, write a thank-you card.
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Instead of listening to a podcast, call a family member.
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Maya put this into practice
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by scheduling recurring hangouts with a new local friend that she made,
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by attending community events
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and dropping cards off in her neighbors mailboxes,
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by planning trips to see family
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and inviting friends in other cities to come visit.
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And bolstering her social health
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made more of a difference
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than focusing solely on her physical and mental health ever could.
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And I know this because Maya
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is actually me.
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I am so passionate about sharing tools to be socially healthy
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because honestly, I need them too.
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And the 5-3-1 guideline is one way that we can be proactive
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and intentional about our relationships.
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And that is really the point.
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Be proactive and intentional about your social health.
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So zooming out beyond the steps that you and I take individually,
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together, we need to shape a society that thrives through social health.
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Over the next decade,
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I envision educators championing social health in schools.
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And just like kids build their physical muscles in gym class,
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they'll exercise their social muscles in connection class.
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Over the next decade,
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I see our cities and neighborhoods
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being designed with social health in mind,
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where vibrant gathering places foster unity
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and community builders are empowered to bring them to life.
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Over the next decade,
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I believe that social health
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will become as ingrained in our collective consciousness
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as mental health is today.
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Because not that long ago,
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mental health was a taboo topic shrouded in stigma.
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And now public figures talk openly about it,
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there's an entire industry to support it,
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and more and more people think of going to therapy
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like going to the gym.
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In this future, loneliness will subside,
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just like smoking subsided when we recognized
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and treated it as a public health issue.
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In this future,
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I hope that social health will become so deeply woven
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into the fabric of our culture
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that no one needs the 5-3-1 guideline anymore.
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So to get there,
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make relationships your priority not only for you,
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but also for the people you love.
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Because the beauty of nurturing your own social health
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is that it naturally enriches the social health
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of everyone you connect with.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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