What You're Saying Wrong in Conversations and How to FIX IT!

Today we were talking about 12 ways that you might be ruining your

Conversations and how to fix them. So no one's going to tell you. Hey, you're really killing the

Conversation. Could you stop doing what you're doing? I mean it's very unlikely, so I want to share some

Crowd-sourced ideas. I asked a bunch of my friends for all of the ways. They could think of how people

ruin everyday conversations in English

So whether you are a native English speaker or learning English, this is going to help you to have more

Positive conversations and I think establish better connections with people better

Relationships and that's what it's all about. I would love for you to tell me in the comments as you're watching this

Which of these points do you think is the worst for me the worst are number five?

Number seven and her 12 and I'll tell you why just keep watching

Also if you can add any

Conversation killers any ways that you think that people often just ruin conversations?

Please share them in the comments. And if it is your first time here, well, then welcome to go natural English

I'm Gabby Wallace an American English teacher and I love

Helping you have better English conversations to connect with people and express yourself fluently number one

Thinking about what you are going to say next as opposed to being a good active listener

You might get stuck in this trap where you really want to sound good you want to say something interesting?

but if you're thinking while the other person is talking you're not actually hearing them and

Everyone really wants to be heard. We want to know the other person is

interested in what we're saying and so if you are not an active listener if you're constantly

Thinking about what you are going to say when it's your turn to talk

Other person is going to feel that so I made a whole

Video about how to be a great active listener and I'll share that at the end of this video

But just know that it's better to be a good listener. You're gonna have better conversations

Then if you're always thinking about what you are going to say

number two

Pretending you understand what the other person said when you don't I know it happens to me too where you're in a conversation

And you think maybe you understood what they said. So you're like, uh-huh. Uh-huh

You just nod your head and agree, but then you're like wait

what did they say and it is is a really fast way to kill the conversation because if you're not sure what they said then

It's almost impossible to make a good follow up question or to share your opinion about what they said

So it's totally normal to not catch

100% of the conversation if you don't just ask you just say hey

What did you say or where did you mean by number? Three small talk all

The time so small talk is great. It's a great way to start a conversation

but after a few minutes most people want to go to a deeper level of conversation to get to know you better or

They would like to move on to talk to someone else

So a small talk would just be surface level maybe talking about things that are not so revolutionary

or insightful or thoughtful or personal talking about the weather talking about some

sports events that just happen

I mean, these are great topics for small talk again

But it's great to have some questions in your toolbox in your minds to go deeper

So there are some great questions that you can use in a lot of different situations. So, what are you working on?

What are you excited about?

and so I love these questions because they allow the other person to really

Just share what they would like to and I have a lot more

Questions to help you get into deep conversation inside my audio ebook the English fluency formula

So these are just some examples that I've included inside the e-book as well number four when you just can't respond fast

Enough, even if you have something in your head to say you want to share your opinion you want to share some experience

But you just can't seem to formulate the right phrase or think of the right vocabulary word in the moment

It's so frustrating. I know I've been there and this is especially hard if you're speaking a second language

so my friends Tommy who is an English speaker learning Spanish said

I just always respond with CC because I can't think of how to make a full sentence yet

And so let me share with you

If you are speaking a second language that you don't feel very fluent in yet

Use fillers like well or um use them sparingly

But they can help you to buy time

Another phrase you could use is let me think or how do you say or?

Yes, I have something to say about that

And while you're using these fillers or these phrases that help you buy time you can think about what you really want to say

number five a

One-sided conversation. Don't just talk about yourself. It's great to share. It's great to you know be able to

Share your life and about yourself

but if you notice the other person has stopped responding or stopped showing their interest and their eyes are getting

Glazed over and they're falling asleep. It might be time to ask them a question about

Themselves. So keep some questions in your mental toolbox that you can ask anybody. You know, like I

mentioned what are you excited about or even a simple question that people always ask what do you do or

How about you so whatever you shared you can ask the other person. How about you so if you find yourself

answering other people's questions

But not asking questions about themselves. You might be a one-sided

conversationalist so think of some questions

Even if they're simple ones that you can use to bounce conversation back to the other person number 6 huge

leaps

changing the topic in a completely illogical manner this kind of feels like you're just stealing the energy of the

Conversation to redirect it to talk about something that you want to talk about

But it feels like maybe you weren't interested in what the other person was saying

Sometimes you have to change the topic, but it's better. It's more natural. It's more

flowing if you can gently guide the

conversation from topic to topic maybe asking a follow-up question related to the topic that you are talking about or

introducing a new topic by sharing something

related to the first topic or asking a question to introduce a new topic or

Sharing something that you experienced or you thought to introduce a new topic

You can also use transition words

or if you really want to change the topic to something completely different consider using a phrase like I know this is

Totally unrelated but or okay, this is random

But I have to say or I have to ask

Ok, these phrases can make a big difference and making the other person feel more comfortable because you're guiding the conversation

