We need to talk about shame | Brené Brown

Shame is the gremlin who says: [...] "never  good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of  

that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing  to understand about shame is it's not guilt.  

Shame is a focus on self. Guilt  is a focus on behavior. Shame is,  

"I am bad." Guilt is, "I did something bad."  

Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction,  depression, violence, aggression, bullying,  

suicide, eating disorders. And here's  what you even need to know more. Guilt,  

inversely correlated with those things. Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable,  

conflicting, competing expectations about who  we're supposed to be. [...] For men, shame is not  

a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.  Shame is one: do not be perceived as what?  

Weak. But the truth is [...] vulnerability is  

not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional  risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily  

lives. And I've come to the belief—this is my  12th year doing this research—that vulnerability  

is our most accurate measurement of courage. If we're going to find our way back to each other,  

we have to understand and know empathy,  because empathy's the antidote to shame.  

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three  things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and  

judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri  dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.  

The two most powerful words when  we're in struggle: me too.  

If we're going to find our way back to each  other, vulnerability is going to be that path.