Why happy couples cheat | Esther Perel

adultery has existed since marriage was invented  and so too the taboo against it in fact infidelity  

has a tenacity that marriage can only envy  so much so that this is the only commandment  

that is repeated twice in the bible once for  doing it and once just for thinking about it  

so how do we reconcile what is universally  forbidden yet universally practiced  

how do we heal from an affair

desire runs deep betrayal runs deep but it can  be healed and some affairs are death knells for  

relationships that were already dying on the vine  but others will jolt us into new possibilities  

the fact is the majority of couples who have  experienced the fair stay together but some of  

them will merely survive and others will actually  be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity  

they'll be able to turn this into a generative  experience and i'm actually thinking even more  

so for the deceived partner who will often say  you think i didn't want more but i'm not the one  

who did it but now that the affair is exposed they  too get to claim more and they no longer have to  

uphold the status quo that may not have  been working for them that well either  

i've noticed that a lot of couples in the  immediate aftermath of an affair because of this  

new disorder that may actually lead to a new order  will have depths of conversations with honesty  

and openness that they haven't had in decades  and partners who are sexually indifferent find  

themselves suddenly so lustfully variations they  don't know where it's coming from something about  

the fear of loss will rekindle desire and make  way for an entirely new kind of truth now you've  

listened to me and i know what you're thinking  she has a french accent she must be pro-affair

so you're wrong i am not french

and i'm not pro-affair i look at affairs from a  dual perspective hurt and betrayal on one side  

growth and self-discovery on the other  what it did to you and what it meant for me  

and so when a couple comes to me in the  aftermath of an affair that has been revealed  

i will often tell them this today in  the west most of us are gonna have  

two or three relationships or marriages and  some of us are gonna do it with the same person  

your first marriage is over would  you like to create a second one

together