To a logical place and it doesn't feel like a shock

It's like if you're talking about basketball and then you start talking about your favorite food

It's like there's no relation and it just kills the conversation number seven. One of my big ones is complaining

So if you have something to say that you're not happy about that's fine

But make sure it's not all the time that you're not

talking in a negative way or

Complaining or putting things down people down ideas down all the time

if everything that comes out of your mouth is like a reason why

People should not do something or a reason against something or talking

badly or poorly

about someone really check yourself here because other people don't

Enjoy that kind of feeling that comes from complaining and talking in a night

Fashion instead of complaining all the time

Try finding something positive that you could share with someone and it leaves people with a more positive energy

When they talk to you and therefore, they'll want to talk to you more if you are contributing

positive ideas

compliments they will enjoy talking with you more doesn't mean that you always have to be positive or that you can't express a

Dislike or a negative opinion just keep things in balance and sometimes it's better to not say anything bad

Than to continue to complain number 8 is kind of related to complaining and being negative is being

critical about other people's ideas

So if someone shares their idea with you

Maybe they have an idea for a new app or a new business or something that they're gonna try a new hobby

Instead of immediately telling them why it won't work or why it's a bad idea, or maybe hey somebody else already thought of that

They're already doing it. Just try asking a question

Just try being more curious and asking them about their idea because they obviously want to talk about it

They're obviously excited about it if they're sharing it with you

so give them that opportunity to share with you and ask them a few questions to express their idea more fully and then

Only if and when they actually ask for your opinion or if you say hey

Do you mind if I share my experience or my ideas then you might share maybe some words of caution with them

number nine

Joking all the time. So jokes are fun. I love comedy

But if you can't have a serious conversation, or if you can't answer a serious question

If you're just always joking

It can be really annoying know when joking is appropriate and when it's not you also just don't want to be joking all

The time like if someone just wants some information or your true opinion

They don't want to guess all the time if you're joking or not. This happens a lot with sarcasm, too

don't overuse star kasim as a way to be funny or

Like a fun person sarcasm can be fun sometimes but if you overuse it

then it just kills the conversation numbers and

one-upping instead of being happy for someone when they share their achievements or something that they're proud of you feel the need to

Share something that you've done that's even better even more impressive

bigger and better and this is just not a very positive feeling for the other person, you know, they're trying to

Really feel good about what they have accomplished and you should allow them to do that, you know congratulate them. Ask them questions

about their achievements

actually the person who helps others to celebrate themselves, I think is the bigger better more positive and

more fun person to talk to

So even if you've accomplished a lot and you'd love to share that just allow other people to have the spotlight

sometimes and you know, you can always share your

accomplishments later when the conversation has shifted

there number eleven

oversharing do not share about your

medical issues right away do not share about

mental health issues right away

If you have just met the person of course

You can talk about these things and you should talk about these things with a doctor a therapist your family your close friends

But if you're at let's say a professional networking event

Nobody wants to hear about how what you ate for lunch is giving you stomach issues

so do not share your bodily issues with someone that you've just met it's a turn-off it kills the

conversation people don't want to talk about things that are unpleasant like that and they will

Just move on. They won't want to keep talking with you. Try talking about it in a more general non

Descriptive way if you're not feeling well after lunch just say I'm not feeling well after lunch

Nobody needs the details

If you are telling your teacher that you are sick and can't make it to class

Don't email her an email about what happened in the bathroom. This has happened to me guys. It's not necessary

We don't need to know

instead you can

Keep it general and nondescript or change the topic, you know

Ask someone a question about themselves not about their bodily functions or mental illness

but just shift the conversation to something more pleasant and socially acceptable and number 12 one of my

Favorite ways to ruin a conversation is talking about religion or politics. This is like a two-for-one

I remember I really wanted to have a self-care day a relaxing day

So I went to a spa and I was getting a facial I had

A mask on and the woman was like working on my skin and then she started asking me what do you think about?

Politics in the u.s. You know, do you?

support the president and I was just so sad that she brought up politics when you know

I was trying to relax and I felt like it wasn't a really

Enjoyable experience anymore because I didn't want to talk about politics

I just really didn't if you're in this kind of situation where you don't want to talk about religion or politics

There are several really?

Amazing phrases that you can use to politely get yourself out of that

topic or out of that conversation whether you want to change the topic and continue talking to that person or

Whether you want to politely end the conversation and move on to talk to somebody else so I'm gonna share

10 top phrases that you can use to politely

Change the topic or end a conversation in next Wednesday's videos

So make sure that you subscribe here to go natural English

So you don't miss that video next week on Wednesday 10 a.m

Eastern Standard Time now just going back to number 1 about active listening

You need to watch this video right over

Here next that will teach you all the phrases you need to know to show your interest to be engaged in a conversation

Even without speaking a single word. Thanks again laughs bye for now